I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I’m following a guidebook on divorce.

My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn’t love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she’s still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It’s not even as-if there’s a void, it’s a gaping hole through to the other side.

I don’t know if she’s dead. I don’t know if she’s ok. I don’t know anything, and I’m afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I’d never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It’s a divorce. It’s what you do, isn’t it?

I just want her to know it wasn’t so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but… why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?

It’s just a waste of time, isn’t it? We should just move on, but… can I? 15 years. I’m 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I’m stuck on her being ok. I don’t even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she’s ok.

She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I’d know how she is, I guess, but she’d have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.

Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. “Just don’t think about it!” Easy talk…

  • rufusEnglish
    3·
    1 year ago

    Maybe the advice from the book isn’t right for you. At least it sounds like it.

    Since the suggestions don’t help: Find your own way to deal with things. Maybe resume contact, i’m not sure. You can always apologize and say you thought you had to do it this way but you were wrong.

    Once in a while do some introspection and reflect on your situation. Is the contact (or lack thereof) making it better or worse? Is it keeping you from moving on with your life? Or is it the thing that makes you an empathic being?

    You’re also always allowed to make mistakes and reconsider things. Only thing is you shouldn’t make the same mistake -lets say- more than 3 times.

    At some point, get help if it’s not getting better at all. Talking to anyone could be a good start.

    And don’t drag her into this. Make sure both parties know the expectations. And she might be entitled to an opinion herself. Also for her, things are easy or difficult if you resume contact (or don’t). Your text sounds like you’re mostly concerned with your own feelings.