And how meaningful is the difference? I have told my best friend a couple of times that I love her , and she thinks it’s infatuation and that it will come to pass. In our two years knowing each other, we have been through and done so much together.
she has her reasons to say and think this way, her life is incredibly complex. She says she really does believe it and she says she has a better perspective since the feeling is familiar to her since she’s a girl. I obviously think differently but I have to defer to her at the moment.
Love is the drive for community, to grow with another person or people in order to build something greater than yourselves. Infatuation and Passion can be expressions of love, but they are not love in-itself.
Infatuation in the absence of love is simply a desire for possession, a drive to make a person yours as though they’re a resource to be harvested. Infatuated love can fade to pure possessiveness or boomer-esque disdain when the situation develops in a way that wasn’t expected. To really love someone, you have to be prepared for them to change.
An easy example of this is when the love a parent has for their child fades when that child wishes to transition. True love would work through the change in order to value the person over their static “role” in the family structure.
In romantic love this can come in the form of pregnancy, increased dependence, increased independence, failing to contribute to the family economy, and a myriad of other reasons, some as simple as boredom when the New Relationship Energy fades off.
New Relationship Energy fueled by infatuation can mask a lot of incompatibilities, and when things fade you might find genuine feelings were for a person who only exists in your head. I believe this is what your friend is worried about.
I was actually in a similar situation as a teenager from which I moved on. If she’s a lot more experienced than you she might be clocking incompatibilities that are inconsequential with you two being “just” friends, but could create drama when the NRE wears off.
This is an illuminating comment, great post
If anything, this makes me feel as if I am not, in fact, infatuated. And there’s been many, significant changes that have happened in her life. And nothing seems to have faded.
Regardless, I would respect her wishes as an individual and continue to love her as a friend. She’s requesting that space and her autonomy should be respected even if things seem perfect otherwise. Maybe she’ll change her mind, but I would not operate on that assumption or it will create unhealthy behaviors and poison the well.
I would take what you’ve learned from her about friendship and community and apply it elsewhere. Whether it’s a polyamorous or monogamous or a series of flings or platonic friendgroups, whatever you need to move yourself in a forward direction. She can support you as your friend as you grow your community and/or romantic life and you can support her as her friend and not her prospective lover. She would probably appreciate you working to better yourself.
Of course. I really don’t have a choice in the matter but to maintain my beautiful friendship and not fuck it up by getting my feelings in the way.
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