Men,

We have all been conditioned by the patriarchy to be disconnected, angry, inclined toward violence, and display many other toxic and often counter-revolutionary behaviors.

How do you fight that? How have you been working to undo years of conditioning which tries to exert its force on use every second of every day, internally and externally?

I’ll start by sharing some of the things I have been doing and what it does for me. I’ll be posting in no particular order, just as things come to me. I’m not prioritizing one method over another. Also, a lot of this will look like solutions for mental health management, and that is because it mostly is. What is patriarchy other than the systemic manifestation of anger and violence? Anger is a secondary emotion which usually responds to some other primal emotion, such as fear. Patriarchy, in other words, is a disease of the mind made manifest as a self perpetuating system of inherited and passed along trauma and their associated responses.

Meditation. I’ve been getting back into meditation as I recall it helping me through a particularly depressive period previously. I personally find that grounding myself and allowing my compassion to expand gradually throughout the session helps me counter detachment and permits me to feel love to others.

I start by of course grounding myself in the now, simply feeling air, breathing, the weight of my body in my ‘seat’ (I sit on a meditation pillow which sits on a thin mat on the ground, cross legged). During this time I’ll do a body scan to relax tense areas and become aware of my current mindset in order to acknowledge it. During this body scan, I allow myself to feel compassion and toward whatever part of myself I’ve directed my attention to. This allows me to accept my body as it is, giving thanks to it for working hard to keep me alive the best way it can.

I then start to move my attention and love outward, gradually expanding my sphere of self to include family and close friends: people I am intimate with and close to. Then further outward to include more distant friends, associates, etc., and afterward even further to strangers I’ve seen, strangers I’ve never met, then finally all of the Earth, all her life and the rocks and trees and streams and everything.

This practice has allowed me a better sense of love toward others and the self, permitting me to do so inside. It calms the mind and trains me to slow down, often giving me better control of myself when things get tense or I am triggered by something.

Journaling. This one is simple but effective. I usually write about things that bother me, and usually as I do so I can look at things from a top down view, almost as if it is happening to someone else. It allows me to recognize that something is indeed bothering me while giving me a moment to think about it and what I can do about it rationally. I can get in touch with my emotions outside of the cause/reaction cycles. Later, when I encounter the problem or its offspring again, I can often better respond, having prepared and considered rational solutions, even if that solution is: “Welp, nothing I can do about it now so I need to let it go. I’ll survive and keep going so no reason to be angry or upset.”

Reading about feminism/patriarchy, and mental health: Being aware of the issues caused by the patriarchy is crucial for me, especially books about things I can do personally (Bell Hooks has a few books about this). I’m not referring to the wage gap or things I have almost no individual control over, but rather things I can do in my daily life. This means things like allowing myself to be soft and gushy with my spouse and pets (I don’t have children, but they’d be included if I did), shake off feelings of shame when I cry or not hold back (nature documentaries almost always do that for me), and even just realize where some of the roots of my feelings might exist. Reading these books is kind of like the intellectual half of trauma informed therapy for me. I would include that as well in my list of things I do… if I still could do that (trauma informed therapy I mean). I encourage trauma informed therapy if that is an option for you though. I’ve done a few sessions back when I had insurance and it did help.

Remember, my list is things I personally do, so it is just a few things and definitely not exhaustive.

What do you do men comrades? How do you beat the inner patriarch?

And for non-men comrades, I don’t want to exclude you! Do you know of things which you’ve seen help the men in your life overcome their inner patriarch? What do you do to help men in your lives overcome their inner patriarch? When they choose love over patriarchy, how has this made things better for you personally? And for your community? What do you want to see in men when they choose love over patriarchy?