I’m getting tired of being the household beast of burden. Last night I decided to try and make just ONE damned chore in the house equitable. I assigned one kid to empty the dishwasher, the other to fill it, and my husband to wash whatever large items wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher. We discussed it. He agreed it was fair. I HATE a dirty kitchen and can’t cook when it’s filthy and I’m tired of doing all the cleanup before slaving away at the stove and then repeating.

Spoiler: he did not wash the dishes. He played video games and then went to bed. I washed them this morning.

I was mildly annoyed (read this happens constantly so I’m used to it) and told him just now that since I washed those dishes, could he please put them away. He’s doing that now, but his response has me fucking fuming.

“Why wouldn’t you just wait until I washed them? Why did you HAVE to do the dishes just to make me feel bad about it?”

I was mildly annoyed before and now I’m just fucking furious. He has no idea why I would even consider that manipulative. I’m so mad right now I can’t even find the words to productively explain to him why that statement was so offside.

Help me, sisters. I can’t even find the words.

  • CorruptBuddha@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    110·
    10 months ago

    You’re the one setting goals you know he won’t meet. 15 years… 15 years getting pissed/frustrated/etc at someone. 15 years of failure.

    Anyways, I’m pretty sure you’re aware of this, say whatever you want to the people that don’t know better.

    It’s absolutely not like that at all. I said it ONCE, not repeatedly and it was recently. As in a very tired, exhausted “I love you but I hate being married to you” because I’m just so so so tired. I have been understanding, angry, goal oriented, blasé, I’ve been every way.

    How about some humility? You straight up tell your husband you hate being married to him, and rather then see that as a problem on your part you’re here trying to justify it.

    Like god damn, 15 years! 15 years of setting your partner up for failure.

    Your partner isn’t allowed to say you make him feel guilty, but you straight up refer to him as a shitty failure? You’re allowed to tell him you hate being married to him? That’s messed up.

    • Saraphim@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      8·
      10 months ago

      You must be joking. 15 years of a non-equal partnership and I’m the problem ? I’m not setting him up for failure. I’m expecting him to be an equal and contributing member of our partnership. Good luck with your future relationships if you think expecting someone to wash four pots as their only chore on a given day is a problem.

      • CorruptBuddha@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
        15·
        10 months ago

        I’m not setting him up for failure. I’m expecting him to be an equal and contributing member of our partnership.

        You know he’s not that person, so you are setting him up for failure, but whatever.

        • Saraphim@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
          5·
          10 months ago

          One is malicious in intent and one is expecting another adult to just be a fucking adult. This is a child’s opinion.

          • CorruptBuddha@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
            15·
            10 months ago

            Oh yes… Spending 15 years failing to change someone is a very adult decision. Maybe year 16 is where he finally gets his shit together!

            You’re being cruel, point blank. That’s a choice you’re choosing to make. Him being a lazy partner isn’t justification to be emotionally abusive. You know he’s not going to meet your standards. You have 15 years of evidence. You just seem unable to accept it.

            It’s clear your partner has some form of executive disfunction. Do you enjoy treating him badly or something? Because why else would you do this? You’re not being honest. All you want to do is talk about how you deserve an equal partner, but the situation is bigger then that.

            I hope someday your partner clues in and realizes they’ll never be able to make you happy, because you two have a toxic dynamic, something you seem unconcerned about.

            –edit—

            Do you hate him for not being the person you expected him to be? Is that why you think it’s okay to keep attacking his flaws?

            • Saraphim@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
              4·
              10 months ago

              I have an executive function disorder. I manage. I do not abuse him and I resent the accusation. You’re clearly a child or projecting your own shit onto my marriage but you’re way off base.

              • CorruptBuddha@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
                14·
                10 months ago

                I have an executive function disorder. I manage.

                That’s you. Your husband doesn’t manage, and hasn’t been managing for 15 years.

                I do not abuse him and I resent the accusation.

                Yeah I disagree. Telling you’re partner you hate being married to them absolutely qualifies as emotional abuse in my books. That one comment alone completely justifies your partner feeling like you guilt them.

                You’re clearly a child or projecting your own shit onto my marriage but you’re way off base.

                You’re in denial.