I’m getting tired of being the household beast of burden. Last night I decided to try and make just ONE damned chore in the house equitable. I assigned one kid to empty the dishwasher, the other to fill it, and my husband to wash whatever large items wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher. We discussed it. He agreed it was fair. I HATE a dirty kitchen and can’t cook when it’s filthy and I’m tired of doing all the cleanup before slaving away at the stove and then repeating.
Spoiler: he did not wash the dishes. He played video games and then went to bed. I washed them this morning.
I was mildly annoyed (read this happens constantly so I’m used to it) and told him just now that since I washed those dishes, could he please put them away. He’s doing that now, but his response has me fucking fuming.
“Why wouldn’t you just wait until I washed them? Why did you HAVE to do the dishes just to make me feel bad about it?”
I was mildly annoyed before and now I’m just fucking furious. He has no idea why I would even consider that manipulative. I’m so mad right now I can’t even find the words to productively explain to him why that statement was so offside.
Help me, sisters. I can’t even find the words.
Your preference for everything put away by the end of the night is your preference, not his. My partner doesn’t care to put things away after the kids are asleep, but they’ll be put away in the morning before everyone is up… presences are balanced that way.
Do you constantly nag him about things that you haven’t clearly communicated or is this a special case?
This isn’t a case of preference. This is really one thing in a long line of things. Unfortunately our relationship is a very uneven one where I am responsible for most of the running of the house, as well as the income, and all other tasks. What I’m asking is for some minor changes that make my workload easier to bear.
Having them put away in the morning isn’t an option either. He chooses to sleep until 10-11 daily, then games until he goes to work around 4. He gets home around 8 and then games until 2-3am.
So as you can see, that leaves very little time for him to chip in with chores.
I actually resist nagging. I hate it myself - his mother is a turbo-nag so he actually has a hard time understanding something is important unless he’s being nagged to death. It’s unhealthy and I avoid participating in that type of negative motivation.
Unfortunately it also means that since I don’t force him, he just doesn’t do it, which then falls back on me. And generally with a side of manipulation about how I’m the bad guy to encourage me to not engage next time either.
Your husband works for 20 hours a week, but you are responsible for housekeeping, cooking, childcare and transportation, and you are also the main earner?
Unfortunately yes. When we met he owned his own business and it was doing well. But he’s not a very motivated worker so over the next couple years he pulled back on his work more and more until it was costing more money to run than he was making. We had an economic downturn around the same time and I was making very good money, although working a lot of hours. When our daughter was born, we decided it was time to close up shop and he would be the stay at home parent so I could focus on earning. That was the worst 4 years of my life where I worked 80-100 hours a week and he barely did anything at all. I even had our daughter in daycare three days a week because it was too much for him and she needed socialization. He just stayed home and played games all day. No play dates, no park, nothing. Certainly very little cooking or cleaning and I was still responsible for most emotional labour tasks. I told him finally he had to go back to work or we’d be separating. He did, but since I was earning enough, that was “his” money. One of the massive points of contention was that the felt like he had to ask me for money and I agree that’s a shitty feeling. So he kept the money he made, and I still worked and paid for everything and did all the house stuff. It’s been a lot of years since then, a couple moves, I had what I’m pretty sure is a nervous breakdown after getting fired from my very well paying job (they thought they could find someone to do what I did for 1/3 the cost). Now I have ptsd from all the abuse and insane hours I experienced at that job, so I can’t really work in that field anymore and our income is significantly reduced. I picked up another full time job which earns less but that I can handle emotionally. So he contributes but it’s like 85:15 maybe ? And only because he sees me throwing up and sleeping when I’m not working. The kids are older so I have a reprieve there mostly. I’d put my actual work hours between my job and side hustle at about 55 hours a week right now. The rest is chores and mental health exercises or stress sleeping.
I’m still doing a lot of work to get back to a good place psychologically and emotionally.
As you can see- there hasn’t been a lot of time or energy to be able to set healthy boundaries and with his natural inclination to squirm like a worm on a hook, I usually just end up doing most things myself.
He’s not working on YOUR schedule. That’s quite clearly a matter of preference.
As for the nagging… well, you’ve posted this so you’ve clearly taken what you don’t like about his mother and amplified it into the stratosphere.
Meanwhile… you’re the victim of your Story.
Hopefully his next partner is actually a partner cuz that ain’t you sister.