The pressure of the ongoing long train of personal hypocrisy is mounting towards a zenith. Standing up for what’s right means going against the grain when this is necessary, and going against the grain when necessary means making a scene when this is necessary. Yet in too many situations where all due considerations call for making a scene, I fail to do so, leaving me feeling disgusted with myself, like a servile lackey who cannot withstand even the slightest bit of outside pressure. I worry what will happen, then, when the mounting pressure of my hypocrisy does meet its zenith, and in any case this situation is completely unsustainable and needs to be ended as soon as possible for my own sake and for the sake of all the creatures of the Earth.

Yet I still feel completely lost as to how to actually address this fatal character flaw, after trying to solve it for years, and so I would like anyone’s advice. Others’ advice probably won’t be of much help, but it’s still probably better than nothing.

Sent from Mdewakanton Dakota lands / Sept. 29 1837

Treaty with the Sioux of September 29th, 1837

“We Will Talk of Nothing Else”: Dakota Interpretations of the Treaty of 1837

  • Erika3sis [she/her, xe/xem]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
    7·
    24 days ago

    Well, I mean things like saying I don’t want to eat chicken, or asking strangers for spare masks, or calling out transphobia, or not letting someone use my card when I find out that the store we’re in donates its proceeds to a ghoul cause.

    Sent from Mdewakanton Dakota lands / Sept. 29 1837

    Treaty with the Sioux of September 29th, 1837

    “We Will Talk of Nothing Else”: Dakota Interpretations of the Treaty of 1837

    • Barx [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
      4·
      24 days ago

      Oh sorry I totally misunderstood. I try to be careful with advice on direct interpersonal interactions because I prefer to first validate what you’re experiencing and also because it often depends on the person.

      Would you say that experiences like this give you anxiety, so you avoid them? If so, is it the anticipation of experience itself that induces anxiety or is it concern over negative outcome? Or is it more about preferring to avoid any kind of confrontation?

      One thing that can help in general is to take small steps to get to your goal. Spend some time thinking about what situations like this would only be a little uncomfortable, but not a lot, and that you can have control over initiating. And plan out how you want to approach the situation. In all situations, I recommend projecting the emotion of the response you want to receive. For example, smiling can help when asking for something and many people will reflexively smile in response and assume this will be a friendly interaction.

      But I might be getting ahead of myself again and I should really wait for your response.

        • Barx [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
          2·
          23 days ago

          It might help to break the possibility of a negative outcome down into pieces and process them a bit in advance, too.

          Most of the time it will probably go fine and even if you perceive negativity it might not really be there. In other words, you might be prematurely catastrophizing, which is no fun at all for you. Just thinking about and recognizing and reflecting on this possibility can be helpful, and so can verbalizing it. Even just to yourself!So you say you don’t want chicken and someone replies, “why, not, it’s so good!?” like you’re being weird. That’s probably okay, they’re probably just socializing a little awkwardly and it doesn’t reflect on you even though it feels negative. “Not feeling it” with a smile probably diffuses the situation and you can begin to relax. Think of the relaxation part of that fake conversation and replay it a few times in your mind. This can help you out when something real happens, it can turn a social pothole into a minor bump that you can easily roll past (over time!).

          But let’s say it isn’t just catastrophizing, sometimes an outcome is actually negative and you’re not in a place to deal with it. That is also valid, and also not fun at all. People try to deal with this in various ways. Sometimes they get aggressive and pick at people defensively, though it sounds like this isn’t what you’re doing. Would you say it is accurate to describe it as withdrawing or trying to roll with uncomfortable situations, to “put up” with them to avoid potentially negative outcomes? Are you feeling frustration or other negative feelings because you feel a little like a doormat? I’m just guessing, asking questions, because not all of this may apply. And again, it is valid to feel or not feel these ways and I am only giving suggestions because it’s something bothering you. If some of these things apply, you might be interested in looking into the psychology of “people pleasing”, as it probably overlaps with some of what you are experiencing. I would summarize it as trying to make do and adapt to others and their perspectives and needs to a point where it boomerangs back to bite us. And again, this is valid and not a negative epithet even though it has a name! You may find that at least some of the concept resonates with you and just finding compatriots that experience the same thing can be invaluable for finding strategies that work for you to feel better or more comfortable in the situations you want to tackle.

          Or maybe it won’t resonate completely! That’s also cool. If it doesn’t, identifying what doesn’t fit is also useful