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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-12-05 05:01:09+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Material-Pear1840

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not letting my husband control the money in our house?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: financial abuse and exploitation

Original Post: July 30, 2024

My husband and i have been married for over a year and he knows what i make hourly, but i dont just hand money over to him.

Back story - 10 years my kids dad took control of my bank account and income, spent my savings and gave me an allowance of $50 a week from my check. This had to cover gas, groceries and diapers. I gave birth to our second child a year and a half later and would walk to the store so i would have gas for work. One day, i had to madw a decision on buying diapers for my oldest or my newborn. I cried in the diaper section because i couldnt believe my life had gotten to this point.

Ill never forget the kind person who purchased the diapers for my children and gave me extra money to hide. When i had gotten home i was belittled and accused of stealing money to buy so much. When i explained $50 a week for 4 of us including diapers wasnt enough he told me to figure it out. I asked for $100 a week. Eventually, i convinced him to allow me more money. 3 months later i left and swore id never allow another man to do that again.

Present day 10 years later, my husband was fully aware that i came with about $18,000 in credit card debt. Ive successfully paid almost all of it in full in 2 years. (Made it possible, by not having my own house, leach of an ex with 4 kids, and no utilities)

Im responsible for groceries for our family of 5, phone bill for us, and car insurance. I have my car payment and 1 credit card. My husband pays the utilities and house payment. We recently purchased a new to us camper and he took a loan on it and put the money i got from my totaled camper in the bank, so he has that as well as his vehicle payment.

He says i should be giving him $300 or more a month for savings and to help with the utilities and i wont. If something happens to him, i cant access that account to pay bills etc. I dont believe im on his account at all. I opened an account 5 months ago and have $250 a check placed into it for safe keeping.

I also must get school supplies, kids clothes, etc. His exwife they split the cost 50/50 for their daughter, but my ex and i are not on those types of terms. My husband gets huffy that my situation isnt like his but i told him it is what it is.

Every pay period he will ask me for money for utilities and i brush it off or say if you buy groceries sure. He says, i dont know how to save money and he should have what is left of my check each week for vacation, going to dinner, etc. I wont do it. The mere thought of having an allowance again terrifies me. Do i overspend some weeks? Yes, but i dont use a credit card to buy items anymore. I dont rob peter to pay paul like i did in 2020. I budget right down to coupons for groceries and what my grocery bill will be before i enter the store.

He says i need to trust him and let him hold onto all of our money together because his savings account is my savings account also. I just cant bring myself to do this unless i can have full access to the account as well. I dont see that being an option.

He recently sold a vehicle and put $16,000 in the savings and gave me $1,000 to spend on whatever i wanted to. So i put $200 in the bank, bought my kids each one christmas gift early (at a friends house so i dont hand it over now that were on sale and i paid $200 a piece per item) ordered myself new glasses ($275) and contacts($150).I wanted a hoodie for $20 and he said i gave you money did you spend it already? I said kind of (he knew what i did with it) and he said he wasnt buying the hoodie because im irresponsible with money and he should have never given me the $1,000 and asked for receipts on everything i bought. He knew i went to the eye doctor, he knew how much i paid and he knew about the gifts i got now because i saved more than i spent on the christmas gifts.

Hes been very pushy about just holding all the money that his friends are beginning to make comments about it. Telling me i need to pay when we go out for drinks, telling me i need to pull that debit card out and pay the tab. I probably have $10,000 in the bank. I leave the tip, i dont drink when we go out aside from water. Occasionally will have a sipper, but i wont risk a DUI. I tip because the bartenders are usually really good making sure my water is full all the time and i never go without it. So i take care of them.

AITAH for not letting my husband have control of all the money?

Edit: I want to be clear the debt I acquired and had when we moved in together was from a past relationship, taking a huge pay cut and covid. During covid it killed my income. I hardly worked and was continuing looking for work while homeschooling both my kids. I robbed peter to pay paul and my exbf who lived with me didn’t want to help with anything and was a huge financial burden. I had to get that reeled in.

Edit 2: Our incomes are similar currently. In January, I was put up for a promotion, and once my training is complete, my monthly income will be 1.5 more than his current monthly income. My current income base off his base pay and not OT yearly is about $6,000 a year difference annually and can go up to $20,000 with OT.

Edit 3: his bills amount to roughly $700 a month, house is $400, leaving $300 openly for gas,water, electric.

Mine - car insurance- $250 a month? It just changed again because he sold a vehicle and bought a different one. Last month, it was $337, phone a little over $264.03 includes internet, groceries, which range weekly from $200 to $400 a week depending on produce, meat purchasing etc. Which is a big reason why I haven’t been helping with household bills. I also pay for all streaming services which can be ridiculous too.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Additional Information from OOP on the finances towards mortgage, bills, etc.

OOP: When we agreed to move in together and I gave up my rental home, he paid for everything so I could pay the debt off and purchase a vehicle. (I couldn’t afford the car payment prior to moving in any longer, so I sold it back to the dealership). I borrowed a vehicle from my sister for 4 months til I got some of my stuff paid down and bought a new car with a lower payment.

After about 5 months of relying on him for everything he asked if I wanted to cover groceries since I do the cooking, home inventory (toiletries, kitchen supplies etc) and I took that on as well as taking the phone bill and car insurance.

He said since the house and utilities were in his name and my kids and I moving in didn’t change much aside from water he wasn’t concerned on me paying those because the main thing in the house that has went up is groceries.

We had balanced it out with the house payment and utilities being about $650-$700 in total. Myself paying for car insurance $300(for 3 vehicles and a camper), phone payment $200, as well as being the person to buy all the groceries it was an even enough that he pays the utilities and house

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA he doesn’t need to have your money that’s yours, is there a massive difference in income? Is there a massive difference in what he pays out for monthly bills?

OOP: From my understanding, with me paying for groceries I pay out more than he does (because let’s face it grocery costs have tripled). I want to say including house and utilities alone it’s about $700 a month on a extremely hot month or cold month for heat and AC.

Phones and vehicle insurance costs $500 a month, and add groceries, which, depending on what I buy, can e $200 to $400 a week.

OOP should be cautious on having a joint account with her husband, likely to be financially abusive

OOP: He says it is part of being married. My sister has been married for 20 years, and they don’t share bank accounts. So, to me, having their own account is normal. I’ve never been married before.

He’s also made a comment about how not allowing him access to my money is im hiding what I have so I can plan to leave in the future.

Does OOP or her husband earn more money than the other?

OOP: He’s been the breadwinner, but I’ve recently been placed for a promotion, which will jump my income by $1000 a month or more. Before this news, he was pushy about wanting all the information on my money. Now that it is getting closer, he is pushing harder. When I buy something for myself (I got a pair of shoes for walking) he asked if I got my raise and I just say I wish. He said when I do I have to give him $500 of it so he can keep it for safe keeping.

 

Update: November 28, 2024 (four months later)

I took some of your suggestions previously. Asked him to go to marriage counseling and he declined because he didn’t have any issues in our marriage except me.

Sugges…

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  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    2·
    22 days ago

    Update: November 28, 2024 (four months later)

    I took some of your suggestions previously. Asked him to go to marriage counseling and he declined because he didn’t have any issues in our marriage except me.

    Suggested a joint bank account for bills and bills alone and we have separate accounts for our savings. This argument was pretty much the end of our marriage for me.

    I ipened my own savings account at a different bank than I currently banked through. I didn’t have a debit card and if I needed to pull money out I had to physically go to the bank.

    I picked up side cleaning jobs for spending money so I wouldn’t really touch either account I had.

    We went to a sporting event with our children (I have 2 he has one from previous relationships). After the event the kids wanted fast food which was ok by me it was late and I didn’t want to cook. He asked me when we won the lottery and I told him I didn’t feel like cooking so it was fine and handed him $20.

    3 days later, I went to work apparently he had other decisions with that came withbthe money in his account that he wanted me to put money into. I came home to the ugliest dam car in our driveway. He wasn’t home, he was at the bar so when he pulled in the driveway I pretended to be sleeping so I wouldn’t blow up that night on him. Since he had been drinking for 5 hours I knew it wasn’t the best idea anyway.

    He was mad at me when I woke up in the morning because I didn’t say goodnight to him and was asleep by the time he got home.

    He said I don’t have to worry because he was going to take a loan out on the car to put the money back in his savings account. The same thing he did with the camper when I gave him money for it. Had I actually given him money to put in the savings account it wasn’t our money it was his money. Financial decisions were his and his alone apparently.

    I started looking for an apartment when I got to work and within 3 hours I was signing paperwork and getting a cashiers check for a security deposit.

    I told him the day before I was moving that I was leaving and he asked me how I could this without taking to him. I said well you bought a car without talking to me first so I got an apartment without your permission.

    Filed for divorce on my birthday. Ive been called a gold digger, accused of having an affair and being blamed for his financial problems he is currently in.

    The camper I practically paid for and he decided to get a loan on it to have money in his savings account. He doesn’t want anymore and said I have to pay for the cost of the loan to get it out from under him when I dont see why I should have to. Since I gave him cash I don’t have a trail on what it was for when I gave him the money nor did he ever put it in the bank after I gave it to him. So if I want the camper I don’t really have a choice but to do it.

    He’s asked for cash for the camper and I literally laughed out loud at him and said I did that once already and I’m not doing it again and having to pay additional anymore.

    He calls me asking me for the truth and if I was really cheating on him and that caused for me to leave because I wasn’t watering his garden. I told him marriages end for others things and not just affairs and told him to seek therapy because he has a lot of unresolved issues from his previous marriages if he assumes I cheated on him.

    I’m getting a divorce, after divorce ill be looking to purchase my own home and having absolutely no contact with him.

    My children and I are thriving already in our little apartment and I’m managing my money very well.

    He wanted someone to depend on him and need him. That just wasn’t me.

    OOP on her ex’s prior marriages

    OOP: Both his exwives are remarried, and he’s friends with them. I didn’t think if they were all friends that their marriages ended badly.

    Commenter 1: People like your (stb ex)husband are very good at deceiving their evil.

    They look for a victim who’s already been traumatized and then play their cards right so that you feel safe in them. Once they have you in a position they feel they have you controlled, they slowly start tightening the noose.

    Comments about an outfit or plans you made, financial control, a little shove and then an immediate apology. Different methods, the end result is all the same: Control.

    Congratulations for getting out of that!

    OOP: He had everyone fooled. My friends would call him and ask for permission for me to go places with them and not mention it to me first so “it would be a surprise” after awhile so I could escape.

    The weight that lifted off my shoulders once everything was in my apartment was breathtaking.

    He kept saying in the beginning, all I wanted was freedom so I would text him the definition of what it meant and said yes its nice to no longer be in prison.

    DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

    THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP