COLUMBUS, GA—Drawing a blank just seconds after landing on the trunk of the Douglas fir, local domestic shorthair Butterscotch confirmed Thursday that clinging to the side of the Christmas tree was the extent of his plan. “Okay, so I’ve jumped halfway up the trunk of the tree and dug my nails into the bark, but now what?” said the cat, who pondered whether pissing on the trunk or screeching at the top of his lungs would be the best next step forward. “Step one, climb the tree. Check. Step two, hmmm. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And I’m not saying it was a bad idea—I’m just saying I’m still not sure what’s next.” At press time, the cat had reportedly settled on biting and scratching anyone who attempted to remove him from the tree.
Having known golden retrievers, their point still stands. The difference is that goldens have achieved mastery in what I call toxic amicability. It’s one of my favorite toxins, in fact.