Iāve stopped caring. I need help. Iām going to go on a weird rant here, but itās how I talk when Iām super focused on somethingā¦like getting help. Iām going to try to cover as many faucets that I feel are broken as I can, so itās going to be long. Iām sorry.
I donāt know when, but itās been a LONG time and itās affected my physically, mentally, emotionally. I know I have depression, I know I need to want to change. I know most of the psychiatrist things, well not true but I have a hard time siding with or following through with theā¦I donāt know how to say it but like the feel good therapist talk? Follow this color wheel of emotion stuff kinda stuffā¦or write out your emotions in this diary.
Iām isolated, lonley, disconnected from everything, not eating, not drinking enough, vices are at an all time high, hygiene is non existent, house upkeep is basically non-existent, physical activity revolves around walking to the kitchen, basement/upstairs, to my office, and to bed where I spend more than 10+ hours laying there waiting for the day to be over so I can go to work as I enjoy it. I havenāt seen my doctor in about 2 years or so and at that time I was prescribed some anti depression stuff, makes my heart explode. I need help. I donāt know where to go, how to fix this or even see light on the other side.
Iāve made appointments with my doctor, but I always forget to go, or book the day off. Even with alarms and whatnot. Iām horrid with keeping scheduled things that arenāt immediate. Doctorās visits are like 8 months+ before I get a date.
Iāve disconnected myself from everything. I try to communicate with my son, but he lives too far and I never seem him. Iām horrid at texting people in that if itās out of sight out of mind. I never just text and forget to text. If itās not constant communication, I forgot. If itās constant, I will be there and be a part. But once it gets quiet again, I ever check it. My mom, brothers, same thing. Friends, same thing. I donāt buy/Subscribe/consume anything, literally nothing but food and stuff for my dog and cat. Iām like a hermit.
This part bugs meā¦I can go months without anyone so much as looking at me. Itās like I donāt exist. No calls or messages from friends, family (unless I didnāt pay a bill or something). No birthdays, no oneās said Merry Christmas to me or even happy new year yet. I get no acknowledgement from anyone unless they want something from me which Iāll always do because I like doings things for others. No one acknowledges societal things with me and it hurts. A lot.
I have no energy. I sleep/lay down from about 6ish until 10pm, eat, then lay down. I get up periodically to put the dog out or take her to the park for offleash but thatās it. Iām in bed or working. Iām on a steroid which is supposed to give me energy but yeahā¦doesnāt do it (anymore)
I eat like trash. This obviously doesnāt help. I will go 36 hours on coffee and bananas, then consume some fast food. Iām overweight but not crazy bad. 6ft235. Iām dehydrated from drinking a glass of water maybeā¦every week? Maybe 2. Itās mostly coffee and milk.
I donāt clean my house, I canāt throw things away. I have a couch thatās got destroyed cushions from dog as a puppy, it just sits there. I donāt even use the thing. Never have. I canāt throw it out. Not donāt want to, just canāt be bothered? Crap is everywhere in the house. And I use none of it. 2 computers, and a bed. Thatās what I use.
Trust issues. I donāt trust. My trust has been broken so bad which I suspect is the reason I donāt consume. I donāt trust products, or companies claims. I assume they will just break and Iāll be stuck buying to replace forever. I canāt bring myself to buy things that I donāt trust which is another reason why I havenāt bought a couch or new clothes.
In short, Iāve completely checked out from life and society as a whole, and Ive upset myself to the point where negative intrusive thoughts towards myself enter my head. I wouldnāt ever act upon them, Iām more logical then that but they exist unwilling and I want them to stop. I need help, if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction?
(I would have posted this in the seeking help or asklemmy sub but I was banned for something or other. Probably a bad day on my part. Regardlessā¦step 1)
You need to get yourself to the doctor where you can have a very honest discussion about how your feeling. Donāt worry about fixing everything right now. Just focus on this one thing. Different anti-depressants affect different people differently. They also take time, sometimes up to a couple weeks, to get dialed in. My psych put me in Vilozodone this past summer and it was a good three weeks before things started evening out. Iāve felt pretty good since then.
After you get on a good med regimen, focus on self care. What do/did you like to do for fun? Iāve spent a lot of time playing golf and fishing whenever I need a break but thatās what I like to do.
Depression is rough, man. It can drag you down like an anchor and make it feel like you canāt keep your head above the surface. It sucks the joy out of every part of you life. Start fighting and winning this battle and youāll find that the other ones become easier.