I only speak cantonese at home, for most of contact with society, it was English, when in the US, or during the few early years of my life in China, it was Mandarin. (But now it’s just English, since its the US)
And my parents are… not very nice parents…
Emotionally abusive for my entire life, and, during the early years of my life, used “corporal punishment”, but only stopped because I got older and can defend myself.
But still constantly being emotionally abusive.
And deny that my (diagnosed) depression exists, while accusing me of “faking” it. While simultaneously threatening to hospitalize me.
Also my (older) brother (who also speaks cantonese at home) is a major douchbag, very abusive to me, especially when I was younger.
grandparents are passive agressive
Like, I kinda just hate Cantonese. I mean, almost every interaction in Cantonese is with an abusive person. And with how closely related Mandarin is to Cantonese, I kinda hate Mandarin too. There’s just so much conservative culture that’s attached to Chinese languages, everytime I hear someone talk in Chinese, especially Cantonese, I kinda feel fear, I feel like my parents are nearby and are yelling at me.
I mean, with English interactions, there’s like half good half bad interactions
With cantonese, its like almost 100% bad interactions
So like… 🤷♂️
It sounds completely natural to associate a language with the experiences you had in it.
Would it be weird to hate France if you went, had your luggage stolen, then got mugged, and then we’re diagnosed with cancer while you were there?
Humans brains are just association machines, and that language has associations for you. Maybe try to find friends in that community to make your own, positive associations?
That’s what you get from giving French a chance. Not even once.