I only speak cantonese at home, for most of contact with society, it was English, when in the US, or during the few early years of my life in China, it was Mandarin. (But now it’s just English, since its the US)
And my parents are… not very nice parents…
Emotionally abusive for my entire life, and, during the early years of my life, used “corporal punishment”, but only stopped because I got older and can defend myself.
But still constantly being emotionally abusive.
And deny that my (diagnosed) depression exists, while accusing me of “faking” it. While simultaneously threatening to hospitalize me.
Also my (older) brother (who also speaks cantonese at home) is a major douchbag, very abusive to me, especially when I was younger.
grandparents are passive agressive
Like, I kinda just hate Cantonese. I mean, almost every interaction in Cantonese is with an abusive person. And with how closely related Mandarin is to Cantonese, I kinda hate Mandarin too. There’s just so much conservative culture that’s attached to Chinese languages, everytime I hear someone talk in Chinese, especially Cantonese, I kinda feel fear, I feel like my parents are nearby and are yelling at me.
I mean, with English interactions, there’s like half good half bad interactions
With cantonese, its like almost 100% bad interactions
So like… 🤷♂️
Maybe you need to find a warm group of Cantonese speakers (native or otherwise) that could help you make healthy bonds with your mother tongue. It would be a shame to lose fluency in it because of your trauma. But it’s understandable to feel the way you feel.
The only group of Cantonese speakers I find around the US are middle-aged adults, or elderly, first generation immigrants, who probably I can’t relate to (due to generational gap)
I would probably more be able to relate to younger people. But most of those are Hong Kongers, and that’s within the borders of PRC, and especially now after the National Security Act (after the 2019 protests), I don’t feel comfortable going there.