This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-03-09 05:48:12+00:00.

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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is TwoIdiosyncraticCats. She posted on r/captainawkward. This is sort of an external, sort of a reddit post.

I have OOP’s permission to post this as she frequents BORU. She commented on another post here (link includes our interaction)

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Do not harass OOP.

Trigger Warning: infidelity

Mood Spoiler: OOP is great

Original Post: September 17, 2020 (written to the Captain Awkward blog)

Beloved Captain,

I don’t know if this is a terribly small problem, or if I’m just not seeing the larger picture, but this has been eating at me for years.

I (she/her) have been married to my husband (he/him) for almost 30 years. He can be kind and funny and generous. At the same time, there is one issue that bites and nibbles at me. He will never say he’s sorry.

The most recent example was this week, when our son bought groceries for his own lunch, only to discover later that his father ate it all. Not a big deal, of course. Son said he only wished his father had apologized. His father said he wouldn’t and went on a tear about how he did all the grocery shopping, etc., etc. And yes, he does most of the shopping. And yes, it’s a minor thing, but a quick “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was yours” is also a minor thing. If I wanted to count coup, I probably could, but why? We’re family. We help each other. We apologize when we screw up. At the same time, he apparently does. My contributions don’t count. Our son paying rent and running errands and doing work around the house doesn’t either.

I want to say this is him being frustrated by his job and COVID-19, but I’m all out of excuses and I’m tired of walking on egg-shells. Part of me wants to book a flight to Alaska and disappear for a few weeks.

Help?

Signed,

Mrfkt

[editor’s note*: Captain Awkward’s advice can be found at the bottom of the post, also linked* here]

Update Comment: February 27, 2025 (4.5 years later)

Hi, I’m the LW [letter writer] of this post. I recently thought of my letter and CA’s reply and I thought I’d post an update here.

So. I took the Captain’s advice, sort of. I replaced the ringtone for him with Brenda Lee’s “I’m So Sorry.” My son did something similar and we had a good laugh about it. Life went on as before.

Then, on Labor Day of 2022, I discovered my (now) ex had been cheating on me with dozens of sex workers and also with random guys. This had gone on for years, apparently. Talk about tip of the iceberg.

Obviously, I divorced him. My ex claimed he was a sex addict and couldn’t help himself. Our son talked him into getting therapy but the ex quit after three sessions because “it was too incovenient.”

Since then, I’ve had lots of therapy and have rebuilt my life. I bought a condo. Remodeled it when and how I wished. (Another long story.) I spent over a year being SO ANGRY. I’ve let go of the anger, but for my own sake. As for my ex, he lives alone and continues to lead the swinger/sex worker life he chose, but with less money. We actually have a polite relationship these days, and I call on him to do handyman work for me because, as I said, “you owe me.”

Looking back over our marriage, I can see so many issues that I had either missed or ignored because things could be worse. Willful blindness, you could say. I am happier now than I’ve ever been, though the road to this point was not one I would have chosen.

Oh, and this time, he actually did say he was sorry.

Some of OOP’s Comments referencing ex on other posts through the years:

February 2025 Comment: I once wrote to Captain Awkward and used the phrase “aside from this one really annoying trait, he’s a great husband.” Reader, I was so wrong.

February 2025 Comment: My ex was convinced that this one sex worker loved him. I asked if she still charged him for sex, and he got mad.

February 2025 Comment: My sex addict ex cheated on me with sex workers. He started off with a handful of visits here and there, but when he received a huge profit sharing bonus from his employer, he went off the deep end and spent at least half with multiple visits a day. (I found out all of this after the fact.)

Bonus is now gone. He no longer has access to my retirement funds or whatever other income I get. He still visits sex workers, but he doesn’t have the funds to indulge as much as he used to.

December 2024 Comment: My ex created an almost second life for himself. We were married for 31 years, and for at least 10 years, he cheated on me with dozens of sex workers and random hookups at gay bathhouses. The time and energy–and MONEY–he spent keeping these two parts separate was astonishing.

In [sub that does not like cross-posting] we call these people cake eaters. They want the stability marriage gives them, not to mention the work/salary the spouse contributes, but they want the excitement of an affair (or in my ex’s case, the fantasies he played with the sex workers).

August 2024 Comment: [what made her leave] I don’t mind the question at all. So let’s see if I can summarize…

First, I was lucky that we had no children and that I had a well-paying job. That truly makes things easier. Even so, I kept hesitating, changing my mind, telling myself it wasn’t really rape, or that he didn’t hurt me every day. I was also afraid of being alone.

But one day I realized that I’d spend my life in misery–a life that would likely end in suicide–unless I left him. It was as though I could picture looking back over the years and realizing I’d wasted them. It was scary. I didn’t want to live a solitary life. But staying with him was more frightening, and that spurred me to act.

February 2024 Comment: I found out one day that my now-ex had been cheating on me for half our marriage. Not an affair, but lots and lots of sex workers. I was shocked. Our son was shocked. Ex was truly living a double life. I divorced him, of course.

Now, a couple years later, we are on friendly-ish terms, but I admit I feel a bit of glee when he tells me he’s bleeding money for utilities or house repair or whatever. He can’t afford the sex workers as often as before, and he hasn’t yet connected with anyone on the swinger lifestyle sites or the more ordinary ones. I sometimes wonder if he’ll end up alone and lonely and broke.

Ah well. As my son said, That’s his problem, Mom.

September 2023 Funny Comment: My ex has an android. Didn’t prevent me from finding out and him from meeting the consequences of his own actions.

May 2023 Comment: Last September, I discovered my husband had cheated on me for years. Sex workers. Casual hookups. I filed for divorce. Part of me wishes I could have reconciled–he was my best friend, or so I thought–but he destroyed my trust.

As we say over on [redacted sub], I miss the person I thought I had married. Whenever I miss him, I remember that he chose to cheat.

February 2023 Comment: My ex-MIL is such a lovely person. After I called, in tears, to tell her that her son cheated on me and I’d be divorcing him, she was nothing but kind and supportive. She told me I’d always be family.

December 2022: My STBX offered to get counseling for his sex addiction and for our marriage. But he had so utterly destroyed my trust by all his lies that I knew I had to divorce him.

Cat tax: