I’ve been having a dought. It’s a small nagging one but it’s there.
I’ve been working a lot with my therapist on self hate issues, but I can acknowledge them.
I realized I can never really be in any kind of physical relationship with somone because of this. I’m repulsed by myself and perhaps my asexuality is just a result of that.
I wonder if I am so repulsed by myself that the idea of me being with anyone is rejected because of the “me” part and not how I feel towards others. Where some may think “I want to kiss that person” I can’t bare the thought if subjecting somone to me in that way. And therefore the thought is gross.
Does anyone else deal with this? Any advice?
Maybe? Is your self hate about your physical appearance?
I’m repulsed by myself because I feel too broken and fucked up to subject someone else to me.
It feels like a lot of people feel they are too broken and stuff to be with someone, I feel that way.
Oh well.
Appearance is a one thing. Mostly just being fat. But i see that as debit, and I have a lot of debits including the monitary kind.
I’ve also had the usual sense non worth from a series of bad relationships, including an employer treating me like drone for sevreal years before firing me without any stated reason.
Same for me man, for worked like a machine 80+ hours a week then boom, see ya. Been unemployed for over a year now and haven’t done anything.
I see these flaws in myself, but I usually can keep the idea that those things can eventually be fixed or work out.
Idk man, you’re not alone though. There’s a lot of guys like us that are not talking. It’s difficult. It’s not going to get sorted out overnight. I don’t know what the answer is, but shit is going to happen regardless of what you do. Just try and do your best one day at a time.
That’s rough man. It seems you got the exeriance and a hell of a work ethic. But losing the job is like instant burnout. I manged to get back in my industry but never really took time to recover. And no matter how good I am now I know I’m just as expendable as last time.
Still keep learning new skills, keep networking, eventually you’ll find passion for the work again.
That’s that one bit of advice I can give is work for a job that’s aligned with your values. I’m in a non profit now. I don’t even care if they get rid of me anymore I can be happy knowing the work I am doing is helping people. That’s enough to keep me working even if I’m drowning in debts.
If you can’t find one that pays consider volunteering. At the very least it’ll keep you sane.
The burnout is no joke. And working so hard, giving my entire life to them, just for them to pop in one Friday to say yeah no you’re gone, we need someone who isn’t burnt out. That’s my expectation for every job at this point.
My problem is finding a job that aligns with me. If I really wanted to I could easily get a job with the navy, Raytheon, Lockheed, Honeywell, etc. but I just can’t bring myself to a part of war. The only people I’ve helped are delusional millionaires. I want to actually help people. I’m ready to abandon my college educated high paying career to just do something simple but fulfilling.
Fuck missiles and drones, I want to be a counselor.
The world desperately needs more counselors If it’s where you want to be I really hope you find a way into it.
I know, and it’s something that I would be very well suited for, I feel. I just don’t know how to find my way into it. All of my education is far away from that field, but I’ve always had deep interest in people, the mind, and mental health. I get imposter syndrome doing work I am very skilled and knowledgeable in, just looking at getting into counseling gives me imposter syndrome.
That one would have a lot of volunteer opportunities. It’s be a good way to network and get a sense of what you’d be getting into with far less pressure.
Though I notice some volunteer roles are a lot more demanding these days. Keep a lookout and eventually one may come along that work for you.
I am not dealing with this to answer one of your questions but had plenty interactions with people who (without making any direct comparisons) were struggling with something like that — tho not all of them were self defining as asexuals.
You started the hard work of unraveling yourself through therapy — this is a great start. Maybe there were already some mentions about self-appreciation from therapists side, if not, this might be one of the ways later down the road. Self-appreciation and self-love might be too broad and abstract concepts for you in a place where you are using words like “repulsed” about yourself, but they can be approached in the future, in a healthy way.
I want to address the other thing, which might be the even bigger issue. Plenty of people treat their sexuality as if it was a stone with equations and sacred rules to live by — while sexuality can be a pretty fluid thing full of surprises. It takes a lot of self-discovering to understand and explore ones sexuality, even if it is an actual asexuality.
All of the above takes time, my only advice for you (as I know nothing about you) would be to invest as much time as you can into yourself. Therapy is a part of that investment. Asking yourself hard questions, having doubts, all this is a part of a complicated process. It even takes time to trust that process of exploring the unknown territories.
Thank you. Your “set in stone” point makes me wonder if my asexuality is wrapped up in my identity. And that may be another thing I’d need to reflect on.
Fortunately, I am patient enough to wait amd see how things go. Not that I have much of a choice.
an actual asexuality
What is that supposed to mean? I know, but I want to hear you say it.
