Right now, I am searching for a reason to live. I am constantly lonely and bored. I constantly struggle with apathy. Occasionally I feel a need to try to improve myself, but am unable to maintain motivation for such goals beyond a few hours. Work feels unrewarding. All of my efforts feel pointless. I feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.
What do I want? The reality is that all I really want is to be left alone. I want to go to bed and stay there. I want to dream and never wake up.
The selfish, romantic dreamer in me hopes that, while lying and waiting for death, someone will come and rescue me. Someone who loves me truly, cares for me endlessly, and has boundless patience. Someone who will guide me and hold my hand through every difficulty.
I miss my angel, whether she ever really existed or not. The few times she’s come to me in my dreams and hallucinations were the only times I felt truly cared for and loved.
I want to be happy, but I don’t know what, if anything, could make me happy. Everything I have tried only brought me temporary joy and more struggles. I’d inevitably become overwhelmed with my struggles, and then I’d become even more depressed than when I started. This has been an ongoing pattern since I was a child.
I am now in a place of complete apathy. I have an intense reluctance to do much of anything. Doing things may lead to hope, and hope will only lead to further disappointment. I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointments.
The only reason I even bother trying to work and maintain my job is to support my two housemates. Not that I contribute much, but at least I can ease the burdens I place on them. Plus I fear that if I allowed myself to die then it would cause them great distress. So I continue getting up in the morning for them. I fear that one day even my concern for them will no longer be enough.
It’s hard, but try to hold on to wanting things to get better, instead of wanting them to end. Either way, it stops the shittiness. Just one way is a lot better for you than the other. I know the response, “why bother? It’s not going to happen”. When shit’s like this, you have to make the conscious choice to want things to be better. This isn’t me saying “oh just choose to be better duh” like some fucking asshole, I mean things can’t improve unless you consciously want them to. Not just the automatic “of course I want to be better” response I would have to reading this comment, I mean when a nihilistic suicidal thought crosses your mind, you have to manually think to yourself “no, that’s not right, I want to feel better”. It’s fucking hard and it takes mental effort that you might not have sometimes but things can’t improve unless you consciously want them to.
Or at least, that’s what I’ve found to be true. You’re not me, but I hope this helps you.