I’m really stuck. I’ve been unhappy for years and we’ve done couple’s therapy and tried to reconnect, but it’s just not enough.
I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can’t see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don’t know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they’ve been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.
How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn’t seem like something I could possibly do… but I can’t stay here, I’m withering away.
Help?
Maybe talk to a real-world friend who knows the both of you. Friends (or family) aren’t stuck in the situation and their perspective might help. At least they’re going to provide you with reassurance if they’re proper friends. Maybe that’s all you need. Judging by your words, you already made up your mind about the situation and the only question left is how to say it. It might turn out bad anyways and sometimes there isn’t a nice way to do it. But it’s really difficult to give advice without knowing any of you.
Anyways, it’s not your obligation to be the welfare system for another person. If that’s all what keeps you there… Minimize the damage and take the appropriate time to sort things out.
It’s also not okay that you don’t know if your partner is with you because of you, or because you provide a comfortable life. You should know that in a working relationship.
Edit: If you have the capacity to answer questions: How does couples therapy work? Does it help? Do they provide you with tools to handle things that aren’t obvious? Anything of substance? Do things get “fixed” in therapy sessions?
It helps to a degree. It got us talking a lot more and somewhat vulnerable - something we have troubles with because of our upbringings. But it’s little more than small insights, I think. I don’t know if anything has gotten “fixed”, really. And to be honest, it’s likely due to my difficulties being guilty/responsible/things that I shouldn’t be, so I keep my head down and words to myself. But yeah, it’s just a real bungled up mess. Still, thanks for the reply. The validation helps
Thank you. I appreciate your answer. I can relate to that. At some times I’ve asked myself if going to couples therapy was beneficial to me. But I’m in a different situation and we eventually managed to find enough love and determinism on both sides to pull through, read up on the different love languages and get close to the roots of some communication issues.
What you have sounds more like codependency and that’s not healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not qualified to judge you, neither do I have enough information to make that statement. But other comments here come down to the same thing. You don’t work well together. It’s weighing you down. And maybe it’s also weighing down your (current) partner. We cannot know how things turn out in the future. But my belief is that sometimes people need to face reality. Sometimes people even have to reach the bottom, get shaken up a bit in the process to wake up and ultimately get better. If it’s codependency, I don’t see another alternative. Anyways. Keep in mind that you’re not alone. It might feel that way and you are the one faced with the problem. But break-up and divorce is a fairly common thing. It sucks but you’re not alone with that. Money and belongings can be sorted out. Opportunities will arise if you’re really forced to look for them. I’m positive it’ll turn out okay in the end, as it has for lots of other people. If you’re struggling to get going with the process, take the time to think it through, set yourself a realistic goal including a schedule and then start working on it. If any of you have friends or family, maybe have them support you, so you’re not alone in the process. It’s just for a limited time.