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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/quietpurplebear on 2024-01-24 16:32:19+00:00.

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So my husband [m45] and I [f30] had already argued a number of times yesterday.

After the kids were in bed I got on with house jobs. He did the same but on another floor of the house. By 11pm I decided it was time to chill out for 20-30mins before bed.

I felt guilty for not really interacting much so I went and offered to spend some relaxed time together.

He said “ok” and went back to his job. Now this sometimes means “yes” and sometimes just “I heard you”. I’ve played this game before - if I ask for clarification I’m pressuring him, if I go and patiently wait for him I’ll be sitting there for 10+ minutes, if I wait but do something he’ll say “I thought you wanted to do something together!”.

It’s like every option is an opportunity to argue. I’m exhausted.

So I go upstairs and play my video game (it’s something that can be stopped and put down within a minute or so). Sure enough he comes up 10 minutes later, goes and pours himself a beer and checks his phone.

When I see him actually coming over I go to pause and save but I’m in a loading screen so I have to wait ~10 seconds.

Anyway that’s enough time for him to sit down and shoot me a look of “why aren’t you paying me attention?”.

So I say I’m stopping and I explain it’s not instant because of the loading screen.

He looks at me “confused” and says he doesn’t understand.

He also plays a game (Mario kart) a lot so I compare it to trying to pause before a race starts (you have to wait for the countdown “3…2…1…go!” Before the system allows you to pause).

He says “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

I remind him he often needs to pause because he’s realized he needs to change the settings but has to wait until the countdown is done.

He says “what countdown?”

I explain the concept again.

He says “I never saw any numbers”. He repeated this sentence over and over again after this, no matter what evidence I brought out.

He got so fixated on these “numbers” that the point was totally lost. I couldn’t bring the conversation back around to just the concept of needing 10 seconds to pause and save.

Look, if he said “oh yeah, I forgot there are numbers on the screen, I remember now” all would be fine - memory lapses happen - the conversation could move on. The insistence that he NEVER saw the numbers which was so weird…it was lying…so yes, I called him a liar.

Big mistake.

He’s furious now, storms off saying"I’m not going to sit here and take this bullshit!"

I was confused and exhausted so I went to bed.

This morning he stands in front of me and says “so you’re not going to apologize to me?” I don’t say anything and he starts muttering about how I won’t even talk to him now.

I ask him to explain what he’s upset about. He goes on about how I called him a liar.

Again I stare at him, I’m speechless.

He starts…smiling? Like a nervous grin…like he’s been caught in his lie and he can’t keep up the face anymore. Then he suddenly snaps back into serious/angry and dives into last night’s argument all over again.

Eventually he storms off again when he realizes I’m not going to apologize or pretend that he’s telling the truth.

It’s gaslighting, right? But why? What does he have to gain from it…it’s exhausting.

How do I fix this?

Short term I’ll just lie I guess and agree with him and apologize. Long term…I’m getting tired of this.

TL;DR: I think I’m being gaslit, I don’t understand why or what to do about it.