It really should be:

Iowa

A place to stay

Has anyone else seen The Coffee Table (2022)?

Oh! I know this one! I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist. This is the part where the drunk rants for hours about how unfair the world is and how they’re the real victim.

You’re not special. You sound exactly like every other “functional” alcoholic right before they end up on the news for killing a mother of two, with a sad faced mugshot, lip poked out like they’re the one who got hurt.

But hey, what would I know? I’m just a funeral director. It’s not like I have to deal with the aftermath of people like you, right?

And you’re right—it’s totally unfair to expect you not to drive your drunk ass home. It’s not like you could drink at home, or get a ride, or call an Uber, no! You have to drink and drive. Anything else would be unreasonable.

I’ve also seen theories about the effects of untreated PTSD on the children of WWII vets.

I don’t know, it’s probably just me being the least fun at parties, but I was pretty shocked that people thought The Purge concept seemed fun/exciting. it would get unfathomably dark when you think about what kind of monsters are out there. Is someone going to go make sure someone doesn’t kill every kitten in the animal shelter? Not to mention crimes against children. Most of those cases are people in the same household. Are you going to go out with a gun to make sure Father Bad-Touch doesn’t go crazy in the orphanage once a year?

I haven’t watched the movies, so I don’t know if they address that or not. I’m guessing not, because who would want to watch that?

There will be some extremely brittle but recognizable bone fragments. Crematories put the ashes through a pulverizer that turns them into a fine white powder. I can’t imagine there’s a lot though. And it would be a nightmare to… Scoop up?

I’m sitting here wondering if the still, legally, need to go through a funeral home, or if the medical examiner just hands them a box and says “you guys are good”.

I was working in the crematory, and accidentally cut myself. I was rushing to get some ashes transferred to another urn, because the family was waiting up front. Jabbed myself in the thumb with the wire cutters that we use to get the zip ties off of the bags that hold the ashes inside the urn. Cleaned it up and put a Band-Aid on it. Few days later it still hurt like crazy. I saw when I looked at it that there is a little bit of pus coming out. I squeezed it a little and a little short of bone popped out. Felt a lot better once it fell out!

As an embalmer, I will be cremated. If people knew what we do to them when we embalm, fewer people would choose it.

In funeral director circles, the topic of embalming your loved ones comes up a lot. Some people want to, so they know they get the best care. Some people, like me, would rather ask an embalmer they trust to do it.

As far as embalming certification, it varies by state. Colorado is notorious for embalming not requiring licensure. Minnesota requires a 4 year degree. So it’s hard to say if he was official or not.

I once walked around for two days with a piece of someone else’s bone stuck in my thumb.

That Aged Great (YouTube channel) does a two part video on that one. It’s fantastic.

That water torture scene made me a little bit gay

The homophobe was coming right for us. I feared for my life. It was self defense.

Narcissists always see themselves as the hero or the victim. Either way, you’re wrong for suggesting they change a god damned thing about themselves.

Sometimes I put Bob’s Burgers on the TV for them

I’m an on call mortician. I spend a lot of time walking around funeral homes at night in the dark. I heard shit moving around and weird crashing noises all the time. I fuckin ignore that shit. Oh, what? The demon wants attention again, so I have to take my earbuds out? Nah. Not tonight Satan. I’m really into this audio book.

I’m a mortician and all we have been talking about is how shit of a job they did. We call those pancake hands because they’re flat. They’re also hovering, which is why they look so unnatural. They didn’t use any dye, which is why he’s that horrible color. It’s called formaldehyde gray. I guess maybe dye is left out for some religious reason? But there is absolutely no excuse for those hands.

We all assume it was done by some old guy who only does embalmings once every 10 years, or however often a Pope is dying.

1998, where if you had home made desserts instead of Oreos, Pop tarts and lunchables, people assumed you were poor!

You could get one from KFC, but it was a GigaPet or something.