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Cake day: June 15th, 2023

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  • In the early 2010s, Cape Girardeau, MO was chosen as a location for some of the filming of Gone Girl. I lived there and it was the talk of the town. People were running into Ben Affleck at the local Andy’s and shit.

    Meanwhile they put out a casting call for extras. I didn’t care about it but of course my girlfriend and her cousin went psycho about it and signed us up. We waited in line with at least a thousand other people only to finally get up there, and all they did was take a headshot and send us on our way. The girls were all disappointed that there wasn’t anything else to it while I the introvert just laughed about it.

    Until I was the one they called back. Not only that, but it turns out they picked me to be a stand-in for Boyd Holbrook. I spent a week hanging out on David Fincher’s set, occasionally doing work while trying to avoid getting in trouble for doing things like accidentally sitting in Rosamund Pike’s chair. Then one of the assistant directors’ mother died and he had to leave, so they “promoted” me to production assistant. At one point I was sent to look for and found David Fincher’s missing iPhone.

    Fucking surreal man. But I’ve got the 20th Century Fox W-2s to prove it.






  • This happened the year before I moved to the school, but at the beginning of the new school year I heard a lot of whispers about it and once saw a teacher shut down a conversation amongst a group of students about it.

    So only ever hearing this third hand, it went something like this: a group of jocks abducted one of their friends after school one day. They took him out to someone’s farm land blind folded, tied him up in a tree (or on a cross) and terrorized him by doing crazy shit like running a chainsaw close between his legs.

    The kid they did this too immediately became an outcast skater punk who played in the local metal band. I got to know him a little bit through my girlfriend at the time and he was really cool. I have no idea why they did that too him. I don’t know what, it any, punishment was handed down to the perpetrators. I know the school district wanted to expel them but it didn’t happen during school.

    It was common that year for kids from the neighboring town to drive by and yell stuff like “HEY LET’S GO CRUCIFY ONE OF OUR OWN PLAYERS!”

    I also got reprimanded by a teacher for joking about kidnapping a friend of mine in order to force him to pay back the various $5 he had borrowed from everyone in our friend group. It was 100% a joke of course but I didn’t realize what poor taste it was at the time.