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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-09-26 04:02:04+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Inspection_2557
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for Thinking My Boyfriend of Over a Year is Cheating On Me With My Older Sister?
Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks and changed letters to names for ease of readability
Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: golden child syndrome, manipulation, harassment, threats, controlling behaviors, emotional affair
Mood Spoilers: infuriating
Original Post: September 12, 2025
Using a random old account because this isn’t the stuff I usually post on my main, this whole thing spans over a few months so stay with me on this it is kinda long.
I (20f) and my boyfriend (29m), I will call him Ryan, have been together for about a year and a half now, and up until recently I always trusted him, maybe blindly and naively looking back on it. I started losing that trust a few months ago when an ex of his, I will call her Anna, found me on Instagram and dm’d me what was basically the dreaded “hey girlie” text.
I knew about Anna because they were pretty serious in college and he and his mom had both told me stories about her. I was told by Ryan that they ended their long term relationship because they wanted different things with life, he said she wanted to settle down and he wasn’t ready, I believed him but Anna told me that they actually broke up because after 4 years together and talking about marriage she found out he had been cheating on her almost the whole time with no remorse.
Apparently they had rekindled some time about a year before and Anna thought he had grown as a person so they were considering meeting up and possibly getting back together until he randomly ghosted her. She found my account through his and pieced together by our photos that I was the reason he ghosted her, she provided multiple screenshots and the timestamps are all during the same timeframe me and him started talking, he was talking to us both and entertaining us both up until the same day he asked me to make things official. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me sooner or if she had just found out but I never asked even now because I don’t know if I even want to know more. I thanked her and I did confront him with this almost immediately, he was honest but I think that was only because I had the proof right there in front of us.
He admitted that he was talking to both of us and another girl because he was single then and he had the right to, when I pointed out that I told him I wasn’t talking to anyone else very early on in our talking stage and he could have told me then, or better yet stopped talking to these other women if he thought we were so serious, he got very defensive and said that I was making this out to be something it wasn’t and said I was acting like he was a cheater.
The fact that he brought up cheating first is telling to me now even though I didn’t think of it in the moment. I know he did not technically cheat on me but it still feels disrespectful that he not only did it but didn’t even think to tell me throughout our whole relationship. This opened my eyes to some massive red flags that just seemed to keep popping up and eventually they were all I could see about him, I still love him despite how stupid that sounds, even now as I am typing this I still hope I am so very wrong even though I do not think I am, but I need other opinions because I feel crazy.
My sister (25f) who I will call Jane, just went through a nasty break up 3 months ago and had to move back home with my parents to get back on her feet, instead of hiring a moving company and wasting that money she just asked our brother(23m) to use his truck and have the family help her move. Of course we did but I felt like we needed some more help so I stupidly invited Ryan to come and help us.
Ryan had never met my sister before then but as soon as they started talking I felt like a 3rd wheel, they have more in common which I should have expected with them being closer in age than me and him. I ignored it at first and tried to convince myself I was glad they were getting along, but the way he looked at her when we left later that night and the way she said goodbye like there was more behind the words filled me with jealousy.
It wasn’t even a full week later that it started getting weirder, Ryan made a comment in the middle of a date night about how “mature” my sister is, which if you talked to this woman at all anyone can tell she is the opposite of mature so I know this was some type of dig because I have always been self-conscious of our age gap, I have even said the words “I wish I was more mature,” to him before. My mood was ruined after this because it made no sense to me why he was even thinking of Jane, and I was already upset and on edge so I tried to end our night early, but he was following me around his apartment and yelling at me that I was acting insecure and didn’t trust him. I let it slip that I hadn’t trusted him for awhile and he asked me what the point of our relationship was if I can not trust him, and after some back and forth of me saying he needed to work to regain my trust and him saying I was blaming him for stuff he can’t change, I ended up leaving because he would not stop and I wanted to sleep.
I went to my parents’ place because they were closer and it was late already so I crashed there, my mom of course was curious why and I broke down and explained everything to her, minus the Jane details because I knew she would be listening (and she was), I was a crying mess by the end but my mom said she thought I was being paranoid and jumping to conclusions based on his past. I called Ryan and to his credit he did pick up quickly, I told him I was sorry but now I feel like a pushover because looking back on it I was not the one who needed to apologize. Jane even came down and comforted me herself, which is rare because she usually only cares for herself, I should have seen this as a sign but I was too caught up on thinking my sister finally cared about me.
For awhile everything was “okay” after, when I got back to his place he apologized for yelling and said he hated seeing me leave and even asked me to move in with him, I hadn’t decided yet but I was stupidly considering saying yes. Everything felt too good to be true and I was tired of feeling crazy so I just started trying to accept that I may have paranoia issues when everything was basically confirmed for me.
In the middle of the night like a month and a half after Jane moved back, almost 4 in the morning, Ryan was on the phone with her. I caught him in his living room basically whispering into his phone, I was already suspicious and angry before I even knew who it was and asked him instead of doing the smart thing and listening in to whatever they were talking about, because I still do not know what their late night conversations were about. He didn’t even try and hide it, he admitted to me that he and Jane had been talking for weeks and were becoming close friends, he said he didn’t tell me because he “knew how I would react.” and that he was worried I would “think the worst”. Hearing him say that felt so demeaning because it told me he knew how I would feel and what it would look, but did it anyway.
I was too angry to even have a conversation with him so I locked myself in the bedroom until it was light out, ignoring him and Jane who spammed my phone with explanations. As soon as I could I left his apartment with as much of my stuff as I could carry. I vented to my mom about this on the phone just to find out that it was my own mother who gave Ryan’s phone number to my sister that night I crashed at their house, because she apparently “wanted to get to know him better.”
My mom keeps saying that she is being a good sister and looking out for me by making sure he is good enough, but I do not believe it, the timing is too weird. She finds out my boyfriend has a history of cheating and that’s when she wants his number? If she truly was just trying to make sure he was good for me she would not have felt the need to go behind my back to get Ryan’s number, and would she not have done that in the beginning? And she did not do that with either of my previous relationships.
For some context about how my mom acts towards Jane, my sister has always been spoiled rotten, she is my parent’s favorite and didn’t hear the word no from them if they could help it. In my parents’ eyes, my mom’s especially, she can do no wrong. Even though Jane is one of the rudest people I know my mom still sees her as her baby. My mom keeps trying to get me to accept that she is just going through a hard time and needs a good friend like Ryan who takes care of her, but that just makes me more livid because why should my boyfriend be responsible for the heavy lifting of my sister’s life. She is a grown adult who could go to therapy for her problems, she shouldn’t need to call my boyfriend about them in the middle of the night.
Last week was my final straw, I found out through my brother that Ryan and Jane have been regularly meeting up at bars for weeks now, even after the big fig…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1nqrjqb/aitah_for_thinking_my_boyfriend_of_over_a_year_is/
OOP: I am sure they were told some other story but I did tell them my side of the story when I said I would go nc with them too if they pushed the idea and I have not heard from them so I don’t know what side they’re taking if either. My sister as always been a master of twisting ppl words so I am honestly trying to talk as little about it with anyone other than my brother and reddit.
Commenter 1: What you do now will affect your family for years. I honestly recommend you at least message each family member individually or as a group, reiterating what happened and asking them how they would react. Repeat your nc threat and then see what people say. If they have any insight then they’re hopefully already questioning what they’ve been told. But you are on a hill I would die on.
OOP: Me and my brother texted the extended family my mom and Jane brought into this about the situation and they were told a watered down bs story and when they told me to reconsider it was because Jane had told them I was assuming what happend and wouldn’t let her explain. I don’t think my mom had anything to do with coming up with the lie but she definitely let them believe it. Now there is a giant back and forth going on that I am doing my best to stay out of for my own sake, but my brother is making sure my feelings get heard and that my sister can’t lie more.
Commenter 2: About the only thing I can add to what others have said is the observation you don’t mention your father. Is he alive? If so, from your silence I would guess that he is either staying out of this, or that he enables your mother & sister on a routine basis.
OOP: My dad has always been on a short leash for my mom, I have never been close with my dad and then I moved out practically on my 18th birthday bc that is what he wanted so it’s a strained relationship. He hasn’t said anything but I am not surprised with that bc we never really talk past birthday texts and holidays. I am sure he is on their side whether he thinks what they did was right or not bc he’s worse at standing up for himself than I am.
Update #2: September 18, 2025 (two days later)
AITAH for Thinking My Boyfriend of Over a Year is Cheating On Me With My Older Sister? UPDATE
I am gonna update this even though it is kinda anticlimactic, my brother was able to get my things from Ryan pretty easily but he did try to keep my key by saying he didnt know where it was (it has been in the same place since I started staying over) but he got it from him after some threats. That confirmed to me that I was right to be scared he would do something if I was alone. He tried to get my brother to pass on another apology that was basically the exact same bullshit he has said every other time so nothing new there and me and my brother finally had a good laugh at how dense he is and we really needed that.
My mom and Jane are both blocked, Ryan is not yet because I am still worried I will need to go to the cops with the texts he has sent after I told him to stay away. I explained this in a comment on my first update but I wanna say it here too, the extended family that tried to get me to talk to Jane were lied to. Jane told them I was assuming and wouldn’t let her explain herself, but me and my brother made sure they knew the truth and now everything has blown up, they are not directly defending me but I don’t expect them to I am just happy they know the truth.
Jane texted my brother to tell me her and Ryan have not talked since then and she deleted his number to get me back in her life but if that is true I think it is more because everyone except my parents see her for who she is now. Also that should have already happened if nothing was going on between them, they stayed in contact the whole week I was trying to figure out if I was crazy and that alone is disrespectful.
My brother agreed to help me snoop for more evidence at some point when we are ready but we are both going to be taking a giant step back from this whole thing for now because I do not want my brother to be suffocated with them trying to contact me through him. We are gonna ignore it all weekend as if it is not happening and just do stuff that makes us happy since it is clear we are all we’ve got. If there is more to add to this I will come back to this account and add it but as of now I have nothing more.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: If I may ask, what things are Ryan saying that you might need to get cops involved? I’m assuming the generic “ur mine even if you don’t consent” “ur not leaving/breaking up with me” and violent threats? I only ask cause that Info is just a bit out of the blue. I mean him lying about the key says all we needed to know.
OOP: I don’t think he has crossed any lines that make me want to go to the cops yet I am just keeping that option there bc I read it in a few comments warning me to do this bc of the situation. I don’t know the full extent of his texts bc I have not actually opened his contact since I silenced it just for my own mental health, but when I open the messages app I can still see some of whatever the most recent thing he sent is and it got more agressive and went from starting like can we talk, can we meet, I want to see you, to stuff like this can’t happen this way, this can’t end this way, and I need you over and over since my brother got my stuff which really creeps me out. Also just the fact that he kept texting me after I told him not to is unsettling.
Commenter 1: Yeah that’s unfortunate I’m sorry. It makes sense tho, he got to have his cake and eat it too and now that he can’t he’s panicking.
I can’t imagine why for the life of me your sister would blow up your relationship this way, even worse that your ex chose your sister of all people to cheat with. But I totally understand ex’s and shitty excuses.
My first ex cheated on me with his ex. He hooked up with her the day before he asked us to be official and his exact words were “I wanted to get the hoe out before getting serious”. Then continued to mess around with her the entirety of our relationship. The best part? He texted me for YEARS after we broke up asking to still hook up or go out while he was actively dating other women. Some men are truly scum.
OOP: My sister has always been a very selfish person but I never would have thought this would happen. The sad thing is that now because of them I am going to be wondering is he cheating or would he cheat? with everyone. I am gonna need to take some time to find out how to love and trust again bc I can’t even see how I am ever gonna be okay trusting someone like that ever again.
Commenter 2: Good update. I’m glad you’re thinking about your brother, I asked you to do that in a comment on your last update.
I think you’re wise not to block Ryan in case you need evidence of anything in the future.
Jane assuring you her and Ryan haven’t been speaking and she’s deleted his number is bollocks. You can’t trust she’s telling the truth. Even if it’s true, it’s too little too late. Tokenistic actions can’t undo her calculated and sustained betrayal.
Why don’t you expect your wider family to directly defend you now that they know the truth? They were quick enough to directly defend Jane. Poor show on their part.
No mention of your treacherous mum. Has she been silent? Kinds says it all.
OOP: I didn’t expect them to defend me bc it has always been just Jane for them, she was the golden kid and the first grandbaby on both sides. They treat my brother this way too so I just wasn’t surprised. It seems like they were more mad at her for lying than doing what she did. My mom has been more quiet on it but me and my brother have also been completely ignoring them and playing our favorite video games together so if she has said something new we have not seen it and will not see it until at least monday.
Commenter 3: Your brother is amazing!!! Don’t talk to your sister, ex or mom anymore… they knew what they were doing and there’s NO excuse. That’s it, it’s done. If you need to get a restraining order if you feel unsafe… Then so be it… you have a solution. Work towards it. You don’t need the drama in your life still when you already were just traumatized
Commenter 4: Your sister is a backstabbing cow. How could she meet up with your boyfriend and start an almost physical affair. She’s insecure and jealous of you. Your boyfriend apologising now but he should have thought about that before getting involved with her. And your mother is awful. They add no value to your life so definitely cut them off. Your brother is great. Hope you are able to move on at some point and start living life again. You’re young so you’ll be fine. Onwards and upwards.
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