Hmm, both? Punishing myself have me some form of satisfaction because of how much I hated myself. But I started to get in really good shape which fed into more self loathing. I thought I was fundamentally broken and being ripped but still ‘worthless’ just proved to me how broken I was.

This was all more than a decade ago. I got diagnosed bipolar and medicated a couple after that episode and that was a massive game changer. I don’t have those thoughts or feelings at all anymore