(First time posting here, hi you cuties ^^/)
For context, I am 18 MtF but don’t have any medication yet because of the local healthcare system. To add to that, while I am in therapy, I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about this because I will need a confirmation from him that says that I can have HRT to actually get HRT. This puts me into this weird place where I very much should talk to my therapist about it but also shouldn’t because it might hinder me from getting hormones (I hate this system). Of course, I don’t want to replace my therapist with you, I just want some of your thoughts and experiences with this.
Long story short, pretty much everyone I’ve ever heard talk about this has always said that there is a difference between attraction and gender envy. The only issue is, this line doesn’t really exist for me.
If I think someone is cute, I can never really differentiate between the feeling of “I wish I was this cute” or “I wish they would hug me / I could hug them”. What makes all of this even more complicated is that I am very much unsure about my sexuality. Since the thought of sexual interactions actually kinda disgust me, I guess I’m ace? But then again, I also kinda feel an attraction to more feminine presenting people? Yet I am also open for any other, or no gender at all? And more importantly, is this feeling of wanting to be someone I think is cute just from me hating myself? Does that mean that I’m not trans? And why are other trans people saying that there is a difference?
Does anyone of you also struggle to find this line between attraction and gender envy? If yes, what does this feel for you? And if no, what are your thoughts on this?
PS.: You shouldn’t feel the need to validate me. The last thing I want is to be stuck in some sort of echo-chamber. If what you read, makes you think I’m not trans then please please please tell me so.
I completely understand looking for any straws to get clarity, but I don’t think you should ever believe anybody who tells you something about that. Only you know what you want!
I am trans and lesbian (although I just learned about the term “sapphic” and that’s kinda neat), and I can relate to the difference being hard to tell. I just know that when I figured myself out more (and started hrt), this difference became much clearer.
A friend of mine recently told me about how she as a (formerly repressing) trans person got used to pushing feelings away, that she has to re-learn figuring out what she feels. While I don’t know if I can relate 100% to her, being trans can be super difficult emotionally. Maybe take breaks and allow yourself to postpone decisions you don’t need to be sure of today.
Oh and also talking for the first time to a therapist was like super stressful for me, but it became really nice in 3 nanoseconds after I finally had the courage. I don’t have any hints how to make that easier.
Good luck, wishing you all the best!
Yea, I believe so too, which is exactly why I’m asking this. I want to get as many perspectives from people to compare with my own feelings.
I sadly don’t feel like I’m able to take breaks because some appointments are connected to other psychological stuff that I NEED to deal with as soon as possible. But generally speaking, you’re right… Transitioning isn’t a sprint.