As I’ve gained more and more close friends, more than I’ve ever had in my life, and some closer than I’ve ever had in my life, I’ve come to realize something recently. Despite the prevailing feeling like I want a relationship, I don’t actually know why it is I want one, nor what I have to gain from one.
Many of my friends nowadays are in fact either people who have rejected me romantically, or are exs that things just didn’t work out with but we found we made better friends. And that’s been the case with getting rejected too. I just end up enjoying the friendship so much, and getting so much out of it, that I just start to wonder why I ever wanted anything more than that. And what even is more than that?
Maybe everybody else has already realized this by my age, and my sheltered religious upbringing has just held me back a few years again, but I’ve started seriously considering, with every new crush, if they’d actually be any better for me as a partner instead of just a friend, and I’ve found that the answer, thus far, has always been no.
I guess the only thing that still has me wondering is, well, what does a romantic relationship offer that friendship doesn’t? My friends already love me, and tell me all the time. They already care for me in ways I used to think only a partner would, and I do my best to care for them too. I still desire a romantic relationship for some reason, but I just can’t see what there is to gain anymore.
This may or may not be the case, as people’s experiences rarely map neatly on top of each other, but usually when I perceive others as being too cool to associate with “the peasants”, it’s usually more of an insecurity on my side than an aura of elitism from the person in question. In my mind, the thought is “they’re too cool to hang out with me”, not “they think they’re hot shit”.
I think it’s a bit of both in my case. I have a lot of popular friends, and that happens to turn a lot of heads my way and make some people insecure around me, but I also act unintentionally rude quite often, which I’ve been making an effort to fix, and I’ve been told by some people that it does make me look stuck up until people get to know me and realize I’m not rude, just very autistic.