I had a dream that I planted the most delicious fruit(some kind of spikey lychee) but it got so big I couldn’t reach high enough to harvest it. I felt an immense amount of guilt. The lack of control over my responsibility. Fruitflies galore from unmanaged fruit. Being punished for it somehow because my family punished me over nonsensical things, simply for the joy of of abusing and controlling me. To the point I was trained to automatically control myself without them needing to punish me anymore.
I had to keep the entire house so neat and tidy that it made me want to scream everyday. Or else punishment for not being a good servant. I wasn’t allowed hobbies, and if they let me do anything I liked, it was to keep me more on edge because they would go “see you can’t handle this. Now we’re taking it away forever. You will never be allowed again. Also you’re being punished for not keeping a picture perfect job at this thing we gave you the PRIVILEGE of doing!”
I think this is about my need to escape my old programming. I love the idea of planting fruit trees. However I can’t get over fear of lack of control over how big and fruitful they may get. I would like to stop feeling guilty. I love plants and homegrown food and I’d like to let go of control over how big plants can get. And let go of the possibility of some excess rotting food. Just let it happen, you know?
You might try planting a pollinator garden. It’s a chaotic system which teaches you new aesthetic values while supporting an entire ecosystem. You get to grow a beautiful mess that only becomes more disorganised with time, but that disorder means more calories and habitat and trophic layers. Doing alternative landscaping has really radicalised me against that kind of suburban obsession with control/productivity/perfection. If I plant a sunflower instead of a rose and that sunflower falls over, that’s what they do. Now it’s a house and food source for an entire community I get to learn about, without a single seed going to waste because that plant isn’t an object for my sole benefit.