That’s it. Can’t elaborate.
No one’s looking at this post so I’ll vent about unrelated stuff
I’m seriously done with life. I give up entirely. The longer I live the more I need to constantly run and never hide from the puzzle piece. I will perpetually fight to be human in a society that only views me as a puppet controlled by that stupid puzzle piece. All while undoing the damage caused by all the abuse I’ve endured.
I am completely alone. Everyone else is human, and I’m some other, some gross monster. I should have been born a dog or a dead baby. I was even told by that family’s mother to stop acting like I’m more than autism. I don’t fucking have that stupid shit but I should be reduced to it? That shit is cancer, except on everyone’s perception of you. You’re either human or that shit, never both.
Nothing will ever change regardless of how much I try. Everyone thinks I should take pride in something I don’t fucking have. Everyone thinks I should victimize myself with experiences that aren’t mine. I will always be wrong, and if everyone agrees that I’m wrong then I’m wrong. Everyone agreed that Donald Trump would make a good president again and that’s why he won.
I refuse to live as a puppet, and a permanent victim of things I’ve never experienced. I refuse to live. I’m killing myself after resigning from work, and hopefully before black friday where everyone is outside.
At this point I’m ready to die now. I would have waited a bit and spent time doing things partially enjoy before I end it but I’m heading out now. I’ll just disappear and whoever actually cared about me 🤣 could ask if they even notice, then forget and live their actual lives without some idiot scumbag burden in it.
If you live in the US please call 988
That woman should have never had kids.
I should have killed myself at 7 when I planned on stabbing myself in front of an oncoming train. I was right that nothing would change, I’d be stuck forever. There should be free euthanasia for specific diagnoses. I should have qualified even though it was a mistake. So many people were completely destroyed by the same facility. Literally dying is much better than living through that. Apparently if I drink a whole bottle of acetaminophen I could get liver damage so I’ll probably do that at the train station and either be crushed by an express train or die before it.
I really don’t want to resign but I also don’t want my work friends to worry about why I’m gone. If I could just say I found a higher paying job and just die peacefully. I’m done with life.
With the current state of everything now, I wouldn’t be missing out on anything. Everyone’s a weed addict with attention spans of baby goldfish. Going anywhere in public puts me at risk of being pranked and filmed without my consent. Nothing matters and no one would be affected. I bet once the remains on the train tracks are identified as me, everyone will cheer.
Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing worth trying to do because the things I want are either impossible IRL or boring. For example, people tell me to travel but I don’t see the point of that. No matter where I go, there will only be people. People who speak a different language, but that’s just annoying. There aren’t cyborgs, or aliens, or elves, or wizards, or anything interesting out there in the world.
Work often feels like that too. I’m lucky enough that I get to do something I find intellectually stimulating, but sometimes I look back and realize that I spent the last five years writing a computer program that estimates ligand binding affinities a little more efficiently than the previous state of the art. Ligand binding affinities are important, but I’d rather be questing for the Holy Grail…
(And then there’s porn. It can’t replace a relationship but it does make me less inclined to volunteer for the miserable experience of being an uncharismatic introvert and trying to meet someone.)
I think this is a problem for me mostly when I am alone. I do value the real happiness I feel when I’m with my friends and relatives.
Dissociation is a trauma response. I fight with it constantly myself, because of cPTSD. Finding out what the root cause was helped me see that that’s what’s happening, but I still fight constantly.
Of course this is just me, but it’s also a thought for you to consider. Therapy helped me greatly.
That might need seeing to.
