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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-18 05:01:05+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Impressive-Series117

Originally posted to r/AITAH

How can someone who isn’t invited to a wedding be considered responsible for giving a gift?

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

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Original Post: November 11, 2024

I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to approach this situation. I’ll change the names of those involved.

I have a group of friends, though not all of them are truly close to me. Most of them are more friends by association, but we all go out together and have a good time. I do consider Mady and Jessy to be real friends. For Mady’s birthday, I got her a cake. Jessy had a small civil wedding, and Mady offered to bring wine for the celebration at her place, while I offered to bring a cake.

There’s a girl in the group named Carly, and my relationship with her is neither friendly nor unfriendly. She’s always shown some apathy towards me, and I know she doesn’t really like me. I don’t dislike her, but I get the sense we wouldn’t be friends since we have different perspectives.

During the celebration, Carly commented that she liked the cake, and Jessy mentioned that I had brought it. Carly said it was good but that it tasted “a bit dry.” Everyone exchanged looks and changed the subject, but Carly kept talking about the cake. I didn’t say anything about it.

Carly had been planning her wedding before Jessy got married. She used to invite Mady, Jessy, and other girls to discuss prices and ask for opinions on things, but she never asked me for my help or advice. I had assumed I wasn’t going to be invited. Everyone else got an invitation, and I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t receive one. Jessy wanted to talk to Carly about it, but I asked her not to, as I didn’t want a pity invitation and understood that Carly wouldn’t invite me because we’re not “friends.” Jessy told me she wouldn’t attend if it would make me feel bad, but I told her not to worry about it.

Then, Carly messaged me on WhatsApp to ask about cake designs and filling options. I thought she already had that figured out since her wedding was coming up and she’d been planning it for a while. I sent her the catalog, and she commented on a few options she liked. She asked if I did the setup, to which I replied yes, and sent her some example photos. She only reacted to the photos with a thumbs-up, and we didn’t talk any further. She didn’t ask for a quote or schedule a consultation, so I assumed she wasn’t interested in my service. This was over a month ago.

Today, we went out to eat, and everyone was talking about the wedding. Her fiancé asked who I’d be bringing (I’m single), so I told him I wouldn’t be attending. He asked why, and to keep the mood light and avoid drama, I mentioned I’d be traveling to visit my parents. He understood, but Carly asked me when I was leaving. I told her I’d be leaving on Wednesday, and she said, “The wedding’s on Saturday; how are you going to set up the cake and desserts?” I asked which cake she was referring to, and she replied, “The one you’re bringing to my wedding.” I told her we didn’t have anything scheduled, and she insisted she had our messages. I clarified that I had only given her options and setup photos, and since she didn’t follow up, I assumed she wasn’t interested.

Her fiancé asked if anything could be done about it. I explained that the bakery requires a contract and a deposit.

Mady asked if Carly had paid a deposit or requested a contract.

Carly replied, asking why she would need to, since it was my wedding gift to her and that I should make sure she had her cake for Saturday.

I explained that I don’t handle the bakery’s schedule and that, with the wedding so close, they wouldn’t accept a new order. Carly seemed upset and looked very uncomfortable. I asked for my bill, paid, and said goodbye, saying I needed to go.

I really don’t want to lose my friendship with the group since I’m not from this city and I’ve felt comfortable with them. I don’t want this to create tension, but I also don’t know how to handle conflicts. I know it’s a bit sad that I can’t stand up for myself and would rather avoid confrontation.

Mady told me that after I left, Carly said it wasn’t fair for me to back out after agreeing, and some people in the group hinted that maybe I didn’t want to go to the wedding because I didn’t want to give her the cake. Jessy said I wasn’t invited, and Carly replied that she had invited me.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It’s not okay for her to expect a gift, especially a big cake, from someone she didn’t even invite to her wedding. You were right to tell her you hadn’t agreed to make the cake. It makes sense that you wouldn’t want to give something so big to someone who doesn’t seem to like you very much.

OOP: And especially for me to give her that gift when we don’t even have a relationship.

Commenter 2: It sounds like Carly is trying to control the narrative do it might be best to explain things to your group—including copies of your correspondence. Otherwise you might lose a few friends who are listening to Carly. Maybe even let her fiancé know.

OOP: Yes, they are really more friends. I’ve been dealing with them for 2 years, and they are high school friends.

 

Update: November 11, 2024 (same day, 16 hours later)

I read a comment that this is how updates are done here. I hope those who gave me advice and asked for an update can see this.

To those who asked why I didn’t stand up for myself and let things get so out of hand, as I mentioned before, I don’t like confronting people. I get nervous, feel like I can’t breathe; when I had presentations in school, I used to throw up before and after each one. Sometimes, I’ve even kept items I didn’t order or didn’t want just because I was too embarrassed to exchange them. I’ve been in therapy, and thanks to that, I’m now able to work as a cashier in a bakery; I don’t think I could have done that before. I’ve come a long way, but I still get nervous speaking in public. I have a younger sister, and she used to go everywhere with me. I’d give her the money, and she would pay because just talking to the cashier would leave me breathless. I know people often feel sorry for those who seem weak, and I don’t want to be seen that way or treated condescendingly.

Someone sent me a private message asking our ages:

• I’m 21

• Mady is 30

• Carly is 30

• Anna is 31

• Carly’s fiancé is 31

• Jessy is 30

I hope that helps clarify a bit more. Now, here’s what happened next:

Someone suggested what I could say to Carly, and I sent it to her. She replied saying she thought I wouldn’t mind and that I owed her a gift anyway, and she’d chosen the cake as her gift.

I replied that only guests are responsible for giving gifts. She asked what I meant, and I clarified that she hadn’t invited me to the wedding. She left me on read.

I messaged her fiancé something like: “I don’t want to cause drama or any misunderstandings, but I didn’t commit to giving her the wedding cake.” I sent him screenshots of our conversation, and he called me right away.

He apologized and said he thought it was odd when Carly told him I had offered to give her the cake. I mentioned it seemed even stranger to me since I wasn’t even invited. He asked if I was serious, and I told him yes, but that I wasn’t upset and understood if it was something private. He apologized again, and we ended the call.

Around noon, Carly messaged me saying I was making a fuss over nothing, as if I couldn’t just “give her the damn cake.” She didn’t understand why I was being so sensitive, saying I’d given Mady a cake and Jessy one as well, and asked me to explain why I couldn’t do the same for her.

I replied that Mady’s cake was a birthday cake and, although Jessy’s was for her wedding, it wasn’t a wedding cake.

Carly answered that it didn’t matter what the cake was for. I told her if that was the case, she could buy one from the supermarket. She started typing, but I blocked her before the message came through.

Then, Carly sent a message to the group with only the part where I told her to buy it at the supermarket, saying it was insulting and showed how little I valued her wedding, so no one could say she was the bad one.

I responded to the group with a suggestion someone gave me in a comment, which I adapted a bit: “Hey everyone. I want to clear up some confusion and rumors. I won’t be attending the wedding because I didn’t receive an invitation. I understood and made other plans for that time since the rest of you were invited. I’m not hurt or upset; it is what it is. The confusion about the cake is as baffling to me as it is to you. I only provided information on models and fillings from the place where I work, and that’s all. I don’t understand why it’s expected that I cover a cake for a wedding I’m not invited to. It’s true I suggested the supermarket, as she said the purpose of the cake didn’t matter.

I hope this clears everything up. I wish you all a wonderful time celebrating Carly and her fiancé. Congratulations in advance to the happy couple, and I hope those not involved don’t feel caught in the m…

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