I’m getting tired of being the household beast of burden. Last night I decided to try and make just ONE damned chore in the house equitable. I assigned one kid to empty the dishwasher, the other to fill it, and my husband to wash whatever large items wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher. We discussed it. He agreed it was fair. I HATE a dirty kitchen and can’t cook when it’s filthy and I’m tired of doing all the cleanup before slaving away at the stove and then repeating.
Spoiler: he did not wash the dishes. He played video games and then went to bed. I washed them this morning.
I was mildly annoyed (read this happens constantly so I’m used to it) and told him just now that since I washed those dishes, could he please put them away. He’s doing that now, but his response has me fucking fuming.
“Why wouldn’t you just wait until I washed them? Why did you HAVE to do the dishes just to make me feel bad about it?”
I was mildly annoyed before and now I’m just fucking furious. He has no idea why I would even consider that manipulative. I’m so mad right now I can’t even find the words to productively explain to him why that statement was so offside.
Help me, sisters. I can’t even find the words.
Agreed.
But I think the fury is coming from the accusation that she did the dishes just to make him feel bad. Like she’s looking for opportunities to bring him down. The insinuation that she’s betraying the relationship by attacking him.
That’s where the manipulation is.
It’s been 15 years of failed attempts to change her husband according to OP.
Imagine 15 years of someone setting goals for you, and you constantly failing, and them getting upset. It could be manipulation, but it could also just be panic. This situation gives me anxiety 😅
Like OP straight up tells her partner she hates being married to him…
It’s absolutely not like that at all. I said it ONCE, not repeatedly and it was recently. As in a very tired, exhausted “I love you but I hate being married to you” because I’m just so so so tired. I have been understanding, angry, goal oriented, blasé, I’ve been every way. All I want is for us to be partners and value each other and contribute toward our future together. I don’t have that.
If I kept screwing up for fifteen years, I’d figure out it’s easier to do the dishes than to feel like a shitty failure.
You’re right, he’s panicking and he’s feeling bad about his failures- so I’m just supposed to accept it so he can continue the same toxic behaviour? It’s not my responsibility to make sure he feels like his best every day. That’s up to him.
If he’s failing, it’s because he’s choosing to not make the effort, not because I sabotaged him.
You’re the one setting goals you know he won’t meet. 15 years… 15 years getting pissed/frustrated/etc at someone. 15 years of failure.
Anyways, I’m pretty sure you’re aware of this, say whatever you want to the people that don’t know better.
How about some humility? You straight up tell your husband you hate being married to him, and rather then see that as a problem on your part you’re here trying to justify it.
Like god damn, 15 years! 15 years of setting your partner up for failure.
Your partner isn’t allowed to say you make him feel guilty, but you straight up refer to him as a shitty failure? You’re allowed to tell him you hate being married to him? That’s messed up.
You must be joking. 15 years of a non-equal partnership and I’m the problem ? I’m not setting him up for failure. I’m expecting him to be an equal and contributing member of our partnership. Good luck with your future relationships if you think expecting someone to wash four pots as their only chore on a given day is a problem.
You know he’s not that person, so you are setting him up for failure, but whatever.
One is malicious in intent and one is expecting another adult to just be a fucking adult. This is a child’s opinion.
Oh yes… Spending 15 years failing to change someone is a very adult decision. Maybe year 16 is where he finally gets his shit together!
You’re being cruel, point blank. That’s a choice you’re choosing to make. Him being a lazy partner isn’t justification to be emotionally abusive. You know he’s not going to meet your standards. You have 15 years of evidence. You just seem unable to accept it.
It’s clear your partner has some form of executive disfunction. Do you enjoy treating him badly or something? Because why else would you do this? You’re not being honest. All you want to do is talk about how you deserve an equal partner, but the situation is bigger then that.
I hope someday your partner clues in and realizes they’ll never be able to make you happy, because you two have a toxic dynamic, something you seem unconcerned about.
–edit—
Do you hate him for not being the person you expected him to be? Is that why you think it’s okay to keep attacking his flaws?
I have an executive function disorder. I manage. I do not abuse him and I resent the accusation. You’re clearly a child or projecting your own shit onto my marriage but you’re way off base.