I’m honestly a little bit hesitant to ask this because don’t wanna seem like I’m stepping on toes.

So I’ve been doing some thinking stuff over the last few weeks/months and am starting to question shit.

I’ve always been cis male presenting and for the most part it’s all I’ve really known, but I’m not in the least bit masculine. Back in the early 00s, the term metro-sexual was a thing and I sort of identified with that but like, meh? Idk. Now that just feels chauvinistic for some reason.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my own gender identity and although I present as a male, I honestly don’t really care. I also have that autism(or is it just ND?) thing where I feel like a being or entity in a human suit basically. Like my inner self is controlling the body that people see me as, which is, of course male presenting.

I’ve been looking a bit into agender and demigender and hit some of the checkboxes but not really all, but I also don’t really know another term for essentially “male body but don’t care”. A reddit search brought up “gender apathy” and that’s a kind of maybe I guess.

The only other conclusion is that I am just cis, but fully aware of it maybe? Like I have a way wider understanding of gender and even sexuality than I did a decade ago so maybe I’m just cis and just not toxic about it? I’m just “woke” maybe?

I guess call this a journal-post but def open for discussion. I’m just going through some heavy mental exploration. I’m not sure if there is even a question here. Just me being confused.

I guess a question could be: how do you know? How do you know where you land on the gender spectrum? Or am I just making a mountain out of a molehill?

  • Verenata@hexbear.netEnglish
    11·
    21 days ago

    My bf has a cool take on his relationship with gender and a lot of things you and another commenter said, my bf has also said.

    I mean i don’t think his experience answers your questions sorry but it had me thinking when he first mentioned it so maybe it’s food for thought?

    He’s always felt cis and knows he’s a man. But gender to him has always since he was very young being a social construct. (Ooo sorry we aren’t all so based as him lmao) But because he has always had that perspective on it, he describes a lot of similar things to yourself but for him he feels fine and comfortable as himself a cis bisexual dude.

    Like masculinity and being a man and gender to him are silly social rules, he knows he’s a man and his identity is based exclusively on knowing who he is. Confidence in himself first and his relationship to gender comes second? It’s hard to explain, like he won’t wear my rabbit back pack the coward because he thinks it’s cringe. Not because men can’t do it. Maybe not the best example. So his entire identity as a cis man is as he would describe it “a guy who doesn’t engage in gender in how it relates to me” because he is done with it.

    I asked about like non-binary since a few of our friends are or if he’d looked into that and he was like yeah but I’m not and i dont let a social construct define me hence I’m fine with being a cis guy and it was like wow you really just don’t fucking care or engage with it because you see it as stupid restrictive rules and that’s weirdly frank but hella based. At least to me.

    Just a cis person who isn’t toxic about it is a good way of describing my bf and probably how he’d put it.

    So yeah I dunno, I’d say definitely explore because everyone is different and every journey is personal and like two things can be totally similar but not the same so my bfs lens isn’t like the answer or anything.

    Edit: from my bf’s mouth cos I checked with him 💪 “it’s not an important facet of me engaging with people. For people who dont engage with gender as a social construct being labelled as anything means engaging with a social construct I don’t subscribe to but if people need to label me then yes I’m a cis man if that makes them happy.”

    Like it’s so unimportant to him it makes me swooooon 😍 waow-based but maybe that’s cos I’m clearly a bad slave to gender still lmao.

    • roux [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      3·
      21 days ago

      I mean i don’t think his experience answers your questions sorry but it had me thinking when he first mentioned it so maybe it’s food for thought?

      I weirdly have a curiosity about people in general and how they became who they are. Like I don’t like the idea of humans in general(maybe more of a philosophical talk for another day lol) but the individual human journey fascinates me. I want to know people’s stories but I always feel like it’s rude to ask.

      I feel a lot like your bf, but like my awakening was only in the past decade or so when I started to question, or even realize I don’t care. Like, for as long as I can remember I never really got why people got up in arms over gayness or transgenderism, I just understood that people thought it was bad enough to make it political. But my personal understanding of like masculinity only developed in the last 10 years or so. I knew for a long time that I don’t like doing most “guy stuff” but didn’t really get it I guess. I only recently started dressing less “manly” I suppose but my outfits of choice now are joggers and tagless t-shirts which could probably be considered androgynous or gender neutral? But I do it out of comfort and lack of caring so not sure.

      Your whole comment hits on the last part of my title: Maybe I’m just cis male but don’t care about any of it regarding my own personal identity.

      I asked about like non-binary since a few of our friends are or if he’d looked into that and he was like i dont let a social construct define me and it was like wow you really just don’t fucking care or engage with it because you see it as stupid restrictive rules and that’s weirdly frank but hella based. At least to me.

      No that’s hella based lol.

      I think I do care about others’ gender identities more than my own for sure though.

      • Verenata@hexbear.netEnglish
        3·
        21 days ago

        Could be? It’s wild how much our own individual experiences define it too.

        I mean I have asked my bf if him being white and cis and male maybe lends him proviledge to have the mental space to not care and be able to comfortably disengage. He does agree, i think it’s an interesting conversation. But that’s obviously just his specific circumstances, and its nuanced as he is bi so that is another lens and potential defining experience.

        For example his just looks like a white dude. Regardless of his identity his privilege as a white cis dude let’s him do what he likes for the most part. So therefore he doesn’t have to engage with gender because his cis white maleness and presentation shields him from any discrimination, oppression or bigotry that others face.

        Conversely for me I’ve faced the worst stuff by virtue of being/presenting as a woman. So for me the systemic oppression and sisterhood I’ve found within my gender identity (like I can be at it with another girl but if a dude says something sexist immediately there’s a team effort) become defining characteristics of my identity even though those silly things are a social construct in themselves. Like trauma can define others and my gender defines me by virtue of how I’ve suffered because of it. Currently. Gettjming better. That’s not based, that’s what I need to learn to understand and overcome. To disengage from gender and to do that I objectively have more baggage to overcome than my cis white male bf.

        It’s why terfs are so fucking stupid to me, like they should know what oppression under gender feels like, they should know how it can rot and ruin people and they pretend to talk a big game about feminism and then exclude other women and femmes when we all need to support each other. Scum.

        And like there’s also cis guys who get oppressed by gender too, aaaaaa genders a fuck. Like my bf is bi so he does suffer oppression still. Its all very complicated but I guess the point is it shouldn’t be?

        One day I shall like to be rid of it. Like gender it empowers me but shackles me too.

        You’ll figure it out, and whatever that is I’m sure it will be based but not as based as me muhahahahaha