I’m honestly a little bit hesitant to ask this because don’t wanna seem like I’m stepping on toes.
So I’ve been doing some thinking stuff over the last few weeks/months and am starting to question shit.
I’ve always been cis male presenting and for the most part it’s all I’ve really known, but I’m not in the least bit masculine. Back in the early 00s, the term metro-sexual was a thing and I sort of identified with that but like, meh? Idk. Now that just feels chauvinistic for some reason.
Recently I’ve been thinking about my own gender identity and although I present as a male, I honestly don’t really care. I also have that autism(or is it just ND?) thing where I feel like a being or entity in a human suit basically. Like my inner self is controlling the body that people see me as, which is, of course male presenting.
I’ve been looking a bit into agender and demigender and hit some of the checkboxes but not really all, but I also don’t really know another term for essentially “male body but don’t care”. A reddit search brought up “gender apathy” and that’s a kind of maybe I guess.
The only other conclusion is that I am just cis, but fully aware of it maybe? Like I have a way wider understanding of gender and even sexuality than I did a decade ago so maybe I’m just cis and just not toxic about it? I’m just “woke” maybe?
I guess call this a journal-post but def open for discussion. I’m just going through some heavy mental exploration. I’m not sure if there is even a question here. Just me being confused.
I guess a question could be: how do you know? How do you know where you land on the gender spectrum? Or am I just making a mountain out of a molehill?
I’ve always rankled at gender-as-a-box. Which, of course, is not what gender is in its totality, but it feels, in a lot of ways, like one of the earliest interactions a lot of people have with gender as a child.
Boys don’t do x, girls shouldn’t play with y. Wider culture has moved away from 'don’t’s and 'shouldn’t’s (though, many families still do), but even without hard barriers, ‘culture’ clearly still pushes boys and girls into certain boxes.
I’m uncertain if I’m trans or cis or agender or w/e label, much like you. I’m not deeply uncomfortable with my body (though, I don’t especially like it either), and while I support transhumanism stuff, I’m personally loathe to change my body (which, is largely tied to my mental illness tbh).
But, presontationally, I default to what could be described as either ‘metrosexual’ or outright ‘visibly queer’, just because I have a taste for the clothes I like the styles and colors and accessories, and gender norms be damned. But also also, it feels shitty to take gender-nonconforming-fashion directly into ‘trans’, it feels like I’d be appropriating a label. And, at work, I’m ‘normal masc presenting’ simply because A) I work as a tradesman, so its practical, and B) I do want that $, and to not get shit at work, even if that feels cowardly and inauthentic.
Saying that I’m ‘cis-ish’ also sometimes gets me labelled as an egg online, which while disrespectful, idk, might be right?
I’ve actually been thinking a lot about the gender-as-a-box thing, and more so after becoming a parent. We are actually raising our kid in as gender-neutral of an environment as we can. They are both boys but our oldest has 2 baby dolls and our youngest wanted one too so I went out and got him one. They have legos, blocks and ribbon dancers things too though. Our oldest likes to have his nails painted and we’ve talked to him a few times about it and told him that most people look at it as a “girl thing” but we don’t and that if he’s uncomfortable with it at school or whatever it’s ok if he doesn’t want to do it(kids can be vicious). But I’m going trough the same shit internally with my new job. I’m a bearded 41 year old male presenting person and so fucking badly want to paint mine since it’s been a few months due to interviews and such but I am a bit afraid of judgement at work.
It’s kind of interesting how invasive the gender-as-a-box thing really is.