As a kid, I learned to “pause” my true self. School was the pause, and my hobbies, dreams, and passions were the unpause—something I’d rush back to during lunch or after class.
Over time, the pauses got longer. Tiredness and responsibilities crept in, leaving little energy to unpause at the end of some days.
At work, sometimes the pressure and the demands were so relentless that I couldn’t unpause for weeks or months at a time.
Then came marriage, fatherhood, and the joy—and work—of raising a child.
I want my son to get to know the real me but I worry that by the time he is grown I won’t have any “self” to unpause to.
I dunno how long that’s been for you, but I got too injured while on the ROTP programme (that’s how poor kids go to school). And I was out with some non-transferrable skills (5.56 percussion, anyone? One-armed sign language?), surfing a couch and a little broken. This was early '90s.
You know what? You’re gonna second guess things for a long while, deciding things were or were not your fault. You’re gonna feel a little ‘flat’ about things for some time as well. That’s common and I remember it well. Like, the house could fall down around me and I was so dampered for adrenaline that I’d reeeeally not care but probably slowly cope with that too.
Save the manga. You’re maybe gonna like it again, along with other things too. Maybe, maybe not, but keep the options open.
Boot tears you down to pieces so they can build a soldier out of you, and getting dropped from a programme abruptly is super-jarring, but you have an opportunity to rebuild yourself as a pretty awesome human again. Decide who you are After Basic, take the good lessons and try to shed the OCD of boot and, um, Other Bad Shit, and see if you can build a You that is driven and goal-focused, but also invested in fluffy civvy stuff.
Then - in your own time - decide whats next with the help of your friends.