Just a clarification up front: you can totally have kids even post transition - not only are fertility treatments like freezing sperm an option (as you mentioned), but it’s not uncommon for people to stop HRT and become fertile again and be able to have kids the old fashioned way.

Unfortunately you’re in the same position as many other trans women. When your gender identity runs up against the incompatible sexual orientation of your spouse, there is rarely an ideal resolution to that situation.

Either you sacrifice unreasonably by not transitioning (horrible for you and your partner, basically not an option), or your partner sacrifices unreasonably by remaining in a marriage with someone they can no longer feel attraction to (also unreasonable, basically also not an option).

All I will say is that you have to walk the walk, you don’t know what will happen - but you do know you need HRT. Protect yourself, don’t sacrifice your fundamental well being and existence.

Even if you refuse to transition to appease your wife, it won’t be a “sacrifice” in the sense that it preserves the marriage: won’t be yourself in that marriage, you probably won’t be the happy and supportive spouse you want to be, let alone the kind of father you would be expected to be, and so on. Not transitioning hurts other people, at least that’s how it was for me in my life (and how it seems to be for many other trans women). You aren’t actually helping anyone by not transitioning, and you might be hurting them.

But let your wife make her own decisions and don’t prejudge the outcome before she has had a chance to come to terms with it. Some spouses realize their sexuality was more open than they though and find a way to make it work, and that process can occur over a timeline of years as the transition occurs. Sometimes it takes a while to realize it just won’t work, too. Either way - be clear about your needs with yourself and try to be transparent with your partner and let her make her own choices. That might result in the relationship ending, but that doesn’t mean that outcome is guaranteed, even if it’s reasonable to see the possibility.

This might also be a good time to get a trans-affirming therapist who has experience working with trans patients, and also consider a couples counselor who likewise has experience working with trans people. Trans women are often vilified in society for “betraying” their spouses by transitioning, so it’s important to find a couples therapist who isn’t just going to take the side of the cis spouse, and who understands the importance of medical transition for basic well-being.

This is so tough, I am so sorry you are going through this. 🫂

Remembering my life pre-transition, I held on for so long to avoid creating problems for other people - I even didn’t seriously consider transitioning because it would complicate the relationship with my in-laws, and so on. After transition I look back and think how foolish I was, how little I understood the importance of transitioning, and I feel regret for sacrificing so much of my life for people who don’t even remotely share the same level of concern or sacrifice for me (not that they even necessarily should have made the kinds of sacrifices I was making - nobody should!).

Also, my all-things-considered two cents is that you should start HRT ASAP, don’t delay it because you want to lose weight first or for any other reason. Getting the right sex hormones in your body can not only be very clarifying, but also extremely important for basic functioning. Once I was on HRT, I balked at how long I had lived without it and genuinely wondered how I even survived. Life back on testosterone and without estrogen is an unimaginable horror to me.

And it’s not reasonable for your wife to ask you to delay HRT until after having kids, esp. not with the evidence that fertility comes back when pausing HRT and with the fertility treatment options. Would you want to dictate whether she can take testosterone if she realized she might be a man? (Or whether she can take HRT if she started menopause, and so on?)

In fact, it’s not reasonable for her to dictate most things about your transition - how you identify, what pronouns you use, what surgeries you do or don’t get, etc. You are right to feel she was wrong for overreaching.

She might feel she has a right to control that because she feels a right to not be in a relationship with a woman, or how much of a woman she is comfortable with being with, but the reality is that you are who you are on the inside, and transition is about aligning everything else with that reality - she is already married to someone who isn’t a man, and preventing you from getting access to gender-affirming care won’t change that.

You can predict at this point she is likely to resist every step you make towards transition, and at some point you are going to have to make a decision about how to best handle that.

Transition certainly involves overcoming immense fears and risks, but unfortunately I don’t see any (better) alternative.

There’s a lot of great advice here already, so I’m not going to reitreate. Instead, I’m going to offer an anecdote:

My egg cracked 11 years ago. At the time, my spouse and I had been married for 5 years and together for 10. They meant the world to me and were the only thing driving me every day. I always said that my career was second; they were the smarter one (higher academic degree, more published papers, more detailed mathematical work) and so I could pick up anywhere and do whatever as long as they were doing what they wanted. I would then and would still, now, gladly take a bullet to keep them safe.

I put this out there to lay the foundation for my decision when I discovered, cognitively, that I was transfemme. My immediate and lasting reaction was to shove that in a box and bury it. I refused to harm our relationship or my spouse in ANY way, including but not limited to: socially, emotionally, economically, physically. I was thinking about the direct and indirect effects on them from knowing, and dealing with, me, my transition, or the way others would react to it with them or to them.

I missed a very important factor in all of this: me. Forgetting, just for a moment, how miserable it is to live through over a decade of dysphoria without help or even a verbal outlet, I harmed my spouse by being absent from life in general. I was always stuck inside my own head thinking about how life could be instead of how it was at the moment. After I came out, received a diagnosis and eventually began HRT, they told me they could tell I was actually with them again. I was there. Physically, sure, but also mentally! I was aware in full of the world and events around me and actively taking part in life again.

Did I do some damage? Yes. Some of it is yet to be realized, since I still fully pass in boymode and am sticking to that in public for quite some time. The difference is that the issues we face now and will face in the future are ones we’ll face together. I won’t face them alone inside my head and they won’t face them without me really being in the moment. We’re actually a couple again, everyday, and I wouldn’t give this up for anything.

I have one regret. I regret not doing this a decade ago.

Hoy take. Your own happiness is more important than your wife.

You are the only person who is with you 24/7, who experiences your discomfort 24/7., and you are the only thing you can control.

If your wife leaves, it’s her choice and her right. And honestly , big life changes like this absolutely deserve reconsidering whether the romantic relationship remains something she wants. (Essentially she needs to figure out of she married you or if she married a man, that happens to be you)

Your choice and taking care of yourself should be a separate decision from this. Her reaction does t make you less of a woman. Why would you stop your transition because of that?

Good luck.

I think its important to point out that transitioning is a major change. Even the most supportive possible partner will have reservations, and will take time to come around to the idea of you transitioning. That is to be expected. Having a partner transition is scary. Don’t take comments made in that light too seriously.

My wife is probably the most supportive person I could have possibly married, and despite knowing I was trans before deciding to marry me, she was opposed to it. She knew I was going to transition for at least 2 years before I did it, and she was still somewhat opposed to it until I actually started the HRT.

The most noticeable change from HRT in the first few months was mood changes, not physical changes. I have had so many friends and colleagues notice and comment on how I became significantly happier. If your wife is opposed to something that makes you visibly happier, your marriage was unlikely to last.

A choice between happiness and marriage is a false choice. As an unhappy marriage is rarely a lasting marriage.

Take it slow. She probably will come around to the idea eventually. Be patient, be understanding.

I’m not sure you’ll get any advice that will be particularly helpful here but I’ll try to give my tough love point of view. Please read this with kindness because it’s not meant to be mean but sometimes I write with a very frank style/tone.

Your wife and you may end up having irreconcilable differences when it comes to this situation. Personally, I’m sure you’ve already had some frank discussions on the matter but more communication certainly won’t hurt.

If she wants to have a child that’s conceived through sexual intercourse with her partner and that’s something you can’t provide … That’s really hard to reconcile because it’s straight up divergent feelings. Not even considering the whole physicality of it.

I’ll be honest, speaking personally, if my wife were to transition to a man I’m not sure I would find her attractive nor want to remain married. Maybe your wife can’t or won’t admit that she is not okay with what is going on. She doesn’t want you to think she loves you less or doesn’t care about you but she also can’t help her own feelings.

I wouldn’t go so far right now as to suggest a divorce and staying close friends but it might be worth considering that could be an outcome.

I think that no matter what happens you’ll be in each other’s lives and an important part of them at that. Just remember that both of you have feelings that are valid and while it’s scary to explore those, that’s what will need to happen to reach a mutually agreeable outcome.

Above all else, be true to yourself and true with each other. Even if it’s hard.

If you wife wants to have kids and you want to start transitioning ASAP it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible as partners anymore. Your wife being bi doesn’t mean she’ll be attracted to femme-you. Your post seems to be very focused on yourself and your plans, what is your wife’s take on all this? Should you store some sperm for IVF? Adopt? Use an external sperm donor? Your current problems have solutions but you need to discuss these with your partner.

I’m not sure I can offer any advice, but I can attempt to describe my situation and maybe that will help.

I’m 40 MTF and started transitioning last summer as soon as my egg cracked; on hormones for about 8 months now. I’ve been married (to a woman) for a bit over 15 years and we have a daughter who is 13. As others have described I was becoming increasingly disengaged over time (and obese, alcoholic, and pretty unpleasant) and to be honest was probably not too many years away from leaving the world altogether. As a result, relations with my wife have been strained (and definitely not intimate) to say the least,

When I came out, my wife was unsurprised (“you’ve always had that kind of an air about you”) and cautiously supportive: she described a kind of platonic sister-like relationship, which even I could see would be an improvement from where we were. She’s not romantically interested in women, but (claims to be) not particularly bothered about not having a male partner. I hadn’t been meeting that role anyway. We talked about my transition plans: I wanted to start to live as a woman; HRT would potentially risk my fertility, but we weren’t realistically going to have any more children anyway; I wasn’t sure about whether I wanted surgery or to change my name (spoiler: both). She was OK with that, affirmed that I should live how I want, didn’t plan on separating, and volunteered that she’d be understanding if I decided later on that I was into men instead. She did mention that it would probably take a while to get used to the new situation.

My daughter was on board from the get-go and has been 100% supportive. She says I’m a lot easier to get along with now.

There have been a couple of stumbling blocks with the wife. First is a lingering resentment of my past actions: I’ve been a very shitty (but not unfaithful or physically abusive) husband, and she can be (understandably) pretty icy towards me on occasion. This boiled over one day when she was unhappy that I’d started wearing a bra. We talked about it: we’d already discussed I was transitioning and that this was probably not what she was really upset about; how I want to get on better terms but needed her cooperation. She talked about various things I’d said and done in the past that made her upset and we’d fought about; I accepted and apologized. Crisis over.

Second; I picked a new name (in fact it was one my wife suggested), tried it out at the local LGBT space and decided I wanted to use it full-time. Wife said she’d have to think about it, and kept using my old name. After a couple of months this was really starting to wear me down, and I talked to her about dysphoria and how it was a big deal to me. She still wasn’t comfortable using my new name, but agreed to stop using the old one and was OK with me changing it legally. I assume she’s still having trouble letting go the old me, or perhaps her ideal of what I could have been. My daughter makes a point to use my new name often, for which I’m very grateful.

Since then I’ve been steadily shifting my presentation more and more femme, although since I’m at home most of the time I’m usually in pretty androgynous casual wear. My wife has been cool with that, and although I don’t recall going out together with me in 100% unambiguous femme mode, I don’t think she’d have a problem with it.

Going forward, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll decide I like men after all and find a new partner. Maybe my wife will decide she doesn’t want to be married to a woman after all. Maybe we’ll figure out a platonic cohabiting relationship, or it’ll become an open marriage. Or maybe my wife will rediscover an attraction for me. It’s pretty much out of my control, and the only thing to do is take life one day at a time.

ADDENDUM: I thought of some comments and advice.

• If your wife is anything like me, it’s easy to accidentally talk on auto-pilot and say things that fit the conversation but have no relation to what you are actually thinking or feeling. Don’t overthink it :3
• Similarly, don’t expect your wife to immediately have a rational, complete, or consistent response to your transition. It really will take time to get used to. Her opinions may (and probably will) change.
• Absolutely do not pretend you can repress yourself to conform to something that is not you. It won’t work. Everyone will be sad.
• You’re going to have to let go of who you thought you were. So is your wife.
• Your marriage is not going to turn out how you used to imagine it. It might be better, or it might not work out. You need to be prepared for both eventualities, and you probably can’t tell yet which it will be.
• It’s OK to compromise on some things. Maybe your wife will too. But don’t rely on it.