I never experimented with my sexuality as a teenager - dysphoria, depression, autism, etc. You get the gist. Good news: I’m finally starting to get my ducks in a row at the decrepit old age of 23 /j. Bad news: Oh god now I have to address this shit.
Gonna be honest, I have no ideas where to start. So… how did y’all figure out if you liked men/women/both/neither/whatever? Was it an instinctual thing that you just Noticed one day? Did you have to go on dates and try things out?
I’m a little nervous about coming across as an asshole if I hook up with someone and then realize “Oh! I hate this!” halfway through, y’know?
I just want to tell you, that although 23 may feel old for a teenager, it absolutely isn’t
I’m 41 and I’m still trying to figure out life
It’s never too late to be, what/how you want to be.
And the feeling of relief and freedom one experiences is always worth it - even if it would mean just the last minutes of your life, it’s just worth itI was in my 30s when I started figuring out my gender and sexuality weren’t “normal” (I’m agender and pansexual with a preference for femmes), and it took years to decide on details, which over a decade later still fluctuate a bit. So, you’re still quite young and lucky to be able to question things freely.
Take your time, you have lots of time to figure it out. Question everything including your own learned reactions which sometimes seem like instinct at first. Look for things that trigger desire, rather than avoiding things that trigger repulsion. I found late that the repulsion was more learned, but the desire was always true. So following the positive rather than reacting to the negative worked well for me. And experiment with no regrets. If it turns out you don’t like a certain gender or genitals, so what if you tried it out once or twice. As long as you don’t push yourself, just do what feels good.
Best advice is to be very open and communicate in detail up front what your boundaries are and confirm consent constantly (both that you consent or not, and that the other person does). Consent can be retracted at any time if things don’t feel right. Otherwise, find some groups for LGBTQ+ people with good consent rules or some therapy groups where you can discuss things. That might need to be online if you don’t live in a place where it’s safe to be out, but there are safe spaces for discussing and experimenting, way more than when I was your age.
Most of all, enjoy the exploration and listen to your feelings.
As an adult, you should be able to have this very normal conversation up front with people you are interested in meeting.
If it doesn’t come up in the normal introductory Q&A sessions that are typical of first dates, be sure to bring it up that you are still figuring out what your preference is.
For hookup apps, it’s even easier. Just explain the situation. People are generally understanding.
When you’re experimenting as an adult, a certain amount of professionalism and maturity is expected. You can’t be horsing around carelessly like the bad kids did back in school; that’s a good way to get hurt. Follow all lab safety procedures, including wearing appropriate PPE. Get informed consent from all human subjects involved. Be willing to put in the hard work. Keep good notes so that you can reproduce your findings and communicate them effectively to your colleagues.
Oh, and watch out for those Bunsen burners, if you know what I mean. 😉
Personally, I’ve always known deep down about my pure attraction to men and the masculine. I fooled around with a lot of guys my age, only had crushes on guys throughout school, and only had sex dreams about two dudes (or more) pushing the limits with sexual exploration. For me, it was very much a “fork found in kitchen” situation.
Personally, I would start with more indirect methods, gauging responses/feelings toward those that are considered attractive, media that contain sexual acts being performed in a wide range (straight, gay) various genders getting involved on the actions. If any of those spark something, perhaps trying with actual people would help. To not be an asshole, one way is stating that you are uncertain about your sexual desires and wish to test them out. Most decent human beings will be understanding and those that do not respond positively to that are best avoided.
At 25 I realized I was Asexual (growing up was weird. I didnt feel any sorta way for people)
At 30 I realized I was Agender (I always thought of my self as a person rather than as a gendered person)
I also believe in clothes being optional.
20NB here. Possibly in a similar boat to you at my age. I consider myself abrosexual, but I have not been able to experiment as of yet.
As for how I figured things out, it’s quite simple. I am panromantic and demiromantic, and I have only loved three people in my life. All three are fellow enbies, but between them they cover the three main areas of the gender spectrum.
I also see a fair amount of (generally non-spicy) fanart on Tumblr and Pinterest, which has strengthened my convictions.
Because of my demiromanticism, as well as depression (self-Dx; 99.999% certainty) and autism (awaiting formal Dx; the NHS is shit), I have not started dating yet and I have not been in any relationships; so this is entirely instinctual and has not been tested.
