I hate myself. I want to erase myself with that poison. I want everyone who tries to abuse me and ask me for anything see no response, for I burned myself to death. I wait for some time when I would be just free, but whenever it comes, I’d just drink through it so I wouldn’t even remember it. It feels like I had no free time at all, and here comes another morning, another Monday. I want to die.
I want to isolate myself from all this noise, these requests, these fucking routines. And alcohole helps me there. But then I have problems even waking up, a racing hearth, a bloody nose, these flashes in my already tired eyes. I feel like I pushed it too far, I eat vodka instead of a proper food, and it feeds into my generally bad acceptance of food.
I feel like it’s nothing. I can race, I can growl, I can hate for whatever this diete of vodka and barely something can carry me for.
It makes me prepared to still work the job I hate. It makes me do work for people I love. It makes me not alone.
I feel embarassed by people around me, for they can smell that I’ve been drinking from me. In elevators, on the ladders and especially in the office space. Many of them are so kind to ignore it, but I know all of them know it. Even persons I don’t know personally know I’m a drunk piece of shit.
I hate myself, why I’m even there? All I can think of is hate, Hate, HATE. But if I’m unfit to my job, where I can even find a job with that bad temper.
Honestly, I just want to drink myself to death, when I wouldn’t care of all these things and my self-hatred.
You start the same way you start anything: one step at a time.
Do you want to do this? Do you want to wake up feeling ok? Do you want to stop hiding liquor on your breath, stop making excuses why you can’t do things so you can drink instead? If so, then start.
There is no secret technique. No revelation that will make you stop drinking. It is work. Hard work. You will need to find and confront those things that make you drink. It’s hard and it isn’t fun - but it is worth it.
Say it with me - I will not drink with you today. TODAY. We deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. Today, I will not drink with you.
Today I will not drink.
It’s rather funny to imagine how it wasn’t a problem before, even in worse times. I’ve been pretty depressed to work on my previous job, I’ve seen no sun there in the winter excluding only smoke breaks. Riding here before the sun rises, riding out after it falls out. And there I still wasn’t at the same bottom I wrote about.
It feels like Covid broke something in me and many others.
Hey, I’ve talked to you before in other threads.
I got sober in 2017, but I still remember feeling a lot of what you’re describing here. I too had the shame and the hopelessness. I too wanted to die so many times. That was actually the same time when I ended up in the psych ward and jail.
I too had a career that was slowly killing me but where I felt trapped. Things got so bad with the alcohol that I lost that career.
And that bad temper? That’s not totally you. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol has a profound psychological impact over time. I still struggle with depression, but I can’t even express how much better it is without the alcohol. It’s not easy to see how much it’s affecting literally everything when you’re, as they say, “lost in the sauce.” The alcohol is bringing a lot of the anger and feelings of hopelessness. Even when you’re not actually drunk, it has a lingering effect.
I’m slightly poorer now, but I found a job I feel good about and that’s not killing me. I went through hell to get here, but ultimately I’m thankful to be alive and sober.
You can do it, too. It might not work on your first try, but then try and try again. Eventually you’ll find some support, something that works for you.
It also turned out for me that a big part of the alcoholism (and in my case, also opioid addiction) was related to trauma. Yeah. For a lot of us, there’s also something we’re dealing with. And if you get through this, you can come out an even better person than ever, because you’ll know what it’s like for people with trauma and addiction. It’s made me much more empathetic.
I hope you can get through this and find peace. For me, my rock bottom had to hit pretty hard, but I found a sober life on the other side. If I could do it, you can too.
I’m sorry for don’t even remembering when we met the first time. Was it the time when I was drunk and felt so much loathe for myself I used lemmy as a shadow to train my fists against, or when I became sober, sad and empathetic, and tried to help someone with my thoughtd and ideas? I can’t tell. But I hope, the third time would be different.
There’s so much in your reply I can’t process at once. I’d reread it. And I hope your words wouldn’t be for nothing.
Was it the time when I was drunk and felt so much loathe for myself I used lemmy as a shadow to train my fists against, or when I became sober, sad and empathetic, and tried to help someone with my thoughtd and ideas?
As far as I remember, it was neither. We shared back and forth a bit about mental health care in Russia and where I live in the US.
I’d reread it. And I hope your words wouldn’t be for nothing.
The main idea is that a lot of what you hate about yourself seems related to the alcohol. That’s how it was for me. And that you have to try again when you fail.
I did go to AA at first and had a sponsor who told me, “Find what works for you, and keep doing it.” What worked for me early on was keeping myself busy with hobbies.
Also, if you can’t find AA where you’re at, maybe you can find an online group, maybe a discord? In my experience, it doesn’t have to be specifically focused on recovery, just a group of people who you can connect with who won’t encourage you to drink. I personally had to get away from the people who were all about drinking and using.
I’d recommend going to an aa meeting as a first step. There’s no judgement there, and they’ve been in your shoes
I’ve looked for and found none of their chambers in my rural russia. There’s also no psychological counceling until you try and spend half of your wage there.
ed: I feel like I’d need to find at least the last one, and collect money for it.
Your words are as beautiful as poetry. I can’t offer advice because I’m in the same position, but what I can say for sure is that the world is a much better place with you around. If we met in person I think I could endlessly listen to you talk about anything
You need to give up alcohol right away. Lowering the degree, reducing the amount of alcohol consumed or the number of drunks will not benefit. It is important to remove any alcohol from the house and enlist the support of friends. Understand what makes you want to drink. By resorting to alcohol, a person avoids emotions. It is important to establish their type, to understand how to fix the situation without alcohol. Avoid disruptions. The first few days are not easy to drink. However, over time, the need for alcohol will increase. Focus on the desire for sobriety, do not give in to the urge to drink alcohol. Fight the guilt. During intoxication, a person makes a lot of mistakes. . When the intoxication passes, the realization of what he has done comes. As a result, there is a strong sense of guilt. However, it is impossible to correct the past. Self-destruction will not do any good. It is better to focus on the future and try to avoid such situations.
In addition, you can read several useful books “Changing for Good” by James Prochazka and “Staying Sober” by psychologist Terence Gorsky. I also think you should look online for like-minded people, maybe with online meetings. And I think there are various smartphone apps for getting rid of alcoholism.
Thank you. Especially for the last paragraphs with recomendations. Guess, it would be harder to drink if one hand is occupied with a book.
I also think you should look online for like-minded people, maybe with online meetings.
I’m hilariously bad with keeping long-living connections to people or projects. Something like what you see in ADHD memes although I’m not diagnozed. Guess it’s one of the reasons I have problems to build a long time realtion with sobriety.
It is not necessary to maintain long-term relationships with them, you can appear periodically as needed and the need for it, besides, it can be turned into a daily routine. And you can also use existing connections :), for example, ask a friend, partner or family member to help. Maybe they will remind you daily that today is sobriety day, or they will ask you if you are going to drink today, etc.
In addition, about books if you are from Russia, it seems they were translated into Russian, which can help in reading them.
Im entirely unqualified to comment here, but you are going to have trouble escaping any addiction until you understand what hole the addiction is filling for you, a specific mental or physical pain. If it’s just that life sucks and there’s nothing to live for, you have to figure that part out first.
You have to build the strength to be vulnerable and open with yourself. It’s a process and it’s not easy. But there’s no other path forward aside from confronting your pain.
You aren’t less qualified than I’m.
I can list many specific reasons, but I don’t really know what from all of them made me from a depressed overgrown teen into a drunkie.
I wish I’d find this strenght. Another monday would show me if I get it.
