I’m really stuck. I’ve been unhappy for years and we’ve done couple’s therapy and tried to reconnect, but it’s just not enough.
I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can’t see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don’t know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they’ve been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.
How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn’t seem like something I could possibly do… but I can’t stay here, I’m withering away.
Help?
Talking to a therapist on your own will be the biggest thing you can do. You can give them so much context and they can give you a tailored plan or just be a trusted sounding board, even.
The only thing I can say is that you can’t discount your own happiness. It’s just as important as anyone else’s, if not more so since people like your partner can feel that energy, too.
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A friend of mine recently had to do pretty much this. Frankly it’s remarkable how similar the situations are. His ex-partner is still alive and mot “done for” and she deals with many strong anxieties on top of not being as financially stable.
What they did was separate at first, with him moving out first so she had more time to get her own self in order.
I’ve thought about separation, but it’s pretty rough financially to pay for rent + mortgage. Still, appreciate the reply
Didn’t you do that for years while they were unemployed in addition to taking care of them emotionally?
I’d still recommend looking into it, or doing some variation that suits your particular circumstance because everyone is different in its own way.
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That said, the only piece of advice you should absolutely follow is seeking individual therapy. It can be a strange thing at first, especially if there’s an idea of it on your head. We all do it differently so no one person’s experience will speak for the others.
For me, I’m actually pretty “good” at it but there’s still a tonne of value I find in being able to talk it through with someone completely separated from the rest of my life but who still cares enough to help. Other people are looking for more guidance, some just need an ear, and many aren’t even sure what they need until they do it for a bit.