there is an anxiety in my trans circles that the future might become worse, that access to surgery, new passports and stuff might become harder. i feel like i should hurry to get shit done.

but i can’t. it took sooo long until i knew for sure, i wanted to go on hrt. i am now and it’s great. not for the reasons i imagined, but for all the small things i never thought about. yet i don’t know what i want my name to be. it is such a hard question for me. i start to rethink sexuality aswell esp. since my libido seems to have vanished under estrogen. this i like also. but what does it say about my sexual identity? or my gender identity? will there be a point at which i want a bottom surgery? there are so many questions that i can’t answer (yet).

meanwhile the whole world seems to demand these answers and wants them to align with their cis-het assumptions. health care wants me to display a binary persona for access to hrt (i played the part), and surgery. my aunt immediately fantasized about me “certainly” looking for a man to have a family with. everyone really wats to have an update on how to handle me. no ambiguity.

i realised that in my trans specific therapy group i get quiet and anxious when they are all discussing hospitals, doctors, procedures and all the technicalities. i feel like i am behind. always behind. i haven’t done my homework. i didn’t know forever that i was a girl. i don’t know today. i’m just starting to get a sense of self. something that was shattered and buried through thorough suppression. i am putting together fragments like an archeologist. but being trans is in a way still just a working hypothesis. it’s highly plausible, but i can’t see the bigger picture yet.

i am afraid, that all of this will take me too long, that i will have to jump over new hurdles, or old ones, like when the rubber stamps from my therapist will be too old. i feel like i have to figure out myself now. i feel alone with that. even in self help, and therapy groups everyone is always so sure about themselves. just not me. i should seek out enby groups maybe? plz hit me up, if you ever felt this way too. 😥

  • kluczyczka (she/her)OPEnglish
    3·
    2 days ago

    thanks a lot! hugs! :3

    i don’t have clear bottom dysphoria. i realised years ago, that i actually didn’t want others to interact too much with or focus on my parts during sex, but i’m unsure wether that’s just being concious about how they perceive me? plus a while ago i got myself into tucking bc some outfits make me feel quite exposed otherwise, but that might be a fashion statement?

    so yeah. oversharing? sry. i’d be courious though, how other ppl expierience this, for my self exegesis workes a lot over my reaction to other peoples stories. i guess most wouldn’t want to share. that’s fine. :)

    • Shirow@lemmy.zipEnglish
      5·
      2 days ago

      I feel a bit the same.

      I don’t have really any taboo, so that’s fine with me. I haven’t yet crossed the step of going into feminine clothes nor makeup outside (that’s still relatively new. I understood my transidentity 3 months ago and started hrt 1 month ago DIY.)

      Only went out twice with mascara and feminine shoes (well they are not the most feminine ones but still dark and pink).

      But clearly I’m not passing and not trying hard to do that now. I’m haven’t done my CO to my parents nor at work. (And oh boy that will probably be bad knowing I’m in workplace that half is probably leaning far right.)

      I’ve been lurking in some discord server trying to read other people stories and their view to forge mine basically and here I am.

      • kluczyczka (she/her)OPEnglish
        2·
        2 days ago

        oh, i always assume everyone is in the game longer than i am. (14 months, that i consider myself trans, 2 months on hrt). turns out we are kind of at similar points.

        (in case this might help you with clothing. the best fashion advice i ever heared is: “don’t wear clothes that are too small”. a lot of my denial stems from that. when i got clothes from girls that were a bit smaller, i could wear them but they wouldn’t fit me well. which then made me look bad and therefor feel bad. that still happens to me in store sometimes. but knowing this rule helped me to see that its the clothes fault, not my bodies.)

        i hope your parents and workplace will accept you, that workplace sounds scary, but the other half of people might be more important? ;) at least you are more important.

        my workplace is very inclusive and yet i haven’t come out there. partly bc i feel i should bring a name. otherwise it’d just be “weird how i grew boobs over the last months, right?”

        • Shirow@lemmy.zipEnglish
          4·
          2 days ago

          Thanks for the clothing advice.

          As for work well… That’s a wait and see… Probably will wear a sport bra real soon. My breast growth has been fast for a month.

          For work, I’m contracted for 3 years. I will fight and not be silent towards incorrect behavior.

          As for parents it’s more complicated. My dad is racist (not hatred towards everyone but still the mind of the good ones and the bad ones), homophobic (like saddly a lot of 60 years old)but dependant administratively on me or my brother and sister. Since I’m the only on close physically. He won’t have a choice to accept, and probably because he loves us in the end. As for my mother. I’m afraid to trigger something about her schizophrenia. I won’t extend about it because the goal is not to trauma dump.

          In the end I’m doing this for myself. My choice to transition will have consequences but I choose to care and express myself now. Better that than living and denying my own needs and wants like did before.

    • dandelion (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      3·
      2 days ago

      i realised years ago, that i actually didn’t want others to interact too much with or focus on my parts during sex

      you should know this is stereotypical bottom dysphoria, e.g. Stone Butch Blues - the idea of being “stone” had to do with not wanting someone to interact with your genitals during sex (more common in trans men than in butch lesbians, hence “stone butch” was that line crossing over into trans territory)

      • kluczyczka (she/her)OPEnglish
        2·
        1 day ago

        i had a quick look around, i am a bit scared of the book now. do you know a good discussion of it msybe?

        thanks though, this might help me a little to come closer.

        • dandelion (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
          2·
          22 hours ago

          I wouldn’t recommend reading Stone Butch Blues - it’s traumatizing and not particularly affirming

          I’ve already shared the relevant part from that book. I suggest you read a lot more about trans experience - I have a list I can put together if you’d like.

          • kluczyczka (she/her)OPEnglish
            3·
            21 hours ago

            i’d love to! but please don’t put in too much effort. 2-3 suggestions would be great and fit in the next months. :)

            • dandelion (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
              3·
              20 hours ago

              if you just want 2 - 3 suggestions, I would start with Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl and Sexed Up, and then maybe something like Mia Violet’s Yes, You are Trans Enough