ETA: I’ve received so many incredibly helpful responses and so quickly! Thank you all!!! 🥰🙏 I no longer have the doubts I had that led to these questions. I am grateful that I was able to address many less-positive concerns here. Now, I get to focus more on trans joy and preparing to start this incredible journey with you all 🥰
-Long-time lurker, first-time poster
Content warnings: Brief mention of transphobic reactions, a couple questions about de-transitioning
Context
I’m in my late 30s, amab. I’m considering transitioning. I’m considering HRT and hair removal only, no surgery. I plan to identify/express as a binary woman when HRT has taken effect. But if I don’t get the results that I’m looking for, I could see a world where identifying as an enby (and staying on HRT, etc) might make sense. (I’m a frontline healthcare worker who’s concerned about negative reactions from patients when transitioning and/or when my pronouns don’t match my appearance in some people’s eyes.)
HRT trials
At this point (I’ve questioned for years), I don’t think I’m ever going to be 100% sure about whether or not I want to transition. I think that preparing to transition and starting HRT might help me reach greater certainty about whether I want to continue. Does that sound reasonable? Do you think a doctor in an informed consent context would have concerns with starting me on HRT if I said that? Also, is it fair to say that I can probably look androgynous or plausibly cisgender (especially with effort - if I had a need to) for a year or two after starting HRT?
Older adulthood
I’m not sure what to expect in my late 60s, 70s, etc. Do people who’ve transitioned for decades at that point feel that their gender doesn’t seem as relevant any more, question the benefits of staying on HRT, and stop? In that case, is there any sort of detox/withdrawal, pain, or significant health-related complications associated with stopping HRT?
Reversibility
Hypothetically, let’s say I wanted to stop transitioning or de-transition - closer to my current age - and wanted to identify/express as a man. The only real issue to me seems to be that I might have breasts - and ‘only’ an A or B cup (re: concealability). Skin, body fat distribution, hair, and muscle mass changes seem inconsequential to me (and are all considered reversible, with BF being reversible/ variable). Loss of fertility is not important to me. And medically salvaging a functional penis (i.e., libido and erections with testosterone and blue pills), if necessary, seems medically doable and acceptable to me provided I prevent penile atrophy. How’s my understanding of that?
I’m not seeking medical advice, just community perspectives, anecdotes, and/or pointers to resources. Thanks for reading and also for any responses. Comments on other things I’ve mentioned are also welcome :)
i can only speak about uncertianty and “trial”. i was in deep denial for years, while also finding opportunities to crossdress.i live in a queer community for almost 15yrs (am now mid 30s), so none of that was ever a problem. it was only the wedding of my closest friends (1.3 years ago), that pushed me over the edge. i felt ugly weeks in advance and couldn’t find a fit for the occasion. i felt wrong in this highly gendered context (suits&dresses) i couldn’t express myself, couldn’t exist. even though i was surrounded by good (queer) friends. i realised a day or two later that if i had to play a role i wanted to play the fem part. i realised that i always disliked my male features. i actually thought that every guy i was with didn’t desire me because of my male features but despite them. (i constructed heterosexual men out of gay guys)
so. t had to be blocked (we are 2 days after the wedding, 2 a.m.) that wouldn’t do a lot but prevent worse. also, having estrogen instead would be better for the bones. that was my initial thought. i framed it as a aesthetic neccessity. i would come to terms with having boobs more easily than with the beard in my face, and i survived that a long time.
1-2 month in, i found that my mind worked better on e. anxiety and depression started to go down quickly. i was surprised, it did more than just change my look. now that there’s visible breast growth i realised i really wanted that too. at this point they are still easily hidden/overlooked so i coud still stop. but i don’t want to. i realised i needed them all my life to look more fem.
i really only realised that, when i saw myself in the mirror 2.5 month on hrt. with a new fit. with my tiny breasts.
try it. you might be just as surprised as i was. or just stop. :)
i learned early to be careful with officials. “yes sir/ma’am i want all of these effects.” i voiced my concerns only in transfem groups. none of them knew the notion of not looking forward to having breasts, but they understood that i could have a desire for femininity without knowing how i feel about having boobs. initially i didn’t tell my therapist, even though he is trans himself. i feared anyone who had power over me would ever say something like “maybe you are not ready then”. i wasn’t ready for full feminity. but i was absolutely done with masculinity.
IC-practioners shouldn’t be a problem, yeah. but do they need to participate in your decision making?
Thank you, Kluczyczka for walking me through your experience so carefully ❤️. Hating being at weddings, then connecting it to being on the ‘suit’ side, was a pretty early egg-crack for me.
I uttered something non-verbal like a involuntary giggle when I spotted that at a glance. I loved seeing the subheadings to you post, just like I have here. Samesies :)
I don’t want to DIY HRT if that’s what you’re asking. If you’re asking if they get a mandatory minimum amount of input, I’m not sure tbh
i didn’t go on diy either (would’ve been faster… buuut something held me back).
but since my uncertainties and questions weren’t endocrinological in nature and they weren’t about wether i wanted hrt, i figured i’d need more expiriences from other trans people. (what you are doing here) i pretended binarity at first, just to avoid questions i’d better discuss somewhere else.
“lying to your doctors” to me and in the most general perspective and under ideal circumstances sounds like a bad idea. (someone else pointed at that too) but be honest about the dosage, side effects and genetic risks to your endo, not about your overthinking. ;)
good luck! :)
Your points about who to talk to and how honest to be about what topics with doctors makes sense! Thanks :)!