Tw: discussion of bad mental health
The burnout is real and strong and has been going on for ages. How long? I honestly I don’t know, could be six months could be year. Most likely it was mild burnout some reduction in burnout and then more burnout to greater extreme, reduction but not completely and the cycle has gone on so long I don’t remember when I wasn’t miserable, lonely, exhausted, ate healthy, productive and so I have just walked down a set of stairs into a dark pit of who knows what.
Some days are easier, words, explanations, communication and such but most days I feel like a mess and can’t get it sorted out. I started this process of trying to get better 2 years ago. Started seeking professional help and here I am. Am I better? No, maybe, I don’t know.
I feel like the first med I ever took may have left me with permanent issues. I feel like I used to go through periods where things were bad but I dug myself out and was able to keep going. Passive suicidal thoughts were only popping up occasionally. Now it seems almost daily. I don’t actually feel suicidal. It’s just intrusive thoughts they don’t even feel like they belong to me. Just like some gremlin that reminds me I’m worthless and should just end it. Then it’s gone. No desire to actually do that and I know it’s just a passing thought but it sucks almost all the joy from everything.
In this time I have gotten married and bought a house that I adore. I have loving family and spouse. Pets I adore, goals so why do I feel like this all the time. I do experience happiness but I can’t seem to hold on to it. And I am getting worse at my job and further behind.
Not sure really where I was wanting to go originally with this. I do have a mental health team who I am working with, but I feel like I am not making progress. Appointments are spread far apart.
I feel like crawling out of my skin and screaming but also like doing none of those things.
Idk thanks if you read this far. I’m not sure what I wanted other than to maybe feel like I have told someone how bad it really is. How much I want to be better and how impossible it seems.
Because now I have to go back to work and pretend I haven’t been crying that I’m not exhausted that I can get through today. I’m afraid to ask for a mental health day.
Oh ADHD is not my only diagnosis. I am on ssris for depression and that’s what I started on. But the depression and the ADHD are irrevocable linked and tend to fuel each other in very negative ways. And the work load never decreases. I speak about it from a burnout perspective because that is the easiest way to discuss it. No matter the ADHD or depression I have to keep working and through working I have felt like I have been in burnout for forever. But the break isn’t there. I don’t have the ability to stop and really take a break. I keep trying self care things and tips for depression and burnout and it may improve for a day but then it’s right back to where I was previously or worse shortly after.
Breaks seem to short and far too ineffective. Infact in trying to take breaks I have made it worse because they havent helped and now I’m just further behind and more overwhelmed.
Purely physical fatigue compounds over time to the point that a few good nights sleep won’t fix it, it can take weeks. I imagine mental stress is the same. It sounds basically impossible for you to actually relax. I don’t really know what to say because “Hey have you tried relaxing” isn’t very helpful. If it’s possible, you could ask someone to take something off your plate, whether it’s at home or work, to make your load more manageable.
Remember it’s OK to ask for help when you need it.
It’s just me and my boss so at work I am trapped with the work load I have. My spouse has been understanding and has taken anything he can when I have asked but it’s a balancing act because he has his own issues to work through.
I am working with a therapist and she wants me to prioritize so the things I don’t get to are the least important and least likely to keep bothering me while I try to rest but man it’s hard.
If you quit your job could your partner carry the load for a while? Is your self worth tied up in your work? Self care is important, full stop, but it’s often weaponized to put the pressure of not feeling awful on you instead of the soul-sucking world we live in.
God I wish. My spouse is the main bread winner but my job provides the insurance that allows us to see therapists and psychiatrists.
Yeah that sounds about right. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I can’t really offer anything more than words. I do hope you find some peace though, whatever that’s worth.
Have you looked into autism? I was always burned out, labeled “anxiety and depression” and tried over 20 meds for it. I did not improve until my diagnosis of ADHD and later autism. Taking proper meds and working with a neurodivergent affirming therapist has helped me manage my quirks and take necessary precautions/accommodations to avoid burning out. My life still isn’t where I want it to be, but I no longer want to die.
I havent. I doubt that my particular issue is autism. I don’t meet any of the other criteria for it. But I am so glad you are at a better place and working with a great neurodivergent therapist.