I’ve been with my husband over a decade now, and from the beginning I’ve struggled to tolerate his parents. I appreciate that sounds awful, but these are people who get ranty when they see a person of colour or a gay couple or a migrant or whatever else on TV that triggers their bigotry. Listening to their endless spewing of hatred is really difficult to ignore, and incredibly draining on your energy when you spend the whole time jaw-clenched so as not to engage.
My husband is, understandably, very bitter about my feelings towards his parents. I’m not even able to casually bring them up in conversation anymore without him starting to get angry. He doesn’t display his anger, we just know eachother well enough that I can see his resentment bubbling under the surface.
At this stage, every time he forces us to visit one another, to me it’s a step closer towards the end of our relationship. I have MH issues, and if his parents’ hatred-spewing happens to cross paths with me on a day I’m not able to control my outbursts… It’s not pretty. I made his mother cry once after I couldn’t take her ignorant, hate-filled ranting anymore. I’m really ashamed of that.
To me, the only alternative to the inevitable descent into breakup is to simply not have to see them, or not have to be there when they stay in our house. I don’t like them, they don’t like me, why should we have to tolerate one another? They can’t enjoy the interactions any more than I do.
But…this will put my husband into a very awkward position. He’s very close with his family and sees them often, and he hates my intolerance of them. The relationship as it is hurts him deeply.
Should I just suck it up and try to tolerate them better? I could just get fucked up on diazepam for every visit so I don’t care about what they’re saying.
So, my fellow Lemmings, would I be the asshole if, after the next planned visit, I refuse to attend all the visits to see them, or be there when they come to our house to stay?
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my favourite piece of relationship advice i’ve ever read is that whatever issues crop up, it’s you two (or however many there are of you) vs the problem, not you against each other. i think you need to make it known to your husband that his family’s bigotry is very hurtful to you and how difficult it is to be around them. personally, i would make an effort to be amicable but not encouraging towards their behaviour. this all depends on exactly how bad it is though.
I agree, this is something you need to be able to discuss with your husband.
yeah, you need to know what his expectations are. does he share their views? is that something you can deal with? ideological agreements are what’s most important in a relationship for me so i’d go about finding out these things first.
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In that case, I’d communicate that to your husband and explain how bad being in that environment can be. on days when you’re feeling mentally strong and prepared you can interact with them, but he’d do well to give you some slack on days when you can’t deal with them.
I would say the people being bigots would be the assholes. That being said, only you and your spouse can figure out if doing this can be sustainable in your relationship.
IMO, life is too short to force yourself to be around people that make you unhappy.
I think you are putting yourself last in a very bad way. You said “he hates your intolerance to them” and I am wondering if he said that or you think that. And if he said that, maybe you can try to communicate to him that their intolerance is effecting you and if you should try to turn down your intolerance, that maybe they should turn down theirs too.
I believe good relationships, no matter the type, are about co-operation and respect and Setting a shared goal.
Set a shared goal with your husband, maybe be more careful with your words. Sounds like the willingness to discuss this isn’t great atm.
And then maybe try to set a shared goal with the inlaws
