I’ve read out there that the ratio between men and women on dating apps is pretty awfully skewed. The estimates I’ve read, from a variety of sources all claiming inside insight, put it somewhere at 10:3 men:women on the high end and about half as many women on the low end. Let me tell you, I sure do feel it. I’ve been using some combination of Tinder, Bumble, and Hinged on and off for more than half a decade now and I’ve had two dates total. The first one didn’t have a second date because she sexually assaulted me, the other because she just didn’t feel any chemistry. I can get maybe 5 matches in a month if I’m maxing out my free likes on two platforms every day. The chance they even respond to the first message is like 1/10. So on, so forth. I think I’m a decent catch. I take care of myself. I have a job, hobbies (even ones that aren’t video games/TV!), open myself up to plenty of new experiences, try to listen to others, and was lucky to be born with some conventionally attractive features. Hasn’t helped very much.
This all sucks, but this is nothing that anybody who has used a dating app could tell you. What really kills it all is A) the way this shitty feeling is monetized to sell $30/mo dating app subs that I will not buy on pain of death B) the white-knuckled grip half the women in the south (where I live) seem to have on outdated gender roles C) the lack of any alternatives
Elaborating on that last point, I live about an hour outside of the nearest city of any decent size. I’m in maximum old-white-people-exurb territory. There’s basically nothing for me to meet people my own age, let alone women my age, without an hour’s drive. All but three of my friends are guys, and they aren’t really positioned to introduce me to anybody either. Out of my ~10 closest friends, only one of them has even been in a relationship in the past 5 or so years. I can’t move because I’m at my parent’s house right now and it feels super hard to justify moving out when you’re making less than 50k/yr and have a stable family situation just because I’m sexually frustrated. It’s been so long I feel like I wouldn’t even know how to flirt or recognize flirting even if I landed in a miracle situation anyways.
What do yall think? Am I making too much out of it?
No. We’re in the :cool-zone: of relationships and dating. Dating apps are incentivized to keep you unmatched. Capitalism has centralized into several mega-hubs and drained the countryside of its young talent. Jobs demand college educations saddling entire generations with crushing debt. Housing is fucking expensive. Suburbs are … yeah.
We live in hell. Don’t beat yourself up for getting burned.
I am also part of the Hexbear school of dudes that can’t flirt good, and want to do other things good too. Also don’t beat yourself up. We all have an out: COVID threw everything for a loop and we’re all still recovering. Probably the most important thing is to not stress yourself out.
Ok, hear me out: the hot new dating app is Grandma-Net. Lots of seniors need help around the house or yard, and having somebody local and reliable is a huge boon. Naturally they will ask about your dating life, and once you put out that your single your name will fly through Grandma-Net faster than gossip.
I’m only half-kidding too. Organizing your neighborhood, even for stuff like potlucks or yard work, builds community that also helps with your dating life. We live in a deeply atomized age, so we need to be the catalyst that creates social molecules in our neighborhoods, jobs, schools (both you and kids), churches, etc. Small fun stuff is great practice for organizing for larger political projects. It also builds your social network that allows you to organically meet potential romantic partners.
It also helps to know that previous generations in the 20th century reinvented romance many times. Imagine living during the Competitive Dating era of the 1930s. Take some solace knowing that things aren’t set in stone and we can do something completely different. Don’t pressure yourself to conform to an Ideal.
Mood to all this except being a dude, but (while maybe it’s different- am trans tho so had arguably debatably something halfways akin to the experience prior to realizing was trans?) while obvs it hits different coming from a girl, there is definitely one trick to just about anything IMO… Fake confidence, or real confidence, or just swagger. If you’re blunt and can be chill I think you’ll find people who vibe with you out there eventually, or at least have fun bad-flirting where appropriate/people are receptive.
It’s probably best to get off the dating apps for dudes, though. Or people in general. My experiences weren’t bad myself but anything productive/meaningful has been through meeting people IRL.
The question is out where? lol
The big reason I hype organizing is it has a duel dialectic:
It’s definitely hard to see, especially when you first get started, but so very many people yearn for exactly that ‘community’ they will latch on. Community also improves your social network and doubles as your reputation. Very literally you will expand your social circle one warm introduction at a time.
This, I must admit I don’t organize politically IRL atm but even just when I am social (I go through phases of very social and very much not, probably/historically) this is how it is.