I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.

I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.

I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.

This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.

Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.

EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.

I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.

Bye for now.

    • Feinsteins_Ghost [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      11·
      19 days ago

      Toxic masculinity being what it is, I get shit from some of the younger guys (I’m 46) about how if I can’t hack it I should go be a janitor at a school. If you can believe that.

        • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
          4·
          19 days ago

          Those guys never change their attitudes either, you’ll find em gripe-braggin how much overtime they pull and how they youngins’ don’t hustle while limping their broken bodies around every job site.

      • context [fae/faer, fae/faer]@hexbear.netEnglish
        6·
        19 days ago

        age discrimination laws exist for a reason. it sounds like more than anything else you’re overworked and burned out. i’ve been there and honestly it sounds like you have more to deal with than i ever did. i don’t know that i have anything helpful to say other than i hope you get through this.

      • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
        4·
        19 days ago

        I’d totally be a janitor at a school.

        I want to get to know the crevices and warts of old buildings. I wanna work alone, get high and listen to metal while mopping. I want a weird haircut and have the kids make fun in whispers but be a little wary of me. I want to have a tinkering project going in my basement office at all times.