I’m not going to take up catcalling, but this makes me realize we could all be complimenting each other much more creatively than we do now.
Compliment choices.
I strongly support this and try to practice it in real life. If someone does something bold or that clearly required effort, it’s worth calling out. Bonus if you can do it as you pass them, like going opposite directions in the vestibule of a store, so it’s clear that you’re not looking to get something in return.
For selfish reasons, I also genuinely appreciate people who do something to make themselves stand out. I have trouble with faces, so if you have distinctive jewelry or a big hairstyle or colorful clothing, it makes it easier to recognize you. (Obviously this part only applies in a group social setting and less so in the vestibule of a store.)
One of my favorite instances of this was when I was in the waiting area of a restaurant and saw a guy wearing a loud jacket. I said something like “hey man, awesome jacket!” He got a huge grin, clapped me on the shoulder, and expressed a big thank you. Meanwhile, the person that I assume was his girlfriend smiled and rolled her eyes. I don’t know the background story there, but it was a very satisfying response.
edit: Also, I’ve heard some cool stories in response to this in situations where people weren’t passing by. For example, I might compliment a receptionist’s watch and get back "thanks! I got it from my brother when he went to … " and learn a lot about a person’s history, with the only cost being hopefully making them feel good.
I started doing this after reading a comment on Reddit about how most men rarely get compliments, so each individual one is likely to mean a lot. I don’t limit my compliments to men, but I do try (hopefully successfully) to make sure that nothing I flatter seems predatory. I’ve almost universally gotten positive responses and it’s very rewarding.
As the dude who wears loud clothes every so often, to the total chagrin of my partner, that compliment you have was the payoff from a dozen “that’s ugly” vs a dozen “nah it’s dope”. Thank you for settling the debate. Lmao
That’s always been my theory and I would feel bad about it (due to potentially fostering further conflict in a couple), but the fact that she was smiling while she rolled her eyes made me feel a lot better.
That’s why it’s one of my favorite memories of that kind of interaction.
Not all conflict is bad. Healthy couples have pet peeves like that that actually bring them together rather than push them apart.
chagrin
Your vocabulary is awesome, and you’re awesome for making it that way.
Also thank you for teaching me a new word.
I never grew past the phase of childhood where kids will be like “oh my God cool shirt we should be friends!” Lol I make a point to do my best never to come across as creepy or predatory (especially given I am physically quite large. Over weight by about 60 pounds, but even at my ideal weight I’d be an imposing figure), but clothing choices are what I notice, just like when I was a kid. I’ll be walking through Walmart and be like “I love your T-shirt!” And the smiles are so amazing. I don’t know why more people don’t do it, it feels so good seeing people get happy, when all I did was say the thing I was thinking already.
A favorite one was a woman in Walmart a few months ago. She was tall, and dressed in, full, hippie gear. I’m talking log flowing earth tones, chunky crystal necklace, an om/aum pendant, peace symbol ear rings, her hair was in this really elaborate braid, the type that looks super simple but probably takes a ton a work, super tall chunky cork platforms… It was like she stepped out of the 60s, but not in a fake way, it was obviously not a costume, either. This these contemporary items that she put together for this look. She looked amazing.
I initially went to compliment the necklace that I really liked, and then took in the whole look and it came out like this:
“I love your ne-- I love your whole freaking vibe!”
She laughed hard and smiled and just looked so incredibly joyful. Then she noticed the two tiny puppies I had and she got the play with puppies for a minute, and it was a rare example of joy in this crushing dystopian world.
I never grew past the phase of childhood where kids will be like “oh my God cool shirt we should be friends!”
Sounds like you and I are of a kind.
And the smiles are so amazing. I don’t know why more people don’t do it, it feels so good seeing people get happy, when all I did was say the thing I was thinking already.
Sounds like you and I are of a kind.
Though this one I think I get. In modern society I think people are trained not to engage with strangers. It took me a few positive responses before I felt comfortable volunteering my thoughts to random people in passing. Also, I myself didn’t think to start doing it until I read about how much a single compliment could mean to someone; if I had never read that post, I don’t know if it would have independently occurred to me to start reaching out. I agree, though, it’s worth doing.
“I love your ne-- I love your whole freaking vibe!”
I once said something very similar to a contractor who came to my house to work on my water system. I think I said “I like your style, it’s pretty awesome” - he had some cool tattoos and a fashion sense I would emulate if I were in any way fit. It made him smile, but I don’t think it meant as much to him as what you described above.
edit: Maybe because there were no puppies.
I think even this sort of compliment will be creepy to many (perhaps most) women. Am I wrong?
Tone of voice makes a difference. The scarf and especially the bag aren’t associated with body parts, which is better when it’s a man to women. He should compliment men as well. As a woman, I can say “Cute shoes!” without coming off fetishy, might not be so easy for a guy. Also, guy to guy, “wow, looks like you could run so fast in those shoes!” could be nice and funny, but frightening guy-to-girl. Sadly, a young woman can hardly compliment a young man without risking him hearing “I will fuck you” instead of whatever she really said. And being angry because she “led him on.” But now I’m old, I can. Still keeping it uncreepy of course, because most young guys don’t want to feel leered at by saggy old ladies. Always keep the power/age/gender dynamic in mind and imagine being the other before opening your mouth.
As a guy who is diagnosed ADHD+Learning Disability+“doesn’t pick up social cues” (idk what that one is called but I remember that shrink saying it), this minefield is why I do not talk to women I do not know, I’m not a good eggshell walker. Yes it’s because I’m a diagnosed idiot, but that doesn’t mean I’m bad.
For all the men in my (or similar) position, women who read this, I implore you, start asking men out you’re interested in instead of dropping hints we don’t get. We cannot ask you out in public acceptably outside of the bar and online even if we do pick up on the hints, some of us don’t even do facebook much less ChickenTinder and bars are conducive to hookups not lasting relationships so who cares? I don’t need a hookup, I have a hand, my hand can’t provide loving companionship. Conversely you can hit on us ANYWHERE. We’re very receptive, even if we aren’t interested we won’t call you a creep or report you to HR so long as you take no for an answer which I feel we can all agree is reasonable, I took no for an answer just fine for years until it became “just don’t ask them out ever, you have to get on tinder” which again I refuse.
Alright well that’ll never happen, but at least I got it out lol. Now back to dying alone with my cats and fiddling with radios and attempting to sink into nature (once it warms up here soon anyway).
First one is cool, others could be toned down a bit.
Just try to compliment “like a girl” - a simple “Hey I love your scarf! The pattern is awesome” is much calmer than sounding like a runway commentator lol. Only further engage if the other person further engages. This goes for all genders!
What’s wrong with the third?
