This is more of a rant/vent about quite a lot of shit that Im going through right now and I thought this is the best place suited for this, so be warned its going to be a long post. I am also going to mix Depression/Dysphoria and not write of them seperately, since its usually a mixture of the rest of my depression and Dysphoria about feeling like a fucking guy that makes my live to hell. While they are seperate things they usually come together to haunt me, so I will call it just Depression or Dysphoria, so keep in mind its always a mix of both.
So, a lot of you probably have read my previous posts regarding the problem I have with my parents. All of this shit has triggered quite a lot of depression and also panic attacks. Since new year I can probably count on one hand how often I have been visiting lectures at university. I have/had days, where something as simple as having people around me while eating lunch (probably like 30 minutes in total) causes me to literally lie in bed for 2h staring at my closed eyelids being unable to get myself to do anything, wishing I would simply stop existing, so my suffering ends. Even if I would like to do something I know that is fun, theres no chance I get the willpower to actually do it. Fulfilling basic human needs like eating turn into quite a chore during my depressed phases.
Most days are not as bad as described above, but Im lucky if I have more than 1-2 days a week, where I am not feeling terrible. The only good thing is, that the depression usually waits till the evening to haunt me, so I still got some time of the day left, where doing something is actually fun. Someone might think “If you’re only depressed in the evening but the rest of the day is usually fine, then just go to sleep to sleep through the depression.” Well, here comes the next problem. Since I have nothing that forces me out of bed at a resonable time I usually end up staying up quite late (yesterday has been my new negative record with 4am until I went to bed) and then stand up quite late (usually between 10-12 am). Any attempt at fixing my sleep schedule either ends after one day, or just doesnt happen. Even if I tell myself “I am going to bed early today” theres like this inner force that literally stops me from even attempting to go to sleep (and from getting tired, even melatonin doesnt really work that reliable as it did before). Its like if I am scared of sleeping but that doesnt really make sense, since I usually sleep quite well and I dont have nightmares (I usually dont dream anything). That means that I will end up staying all night hoping I can tickle a little bit of dopamine out of my brain-wrinkles hoping that I am not feeling like a complete piece of shit.
This brings me to my next problem: While talking or playing friends with games usually helps to some extent they have something that drags them out of bed early, so they always go to bed before me. Once I am no longer able to do stuff with them this asshole of Depression that has been waiting in the corner the whole time comes back to annoy me. So now is the question: What do you do if you’re depressed, cant really sleep (yet), games arent really fun to play (and a lot of other stuff too) and youre friends are all asleep? You guessed it, smoking weed.
A tale as old as time. I was a stoner before depression got to bad, but since new year (after the somewhat breakup with my parents) my consumption has increased rapidly from getting stoned every weekend to almost daily, to combat depression. I know it is dumb and not a permanent solution, but when you have the chance between feeling like shit for the rest of the day and sparking up a joint causing depression to go away in about 10 minutes its quite an easy choice. Weed also allows me to “feel the girl in me”. I cant really explain it, but when Im stoned I usually feel much more in touch with her. This causes my habit of getting stoned to become so bad I actively have to force myself to not get stoned and if its just for the sake of doing some form of break, so that my tolerance doesnt get to high, so I can get decently stoned at the night club on the weekend. “But if you cant control yourself, just throw it out”, well guess what doesnt really work. If I lock it up somewhere I will simply get it back and if I dont have any weed at all, I will simply buy new weed. Even if its just as a form of “backup” if a day gets to bad I still have weed as a way to become functional again. I have absolutely zero problem with staying sober on days Im not depressed.
The pace at which my mental health is declining is in fact quite worrying and I have fucking no idea, how the fuck I am supposed to stay somewhat functional if this keeps going in the pace it currently does. I am searching for a therapist, but knowing my luck and wait times in Germany I am not expecting to find something anytime soon and this makes me scared. I have no idea where the fuck most of my depression comes from, so I dont know how to counteract it and for those things where I know where it comes from I have no idea how to solve them and just thinking about them makes me feel bad.
Thanks for coming to my TED-Talk.
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Since you’ve made this post I came here every day thinking I should really try and find some nice, encouraging words to help you get through this. Then I’d think about my own experiences with depression and remember how there hardly are any words like that, instead a shitload of wrong things to say which are either not helpful or even make it worse. All these “wow thanks I’m cured” kinda things or sentiments like “if I can do it, you can do it too”, yikes.
What you’ve written is in part highly relatable and in other parts a bit like looking into my future, knowing that you’re a few steps further down the road of embracing the woman you are. I’ve done a lot of weed myself to deal with depression and those heavy emotions that I didn’t understand back then. It seems to lift a little, now that I’ve finally realized that gender dysphoria added a whole lot of strain, but there’s still a long fight ahead.
For a long time weed has been a pretty useful band-aid, although, it did lose it’s usefulness after some years. Of course it’s not the most healthy coping strategy, but it’s available without waiting for months/years. And it’s easy, not like those other things depressed people are expected to do on sheer hope, something which is naturally scarce in depressive episodes. Sure, here are better ways to deal with those problems, but also way worse ways. It’s good that you’re aware that it’s not a permanent solution and are able to look for the help you deserve.
And I hope you’ll find it. Am searching for a therapist as well right now, made it to one waiting list and can expect 2-3 years for it to start… It’s always been way harder than it should be and since covid it’s gotten even worse. Fuck this privatized health care.
If you’re up for that, I’ll leave a virtual hug. And if you ever feel like reaching out, feel free, I’ll do my best to listen and won’t judge.
Hey girl. I just wanted to say I’m kind of right there with you these days. The things I’m depressed about are probably a little different than yours. I’m in the US so you know… All that has been weighing on me. I’ve been self medicating a bit with weed too. For what it’s worth I think the weed actually makes depression worse over time. I got high pretty much every day last year and this year has only been a little better so far. The only times I started to feel a bit better were after a few days without it, which sucks cause yeah it makes me feel better in the moment. I wish I had something to say that I thought would help. Maybe then I could take my own advice and feel better. You’re not alone though. I see you. I’d give you a hug if I was there.
Thanks :3
Honestly live sometimes just feels kind of pointless. Why am I even standing up in the morning? Just to play Fallout: New Vegas (very good game, highly recommend) all day knowing, that its just a temporary distraction from all my problems and that in the end depression will suck the joy out of that day in the evening. All of this effort just to still be stuck in that fuck up of a body. I know it will change, but it fucking sucks having to fight every day knowing that it will take months to years for my body to eventually look the way I wish.
Awesome game FNV. I should replay it. (Even though it’s harder for me to find the will to play video games now. Been better lately)
Then I don’t really know what to say about depression. I’ve lived some hard times with it struggling with body issues and addiction (well mine is about sugar… I can’t say it’s the same as you but it never helped about my weight and liver). And my mom had some mental health issues that probably affected me too.
It’s hard to find a reason to keep fighting. I struggled 3 years in university failing and at some point I started just going to the gym instead hiding from my parents that I didn’t go to university. Mine was trying hard to fix myself and trying a fresh start ( I don’t know how I started). But the turning point was when I met my wife I’ve met 8 years ago. I didn’t even fathom my transidentity (I’ve been really dense and was probably running away from it.). At first I didn’t know her troubles and then I had to stay strong to support her and pushing away my troubles to help her. (No that wasn’t healthy for me…)
I can’t really tell you how I’ve been handling this, there’s ups and downs throughout our relationship, but so far I’m not taking any meds even though it would probably have been easier. Maybe I was running away from psychiatrist because I’ve never found one that I would consider safe?
Anyway, I think love made me push this far. I don’t know if I will be happy with the changes of my body with HRT, but I keep hoping. At least even though if I’m not entirely happy with myself I know it will still be better than before. And mostly people will find beauty where you would not about yourself. It’s hard to love myself but when I see my wife loving me and the way I look even though sometimes I loathe the way I look, well I glad someone can appreciate me this way.
I don’t know if this message makes sense or will help but that’s a sum up of my experience.
I am searching for a therapist, but knowing my luck and wait times in Germany I am not expecting to find something anytime soon and this makes me scared.
after what you have described, i am glad to hear that you are on to that! since i have had phases, that were as debilitating as this, i want to give you a few options i now know i had and should have taken. i’m gonna throw out ideas i’d suggest my younger self.
- first, in case that’s something you need: be pragmatic about your mental health. therapy of any kind won’t suddenly change the stuff you feel dysphoric about, but it might help changing something about that dysphoria.
- if possible: get a trusted person involved to help you research contacts, manage lists and just be there.
- if you are in germany: you can go to your general practitioner in an get an refferal to a therapist. i guess your gp will give you the urgent kind. you can then call 116117 with that code to get an appointment somewhere in your area. this is not your new therapist (good in my case bc they were a little transphobic), but you at least get an appointment with a professional, that knows your area. that can help to find further options. esp. for your depression.
- your university might have a councelling service that might help you find the right therapy and talk through a bit. at least my uni did. students could have 6 appointments i guess. thats not much but better than nothing.
- if you feel like you wanna talk at 2:30, there are helplines you can call. and talk.
- also use trans self help groups to get all of that frustration out, whenever possible. it heloed me a lot. ;)
