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Here, I’ll start:
Are you tired of browsing the internet like a plebian? Are you scared of the big bad man in the middle but don’t know enough about HTTPS and certificates to realize that he can’t do anything unless you install this totally-legitimate root certificate? DO YOU WANT YOUR BANK HACKED?!
You are? Well, great! Get SecurityTheatreVPN today for only $69.69 annually! We don’t protect you from malicious ads serving up zero-day heap overflow exploits or Google embedding tracking into your browser, but at least Comcast won’t need to know the kind of kinky shit you’re in to.
SecurityTheaterVPN—We’re the TSA of the internet, so you know you’re in trusted hands.