I read a little bit about identity diffusion, and that sounds like 100% what I’m feeling. What should I do? Is that something I need help with or is that something I can resolve on my own. I have to imagine that it’s really common among trans people.

I had a questioning phase and a back-and-forth phase but for me it was a couple weeks right at egg crack

God, my questioning phase has been like… Years. However, every step I take towards transition makes me very happy. It’s just my feelings right now that don’t make any sense to me.

If you wish you were trans - you are

I try to believe this but I have trouble.

So recently, I made a lot of progress on transition. I went back to my hometown after years of being away, and I came out to pretty much all my family and friends. Everyone has been very supportive and are using my name and pronouns. I was going to start hormones this week, but, due to some things outside of my control, that’s going to have to be delayed.

I’ve returned to where I normally live and work, and my feelings have changed. I feel like transition isn’t right for me anymore? Like, I’ve lost interest in being feminine as a goal at all.

Neither my new name nor my birth name feel right anymore. I feel like idk what I want anymore. Just a few weeks ago, I was trans in all my dreams, and now I’m a guy in my dreams again.

I really don’t understand how literally last week I LOVED introducing myself with my new name, and it felt incredibly right. When I heard I couldn’t get hormones yet, I literally bawled like I never have before. And now, suddenly, the name doesn’t feel right and I feel like I don’t even want hormones? Like, what is happening to me??

Is this like something I only wanted because I thought it was out of reach, but now that I’m out and everyone is supportive I don’t care anymore? Lol. Did being back in my hometown with family and old friends kind of “click” me back into my old self? Is this like a cold feet kind of deal? Am I just feeling pressure now that I’m out to everyone?

Is it possible to burnout on transition like other things in life? Because I’m also dealing with burnout there, too. I mostly just want to lie on the couch and not be referred to at all by any name or pronoun (yeah, it’s depression time).

Anyway, I’m completely shaken by this, and I don’t know what to do next. All the happiness and pain that I felt over this last year of transition, am I just going to look back at it as some weird phase in my life? I wouldn’t be happy about that.

Looking for answers outside of gender fluidity because I’ve considered that for a very long time, and I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Thank you

I’m starting to feel like I deserve a toxic relationship or something

You do not. You’re just hurting right now.

I need something, I need someone to feel something at me

This is a totally normal human need, trans or not

Maybe this is the trans experience, commenters and peers alike watching me spit and sputter until I deflate like a balloon. “We will not, shall not, intervene until you say the magic words”

I’m sorry to say there are no magic words. People try to help here and give support, but it’s always just solidarity and advice. This kind of pain is part of the trans experience but it is far from the entirety. Figuring this shit out really hurts, but there’s beauty in it as well.

Do you all just have communities IRL? Because for me the lack of in person community has been the biggest hurdle to figuring anything out, and yet Hexbear reacts to me with “befuddlement” because I yearn for community.

I don’t have one. I wish I did. Closest I have is online friends I met here. It’s really normal to want to be around other queer people, to talk with them, to touch them. It’s hard when you don’t have it. I really can’t imagine that anyone here is befuddled by that.

I want to experience sex as a woman. I want someone to see me as desirable, irresistible. I want to make someone go crazy because I’m magic to them.

Yeah, I mean, I’ve felt this exact same way. Of course, who wouldn’t want to feel that way?

To be honest, you’re really beating yourself over these things, and it seems like the self judgements are hurting you a lot. You paint yourself as some kind of outsider, but I don’t think anything you’ve ever posted has been very problematic or even strange. I see you, and I see a very typical trans person who is in pain and is saying normal trans things.

If you’re yearning for community, I suggest finding local queer gatherings. It will ease the pain.