This post is a discussion of Shou Arai’s manga, “At 30, I Realized I Had No Gender.” However, feel free to just answer the question in the title if you’re not interested. I’m wondering if anyone here transitioned in their 30’s or 40 plus.
Shou Arai is an intersex person from Japan who is somewhat well-known in the local queer scene. Arai lived the first 30 years of his life as a woman before transitioning into a man. I’ll be using he/him pronouns to describe Arai, as those are the ones he uses in the manga. The LGBT movement in Japan is obviously different than it is in the West, so some terminology doesn’t fit exactly. Arai is physically intersex, having physical characteristics of both sexes. He is also described as trans, non-binary, or agender at times; however, in this case agender is translated from something that more closely resembles “between genders.” Having read the manga, I personally feel that the term agender doesn’t really fit in the Western sense, and I believe the title is more in reference to “I am without gender because society doesn’t have a name for people with genders like me” rather than a true absence of gender.
Like Poppy Pesuyama, Arai considers himself a manga essayist. This means that the manga is primarily expository rather than narratively driven. Unlike Pesuyama, who wove their exposition into an overarching narrative, Arai foregoes narrative all together. Instead, each chapter of the manga is based on a topic or anecdote. Some chapters are even just Q&A sessions with other queer people. Often times, Arai is just giving practical advice about being queer. Despite the title of the manga, Arai actually wrote it when he was nearing 50 years of age, so he 30 years of female experience and about 20 of male experience by that time. Quite a veteran queer!
Here’s a list of the topics he covers:
As you can see, the majority of the manga is devoted to aging while queer, which is why I was drawn to it. Frankly, I think some of the advice that Arai gives might be a bit antiquated, but he is real af. I think that some of the chapters were hard to read for me not because the subject matter or presentation is heavy but because he clearly voices a lot of the small things we worry about when aging and queer. In particular, the chapters “If I had aged a woman” or “Is it impossible to be a young girl” are a little rough if, like me, you’re transitioning late in life. Other chapters just discuss aging in general like body measurements, choosing glasses, facial sagging, or having a big head lol. In general, he’ll discuss an issue and then provide a way to try to mitigate it or think about it differently, and he’s always real about what’s actually achievable.
The manga is a real grab bag of tough thoughts, which I’m gonna list here:
mild dysphoria
Having smile lines, growing unwanted facial hair, trying to manage your aging so people don’t just identify you as male, wishing you had transitioned sooner so you would’ve had better skincare, being jealous of people who started hormones early, having no memories of being young in the gender you want, being easier to present masculine when you’re older, having a weird mismatched body, using clothing to present femme but feeling dysphoria when you take them off and see your masculine body, changing your clothing style just so people identify you correctly, having a non-binary heart while still presenting in a binary manner, confusing looking femme with looking young, getting too old for sex, and many, many more!
Overall, I think that the manga is rather formalistically boring. There’re really no characters, and the art is fairly basic, so there’s nothing really to latch onto. Unlike other queer manga I’ve read, this one didn’t really move me; however, I think it’s bursting with important and helpful content, so it’s worth a read if any of this interests you.
personal dysphoria
To be honest, despite the fact that it’s really light, I found myself quite bothered by a lot of it. For me, a lot of my dysphoria comes more from my age than my gender. I’m closer to 40 than 30 these days (much older than Arai when he transitioned), and sometimes I can’t help but think I’m a man playing dress up or that I missed my window to transition or that I’m going through some midlife crisis to make me look younger. I also acknowledge that there’s more to being trans and queer than being pretty, and a lot of transfemmes are really obsessed with youth and beauty, and then I just feel guilty for boiling down gender to being pretty. Anyway, I know all of these things aren’t true, and it’s just societal ideas that I’ve internalized that are causing me dysphoria. I can’t help thinking it would be easier to just age male, though. I wish I had the awareness that kids nowadays get, but back in my day (at least where I lived), trans literally wasn’t a thing. We had no language or conception of it. In fact, I’m remembering now that when I came out to my wife while bawling, I kept repeating, “I just didn’t know we could do this [transition]” >.>
Anyway, I wanna hear from the younglings too, but this post is for the geezers like me. Have any kind words? 
I started transition right before my 30th birthday. I would say the hardest parts for me have been the
-“am I just a man wearing a dress” thoughts -dealing with coming out at an older age. People expect me to have this all well and figured out by now. -dealing with my entire life changing when I was just getting “started” e.g. my engagement ended as a result. -honestly maybe the worst is feeling like I missed my 20s on some level. Or even more than that, feeling like I missed out on being the girl I always wanted to be. And now I just feel like some in between thing that can’t help but be perceived as a man.
I think a lot of us older trans folks though don’t identify with the strong “I was a girl in a boy body” trope. For me it was always just that I wanted to be a girl, but didn’t realize that that was an option so I just ignored it and was actually quite good at being a guy.
Actually the fact that I was good at being a guy sorta kept my egg from cracking for a while too. It really felt I had so much to lose.
For me it was always just that I wanted to be a girl, but didn’t realize that that was an option so I just ignored it and was actually quite good at being a guy.
Actually the fact that I was good at being a guy sorta kept my egg from cracking for a while too. It really felt I had so much to lose.
Oh, hi, it’s me again. Well… I took longer than you.
Sorry about your engagement. That must have been really hard. That was literally my biggest fear.
It’s ok. It is what it is, and honestly we’ve been more so becoming friends again which is so nice. She is straight though lol.
Yeah, there are a few different ages that I think people tend to come out at and we fall into different categories because we all have similar reasons why we “lasted” so long.
For me, I’m bi and I’ve known I was queer for a while. But overall I was quite straight presenting. Nobody would even guess that I was anything besides cishet - literally I haven’t gotten one person who’s like “Oh wow… This makes sense” to me.
But yeah, being straight presenting stops many of us from coming to terms with queerness I think especially trans ness. Being straight presenting is like, such a privilege. People just understand your deal, and nobody bars an eye. So much easier. It’s hard to give it up.
And then of course, with our age group, being trans wasn’t really… A thing that I knew about until I was older. Like, I hadn’t even met a trans person until late into college and I didn’t understand at the time. Absolutely no visibility. Hell, for us, most of our lives gay marriage was illegal in the first place! Really crazy.
So yeah don’t beat yourslrf up (idk if you are, but if you are, don’t). We have so much stacked against us and you’re here now :)
But yeah, being straight presenting stops many of us from coming to terms with queerness I think especially trans ness. Being straight presenting is like, such a privilege. People just understand your deal, and nobody bars an eye. So much easier. It’s hard to give it up.
Not exactly straight presenting (a lot of people thought I was gay, at least one person thought I was ace, etc), but the assumption of alloheterosexuality definitely was a roadblock in terms of realization. I preferred people assuming I wasn’t straight, but I just confused gender feelings for females with sexual attraction, so thought I was unfortunately straight and cis until I was like 28.
At least I don’t have to deal with the concern about romantic or sexual partners in terms of transitioning. Wish others didn’t have experiences like yours. :(
Yeah my experience was pretty tough I would say, when I was going through it. But I’m out on the other side now and it’s honestly fine and I completely forgive her (and I myself have apologized for any wrongs I did through that time) and I think we’re in a good place.
Honestly yeah it really fucked with my head that absolutely no one saw it at all. Nobody even saw any queerness in me. Still this happens when I come out to people and it’s like my number one reason why I absolutely hate coming out. I just want people to be like “oh yeah I saw that it makes sense” but that literally never happens and it kinda makes me crazy
Honestly yeah it really fucked with my head that absolutely no one saw it at all. Nobody even saw any queerness in me.
When I came out to my brother, he was also quite surprised. But I know I went out of my way to hide it and I didn’t hide things that would usually be considered far more private from him. So I think its understandable.
At least by staying in the closet partially for so long, I shouldn’t have to deal with that much anymore. But it doesn’t really count since I’m intentionally doing things to make people question my gender.
I would say the hardest parts for me have been the-“am I just a man wearing a dress” thoughts
Okay so how DO you deal with those thoughts? Because I get these all the time.
Oh God this is kinda shit advice but I just try to ignore them. Also the more time I spend with my friends who are affirming and in affirming spaces that feeling gets less loud over time.
I will say though I’ve been mostly out socially for like 9 months now. The feeling definitely gets quieter the longer you’re our and also the better your style gets.
Youngling here just to say: I love and support our older trans comrades
Oh no. Now khizuo knows I’m decrepit
Late thirties isn’t even old
Trans years are like dog years. I don’t make the rules
(I actually make the rules)
True that
I had “the realization” when I was about 40, and then started dabbling in DIY HRT when I was 41 and had to go back off of it within about three months because of health issues. I went back on DIY (via a less problematic approach) just before I turned 43, and I’ve been at it ever since. Since then, I have definitely developed femme waist/hip/chest proportions compared to before, but body hair growth is as bad as ever, and home IPL zappers only do so much. Ravages of testosterone exposure, I guess.
I still present as masc because I don’t feel safe to come out publicly while living where I do; I absolutely do not want to jeopardize my job or get assaulted by local CHUDs. Apparently the baggy t-shirt + MILF jeans combo isn’t cutting it anymore though, because I may have been clocked by a 7 year old. It’s possible that the little shit has just never seen an aging metalhead with long hair, but it’s still pretty fucking jarring when a kid just looks at you and blurts out, “ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL?” before hearing your voice.
Wall 'o Text/disjointed infodump
I wish I had the awareness that kids nowadays get, but back in my day (at least where I lived), trans literally wasn’t a thing. We had no language or conception of it. In fact, I’m remembering now that when I came out to my wife while bawling, I kept repeating, “I just didn’t know we could do this [transition]” >.>
This is my experience to a T. A large part of it was never possessing the vocabulary to articulate what I felt deep down, but I think some of it was also quite literally beaten out of me by my teenage uncles when I was little. It got to the point that I hid those thoughts and images from myself and buried them so deep that it took decades to de-program that latent trauma response.
Maybe it’s the [extremely probable] undiagnosed autism/AuDHD, but I was always an outcast as a kid, was constantly bullied, and never felt comfortable around the overwhelming majority of boys in my age group. That said, I really don’t feel like I ever fit the mold of the “I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS A LIL’ GIRL TRAPPED IN A MALE BODY” stereotype that medical gatekeepers treated as a requirement back in the 80s, 90s, and 00s, so it’s not like I could have medically transitioned or even gotten on puberty blockers if I had possessed the vocabulary. (And if your lived experience meshes with that “stereotype,” that’s fine! You’re valid!) All I knew at the time was that I always felt a little “off” and, after puberty, always had this low-level sense of being grossed out by my own body.
Looking back, I wonder if it would have changed anything if I had known why I always felt so out of place and why I had so many self-destructive and self-sabotaging impulses well into my 30s, or if it would have been a case of being able to identify the issue with no path available toward resolving it. That being said, even just getting on HRT the past several years has done me a world of good psychologically. I can look in the mirror without disassociating, so that’s something.
I definitely vibe with the stuff about agonizing over picking out eyeglasses, but I’d like to add another: hair styles for the low-key boymoder, and learning to love your frizzy gray streaks.
“ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL?”
I am beyond human comprehension
Jokes aside, it’s better to be safe, I grew up in a fairly conservative place. I also got bullied and alienated when younger too. I also mostly knew about trans people from the few snippets I’d see on TV or I remember watching the Crying Game when it came out… so that’s when I had some idea of who I was or at least… I got it then but I knew from around 8 I wasn’t “normal” in the typical cis sense
I remember watching the Crying Game
Big oof, jokes about that film (and the ending to Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, which is itself a lazy Crying Game reference) are about the level of exposure that I had growing up. And maybe Silence of the Lambs. Not exactly ringing endorsements of embracing one’s non-cisgendered identity, lol
I remember from around age 5 or 6 always wanting to grow out my hair, but my mom and grandparents always threatened me: if I ever actually did it, my uncles would hold me down and shave my head. When I was 12, my mom actually did completely shave my head in the summer in a misguided attempt to treat a chronic skin condition. Someone got me on video tape back then, and I absolutely could not recognize myself in the video footage that they shot at whatever family gathering that was. It was to the point where hearing my own voice come out of that was enough to make me feel physically ill.
As for that little kid, he’s the son of a CHUD from a CHUD part of a mostly-CHUD town in a CHUD state that is among the worst in the nation for LGBTQ rights, anti-trans legislation, and hate crimes. I expect absolutely nothing, and yet I am still disappointed. I really need to get myself and my family out of here.
I’m so sorry that happened to you comrade, thats such intense and unfair way to treat anyone, especially a child
Oh yeah the crying game was what made me afraid and then seeing all the shitty jokes made throughout the 90s… was a bad time. I grew my hair down to my butt in high school then got my head kicked in daily for years because I was seen as gay and accused of wearing makeup (I have translucent skin so super pale…) the normal bullying kind of shit… but it set me back a lot and I’d get a lot of shit at home too
cw abuse, violence mentioned
spoiler
at home I’d get various forms of verbal abuse, being hit and slapped, had my hand held in a pot of boiling water, got throttled for wearing makeup, loads of other stuff but I won’t go on…
just know I can relate to living with past trauma and abuse, so growing up I felt so alone…
I always hated getting pictures taken, I destroyed all of them… so none remain of me and well I don’t have family anymore either…
I hope you can find peace and find somewhere you can be yourself and call home
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that; kids (and family) can be so thoughtless and cruel.
I was seen as gay and accused of wearing makeup (I have translucent skin so super pale…)
Huh; back in middle school/high school, I used to get accused of wearing lipstick. I went a long time without noticing this, but I’ve seen it more often lately where sometimes, especially right after eating, my lips will get very red. So of course 14-15 year olds are going to latch onto that and be snot-nosed little shits about it.
I always hated getting pictures taken, I destroyed all of them… so none remain of me
Almost the same here, actually! Even before I had consciously recognized that what I felt 24/7 was dysphoria, I didn’t really keep many pictures of myself around. Granted, I had a handful floating around back when I put myself out there on dating sites in the early 00s, mainly because saying things like “I kind of look like what would happen if Alec Baldwin and
got into the teleporter from The Fly together” would only get you so far. Since those days, there are some family selfies that my wife has snapped of us with our daughter over the years. Those are still a little jarring to look at, especially the ones from back when I still had my standard issue performative masculinity goatee, but at least they’re of happier memories.I used to get accused of wearing lipstick
Same lol, that would also be another thing I’d get pointed out. Or eye shadow if I was tired I sometimes get panda eyes because you can see through parts of my skin lol If I wasn’t afraid of having my shit beat in for how I naturally looked I’d have flaunted it harder but I was a kid then…
There’s more horrific stuff I’ve refrained from saying too but I don’t like feeling like a pity party either…
I’m glad you have some happy memories going forward. I still struggle to look at myself I think I have been through so much it has seriously warped some of my perspective. I struggle with accepting compliments and until I met my wife I never had people treat me like a human being. I have spent more of my life alone so it is almost a daily thing trying to reprogram how I’ve been conditioned by so much alienation. I also lack seeking out gay and queer things because I’ve never felt part of anything or able to relate to much. Hell I’ve never had any party for a birthday as I had no friends and it’s hard sometimes knowing how much I missed out on. But enough sad shit, I’m glad you are doing better, and I have new happy memories with my wife too c:
Yeah, I’m not gonna fuck with DIY at all because I have too much health anxiety.
That said, I really don’t feel like I ever fit the mold of the “I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS A LIL’ GIRL TRAPPED IN A MALE BODY”
Yeah, me either. My experience is significantly more blurred.
All I knew at the time was that I always felt a little “off” and, after puberty, always had this low-level sense of being grossed out by my own body.
Yup! Luckily very low level for me
learning to love your frizzy gray streaks.
Actually, I think my gray streaks rule!
Yeah, I’m not gonna fuck with DIY at all because I have too much health anxiety.
Understandable. It’s a little daunting. Even after starting DIY, I was terrified to switch from gel to injections because I can’t stand needles, but I kept missing my gel doses by several hours, which always left me sluggish. Having to spend 8-10 minutes airing things out every day was getting tedious, too. So, fuck it, it’s stabbin’ time…
CW: Stabby stabby talk
Problem is, homebrew injectable E usually contains benzyl benzoate, which, for some people, is a massive skin irritant if you inject it subcutaneously. I had to learn the hard way that I am one of those people. (Thankfully I don’t go into anaphylactic shock if I do subQ or miss the injection site slightly when doing intramuscular!) I had this silver dollar-sized dark/purplish spot on my stomach around the injection site, and it took around three weeks for the discoloration to go away.
So, no teeny-tiny needles for me; I have to do the thigh muscle route with larger-bore needles, and I’ve managed to fuck that up and hit a vein on the way in at least twice now. The first time wasn’t so bad, but the most recent one left a hell of a bruise because I had some ibuprofen in my system at the time. The ibuprofen acted like a blood thinner and caused the blood (and therefore the bruise) to spread out a lot more than you’d expect. I still fucking hate needles, but at least I’ll know what I’m doing if one of my cats ends up diabetic or something.
I should probably talk to an actual doctor at some point so that I can get a real, actual EC/EV prescription, preferably without benzyl benzoate, but I currently have almost a two-year supply left of grey market Brazilian weeb juice that will go to waste otherwise. Regardless, I think my game plan was to get a new primary care doc, walk in with a massive pair of
hanging out, and frame it as, “look, I don’t need to see a goddamned therapist for six months – I’m not asking permission to trans my freakin’ gender; I already fucking did it. Now can you hook me up with a gender care specialist so that I can get some EC or not?” and see how that shakes out.And thank you for sharing your experiences! It’s nice to hear that I’m not alone.
I’ve got the mad max grey temple lol but I dye my hair
I do wish there wasn’t so much stigma around greys either, I find it can be pretty.
Attractive even, well as far as my ace ass can see lol
I transitioned mid 30s and am now in my 40s. I’m also non binary I also am intersex, had boobs and hips during puberty and have always been more androgynous. Low T included. But took until my 30s to transition. Because of my height 5ft 3 and how I looked I was bullied a lot, this including a bad upbringing along with autism made it take me a lot longer even though I knew I was different from 8 years old.
As far as aging, I’m blessed with smooth skin. Fallout reference if you will. I still get carded in my 40s and have made a game out of seeing if anyone can guess my age. Because it can range anywhere from 20s to 30s. So I’m not your typical authentic 80s goth I guess but I have some odd genetics going on along with plenty of autism (which I equate to my youthful looks… more than anything else, though the low T helped a ton I guess)
As far as the rest goes, I don’t really care much. I’ve always been an outsider and never had many friends. I have never had any really all my life, only my wife now but regrets? Not any really other than I do wish I’d transitioned sooner more so that my chronic pain could maybe be alleviated somewhat but I don’t know… I maybe might have not been bullied as much being the other binary gender at some point but now I don’t care for any binaries in most of life. I have seen how much society is built on bullshit that included… a sliding scale over my lifetime from a creature from the void that lives inside my skin…
Thank you! This is a beautiful experience to share.
You might enjoy the manga. It seems you can relate even more than me
I’m not sure but I will give it a look, purely because I don’t get much dysphoria over how I look. I also have kind of different perspective being long transitioned at this stage… a lot of it I’ve come to terms with but I don’t dwell on things as much as I would have at the start… I still have good and bad days, some regrets and such here or there but a lot is set now and I’ve long come to terms with being non binary coming from being convinced I was transfem but I’m more than that and always have been… I dunno, I’ve been on this journey so long that I find things all the time or things that once bothered me I care little for or have completely changed my perspective on. A lot of clothing and such I just wear what I want, I wear makeup when I feel like it but I don’t think so much about how I present or look, I stopped caring about what most people think long ago so maybe that’s part of it too… hard to know. But I know what it’s like to be at the start and what it’s like to be in your 30s and a baby trans too…
You have surpassed Arai. You are beyond him
I think it started mainly when I read Gender Outlaw, that lined up with a lot of my inner thoughts. That was what shattered the illusion of the binary completely and helped me understand myself better
I finally got hormones less than a year ago, it was a great move for my mental health
Tends to help a lot, congrats!
Happy for you!
I’m 37, realized I was trans in January and started transitioning in March. 6 months in now and just started hrt. I definitely want to check this out.
Congrats!
Omg this is heartening! It’s good to know I’m in good company
I don’t think I have an extended reply in me tonight but this is an excellent thread! I’ll have to check out that manga
I’m on the younger end but it’s hard not to feel pretty
when I spent the last 10+ years of my life treating my body like shit because I was depressed and anxious and had no good coping mechanisms (slowly improving now). So I can relate to a lot of this for sure, especially the things you put under personal dysphoria :(You did great posting, can relate, it can be hard. Hopefully after a good sleep you’ll feel better
I fall under the “old” category here and I feel that my story is an odd one. My egg fully cracked at 32. I started transitioning at 33. I am turning 35 soon and hitting 2 years HRT. Hells, I had my bottom surgery 3 months ago here next Friday. I don’t think my age really did anything to me except, in the early throes of my transition, made me feel like I was a fake for not having my egg crack when I was 12 like my wife. I also feel very awful because I never got to have that social transition in my childhood to have a semi-normal girl childhood (which, in hindsight, was probably a good thing with my childhood’s circumstances, but that’s another story). But one has to also realize that, in the 2000s, there really wasn’t any form of awareness when it came to being trans. I didn’t meet me first trans person until I met my wife in 2010. Even then, I didn’t understand her “I want to be a girl” was anything other than just a thought. I didn’t know you could change that. Not even when I met a transmasc person that I worked with in 2012. I didn’t know HRT was an option until literally 2019. And that’s when my gender thoughts started and I proclaimed myself non-binary because I didn’t fit what it meant to be a male. It sucks! It’s why I’m super happy for the younger generations now because they can be exposed to thinking about their gender and moving things in a good direction for themselves earlier in life.
All that aside, my transition as it is has actually been pretty great. While my transition is still young (22 months HRT), I would say that my age hasn’t really hampered anything. Physically my transition has hit off extremely well, moreso than some early 20 somethings I know that have been transitioning for longer. I recently saw a fullbody pic I took of myself right at the start and compared it to myself (now 22 months later) and the changes are huge. Breasts have gotten much much larger. Fat redistribution has done a ton more than I though as I have a discernible hourglass shape (though it’s still forming). My skin is awesomely smooth. Emotionally, my emotions have awoken way way more than when I started, though I can definitely still feel puberty #2 ravaging my mind. My emotions do fall off the rails from time to time, especially when PMS slams me. Along those lines, I have done a metric fuckton of work on the things you can manually change. I immediately socially transitioned after my egg cracked. I voice trained already and have a passing voice. I’m slowly learning how to properly dress myself for my body type. I learned basic makeup super early (by going to Ulta and asking for a lesson). I changed my legal name already. A ton of work, but oh so worth it.
All that said, every little bit of this has been extremely difficult. The last 2 years of my life have been grueling. It has been filled with a ton of mental and physical pain that I otherwise would not have to deal with. But I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Everything feels better. Everything feels right. And sure, while I didn’t get to figure these things out earlier, I still managed to and I’m correcting it now nearing the halfway point of my life. At least I’ll get to enjoy that last half the way I should’ve in the first place. And even though life is harder in just about every aspect, I wouldn’t dare trade it for anything in the world.
But one has to also realize that, in the 2000s, there really wasn’t any form of awareness when it came to being trans. I didn’t meet me first trans person until I met my wife in 2010. Even then, I didn’t understand her “I want to be a girl” was anything other than just a thought. I didn’t know you could change that. Not even when I met a transmasc person that I worked with in 2012. I didn’t know HRT was an option until literally 2019.
This is so real.
I don’t think my age really did anything to me except, in the early throes of my transition, made me feel like I was a fake for not having my egg crack when I was 12 like my wife
Yeah, despite me growing out my hair, doing voice training, having an entire woman’s wardrobe, lasering my leg hair off, scheduling facial hair removal, painting my nails, changing my pronouns here, coming out to my wife and friends, reading queer lit, and posting here constantly, I still like to pretend I’m just a confused cis guy
Well, you’re braver than the troops. Thank you for your service. Speed running bottom surgery that quickly is so wild to me!
Speed running bottom surgery that quickly is so wild to me.
CW: Talking about genitals and self mutilation
It’s definitely one of those things that is odd about me, but it definitely was needed. I never really liked my penis. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I certainly never really cared to use it. Sex was a chore cause I always forced myself to get off with penetration even though I just didn’t like it at all. Shortly after my egg broke, all of the feelings I had over the years kinda coalesced into some fairly powerful bottom dysphoria. Thanks to my mousy wife’s insurance, I was able to get the ball rolling immediately at the 6 month of HRT mark. But I’m not kidding you that I didn’t look at the damned thing on purpose for the last 12 months or so that I had it. It disgusted me. It enraged me. I just wanted to grab one of my kitchen knives and slice it off and just be done with it. I fucking hated it. My puppy wife, after having had her bottom surgery last year, was as mindful around me as possible cause she could see how egregiously bad my bottom dysphoria was. So, in short, it was a quick ride, but gods it definitely saved my life.
I’m really glad you got what you needed. That sounds so hard
sex and genitals
Tbh, I’ve never like penetrative sex either (unless I’m receiving it). I actually just told my wife today after more than a decade. I told her that I like doing it for her, but it wouldn’t really make a difference to me if I were using a strap-on vs. my actual penis. In fact, I might actually prefer the strap on.
HOWEVER, I do like my penis and want to keep it. I just want to use it in different ways.
I still have a penis and fantasize about having a strap on for my partner.
It’s fun! Putting it on is a real power boost
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Heya! I feel like the Oldest Biggest Trans Woman on earth most days. I’ll be 50 soon and have my appointment to get the Estrogen started this week. I went on lex and it’s rare to find anyone my age or older, none who really talk. I’m also 6’2" and probably ~260+. That’s cool though someone gets to be The Biggest Girl and i have a super big heart so I think i’ll be good at it. One nice thing is i already have cute boobs and haven’t even started the E yet! Also a lifetime of sun avoidance has left my skin in delightful shape.
I haven’t read the manga, sorry. I can say that i feel really nice and I am my finally loving myself. I eat super clean now and work out every day.
i have several cute projects i’m working on (I finally get to be a Witch on halloween!) and it sort of feels like inheriting an old dilapidated house and getting to turn it into something nice and pretty.
I really like makeup and i am so happy to be playing with it.
Feminine tops still are a mystery to me at this time.
Respect!
Congrats on the appointment, hopefully it will go well c:
I’m NB, and starting to lose my hair is what has given me dysphoria enough to notice. I still look good so far, which made me realize looking good is not the main issue. Looking too masc is the issue. Being a handsome young guy was almost like presenting NB, I had that sort of feminine-coded feeling of being pursued rather than pursuing. I feel like aging and losing my hair is shunting me into a more masculine role that feels wrong.
Honestly, the thought of losing my hair is what largely set this all off
My dad doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much and I have to dance around it saying things like “it just doesn’t suit me” which is like sitcom-tier
Turning 30. About to start HRT. I relate to a lot of the elements of dysphoria here. I’d love to hear from more people in this position.
Oh, you decided to pull the trigger on hormones, huh? Nice!
Yeah, I have my first appointment on Wednesday! Nervous, but also super excited.
Congrats! Hope it goes well for you!
Congrats!
dysphoria
I’m in my later 30s and came out as NB a year ago (to one cis person who wasn’t very supportive). I then spent nearly the entirety of the last year being too afraid to date or meet anyone because I thought I looked too cis-male. A few months ago I finally connected with someone commiserating about Palestine and politics and we hit it off and I got pulled into queer spaces for the first time and I’ve never felt so welcome and unjudged before. It is life-changing to have friends that aren’t just vaguely supportive but have been there/are there and know what you’re going through. If you haven’t connected with local queer folk in your area, please do, it will change your perspective so much.
Similarly, I’ve always known I was different and like you never really had the words to describe it. I knew about trans women/men and did a LOT of introspection over the years and came to the conclusion that I was not trans because non-binary was just not a thing when I was young. I knew I wasn’t straight but I was also in a long-term, ostensibly cishet relationship and just thought to myself, “Well, if this is my life partner, why bother about coming out and connecting with the LGBTQ community?” I kept it bottled up for so long and it caused me a lot of pain, especially thinking about how my life might be different if I hadn’t been in the closet for so long. I could have been out and spending my time doing gay stuff with cute folks instead of feeling like shit and developing PTSD. Ultimately, you can’t go back and do things differently. You need to do what you need to to love yourself now, though. I hate my facial hair, too, and I’m 100% getting electrolysis so I never have to shave again. I’m still trying to find a look that suits me but it feels less important when people already accept me as NB, though I would like to look different enough that I’m not constantly misgendered by cishets. Deleting the social programming in your head is hard but starts to go faster once you make a dent in it. Don’t wait around to be yourself.
Thank you for sharing ^^ I still hate shaving… I’ve discussed electrolysis with Ash before and I may get it done at some stage. I relate to the not wanting to look cis but looking back I barely did lol I’d boobs and such so it’s funny what growing out my hair did but I know its also having to deal with the doubts and brainworms… I also grew up without friends and no support outlet, I never knew any queer people either. It’s better to look forward than back for sure
The doubts and brainworms are thankfully receding as I make more queer friends. I’m finally learning to love myself, too.
when i do laps i just repeat to myself over and over, audibly, variations of ’ Valentine is so pretty and she loves herself limitlessly’.
I can entertain you for a long time on the science behind why this works but as a person with severe ptsd and bipolar disorder I emphatically endorse the self affirmation technique.
I have been in a bad place for a while but after telling myself so many times how pretty and full of self love I am i’m really feeling it. good luck!!
No joke. Affirmations work really well
Glad to hear things are improving for you, loving oneself is one of the hardest things
I’m living abroad, and if I want queer friends, I’ll have to move back to the hell country
Is there no community there?
Not one that I could locate or be a part of.
Language barrier is a bitch.
shaving is so frustrating!
If I shave ‘smooth enough’ i get bumps and if I shave with the grain and don’t get bumps i’m a shark and can only pet myself one way!
One thing that is helping me is treating it like self care and getting a bath bomb and just taking 2 hours in the tub doing a little voice training, shaving everything slow and careful.
The daily face though is 😖 foundation only works with s close shave so i’m waffling between a safety razor, a 5 blade disposable and the old titanium electric shaver.
The jury is still out on which causes less irritation!
For me, safety razor definitely gives the least irritation.
I’m gonna start laser next week
how do you know when it’s time to swap the razor?
I tend to find it starts to get harder to get rid of the hairs… I use a 4 bladed lady shaver on my face which can vary in how long it takes until I have to swap to another. But I have found when you start to have difficulty getting a closer shave it’s time to swap then. Hope this helps (for face and neck) Body I tend to shave when I feel like but a lot of my body hair stopped completely but then I’m long transitioned, I would go between electric razor for legs and body hair or epilator, depends on how much effort I want to put in… I tend to go with electric razor attachment that was on my epilator so it gets very close but doesn’t last as long as pulling the hair out
huh I kept reading that the epilators are useless. if you don’t care about the pain will the epilator increase the time between having to deal with the hair? a i’m so lazy! i appreciate the help.
I hope to deal with it long term but my skin is super sensitive so it seems like it’s going to be a long slog
which makes me think wow is it worth all this trouble and effort to conform to a beauty standard that was easy to condemn as a male?
I don’t understand it. i love feeling smooth like a woman though and I love being feminine 🤷🏼♀️
I enjoy the pain in a way… lol but I’m a weirdo
but usually it can take up to a month until the hair grows back
I would say knees and below aren’t the worst parts same with arms being tolerable, I have done chest and tummy and everything else with the epilator so the closer you get to below the waist the worse the pain will be. It takes time and can be a pain in more ways than one but I’d try waxing.
Personally I don’t like body hair on myself… but I also don’t really care as much to remove absolutely everything though I do like to be hairless… depends a lot now on if I can be arsed…
I just swap every 3 uses. You can get maybe 5 tops tho
for just the face?
Ah, yeah, just the face. The body will probably wear them out a lot more because of the surface area, but also the body should be a lot thinner than your facial hair
I shave using hair conditioner and going slow so it’s super soft after and doesn’t leave as much redness, tip I picked up years ago. Just rub that stuff on and use it like shaving gel. I then use a light moisturiser after (nothing too thick to prevent it clogging up but it works well) but I do wish I could go without completely. I love taking a bath but been a long time since I’ve done so. I’m fast in the shower but pampering is important for sure ^^
Some of the topics in that ToC are depressing or comical. “I want to quit wearing suits” lol. Generally it sounds like the sort of useful, informative advocacy Imogen Binnie was writing orange book in contrast to, like some trans autobiogs from the 20th century. By no stretch a bad thing.
however
But oh shit, the age and dysphoria stuff you said… wew.
First off pls disabuse urself of this idea that women in their 30s or 40s cannot be attractive, you paint being in your 30s like it’s the death knell and you’re about to turn to stone! Generally speaking, if you’re taking it, estrogen tends to make you look younger; my wife is of course in her 40s but sometimes gets carded when we’re buying alcohol, and she is beautiful. (She will lie and say she’s not, but) If this were some sort of midlife crisis plan to make you look younger, (and it’s not, men who have a midlife crisis of youth tend to slam testosterone therapy, lol) it’d work very well! Elaborate bit!
There is no “too old to transition” and you are not precluded from being beautiful by age, or “a man playing dress-up”. I think it’s entirely valid to mourn not having transitioned earlier, less for the “youth/beauty” aspect and more because it can suck taking that long to discover who you are.
There’s a real ageism thing going on here though, isn’t there? Your little segment makes me wonder if this manga does not have severe brainworms. I mean, smile lines? Laugh lines and crows’ feet are something I like, personally. I enjoy that feeling happiness manifests on our faces. The idea that aging makes it easier to present as male… lol lmao. All women turn 40, age doesn’t really make it harder to present female.
Of course it’s worth keeping in mind, I came out as trans when I was 15. I am the incredibly lucky young trans person, living comfortably thanks to the struggles of those who came before me. One of my favourite things about my beautiful marriage is living life with a wife of a different generation, our experiences and takes are complimentary and often contrast.
I will forever value the experiences of trans comrades older than me.
Anyway I’m 12 and what is this
(I know you @'d me because it is a trans manga, forever grateful, waow ✨)spoiler
First off pls disabuse urself of this idea that women in their 30s or 40s cannot be attractive, you paint being in your 30s like it’s the death knell and you’re about to turn to stone
I wanna be clear that I do think women my age are very attractive. In fact, I don’t even want to look like a woman in her 20s. I want to look my age. The dysphoria more comes from nearly 40 years of testosterone.
There’s a real ageism thing going on here though, isn’t there? Your little segment makes me wonder if this manga does not have severe brainworms.
Yes. It’s ageist and has brainworms lol. I don’t take everything he says as true, but I appreciate someone vocalizing the way many people feel because it’s less lonely.
All women turn 40, age doesn’t really make it harder to present female.
Sis, come on, you know it’s not the same when talking about cis women. It would be a different story if I started HRT 20 years ago or something, but my body has developed in a masculine way.
ANYWAY, you’re right about everything. I’m just airing out my brainworms. I know they’re brainworms, but other people have them, too, so maybe this will be helpful to someone.
Thank you for your support
spoiler
Ohhhhh okay, more about the T, well that’s a lot better than thinking all women turn to dust after 30 or whatever!! Thankfully estrogen can lessen a lot of the effects of T. Hair softening or near disappearing, skin softening, squishier cheeks, weight distribution or even hip tilt altering your figure, loss of upper body musculature if you want, it’s awesome actually, can make huge differences.
Yes. It’s ageist and has brainworms lol. I don’t take everything he says as true, but I appreciate someone vocalizing the way many people feel because it’s less lonely.
This is like you struck a rail spike in my brain with lightning, because whenever I’m reading something aggressively selfhating like a Light From Uncomnon Stars, or even a Manhunt, I’m always left twirling my hair and wondering if, even though it’s important for people to relate, leaving shitty brainwormed sentiments in your fiction unchallenged does more harm than good. This really activated my almonds.
Quick,
what’s “developed in a masculine way” mean? I don’t think any body development precludes you for presenting femme, but go off!!Happy if my open-mouth-insert-foot comments can help literally at all
good thread btw.I’m always left twirling my hair and wondering if, even though it’s important for people to relate, leaving shitty brainwormed sentiments in your fiction unchallenged does more harm than good.
Yeah maybe.
what’s “developed in a masculine way” mean?
I’m not gonna answer this because it’s clearly a trap designed to target my own toxic conceptions. Good try
good thread btw.
I only post bangers!
Too smart for my tricks
but having, say, an inverted-triangle build or small hips does not preclude your presenting fem. No body type does, actually, which is rad, and there are things you can do both in bodily and wardrobe terms to get a look you want.also
since Estradoll is like, 30something? I’m waiting on her showing up to this thread tbh
spoiler
since Estradoll is like, 30something? I’m waiting on her showing up to this thread tbh
Oh god, protect me from her positivity!
You KNOW you NEED IT
spoiler
I’ll parrot what Ash has said, I have had my body hair stop growing completely, and most of my shoulder muscle atrophied… I still can lift but I surprise people more now lifting all the shopping bags at once by myself because I an unassuming.
I’m gonna keep lifting weights and maintain muscle after transition. Sorry, but the muscles will stay
Should, it’s always funny seeing the taxi driver near shit a brick when I lift 6 full shopping bags myself
I’d wear a suit, or any other clothing, not really a skirt or dress person tho as you know. Nice black dress pants and maybe a shirt or something I dunno… you know I just wear what I find comfy too so lol But then I’d be military boots too lol
Falsehoods! but I will concede this once
But I do agree on feeling I waited way too long but you’re here now… look forward not back…
It’s late and I’m tired, so short reply tonight. Egg shattered when I was in my mid 30’s, I’m late 30’s now. No HRT yet tho.
For me, a lot of my dysphoria comes more from my age than my gender. I’m closer to 40 than 30 these days (much older than Arai when he transitioned), and sometimes I can’t help but think I’m a man playing dress up or that I missed my window to transition or that I’m going through some midlife crisis to make me look younger.
I’m in the same boat :( I recently decided to start transitioning only at the beginning of this month, and this weekend will be my 3rd weekly e shot. I think all the time about transitioning and how big of a mountain that is to climb this late in the game, or this is at least how I usually see it. Maybe it will be tough, maybe not, but at least it won’t be as terrible as reaching the end of my life having never fully been the person I really wanted to be. Anyways, it makes me feel better to see others in the same situation with the same fears, but going for it anyways.
at least it won’t be as terrible as reaching the end of my life having never fully been the person I really wanted to be
Yeah, this is my beacon
You aren’t alone, though it can feel it at times… good luck comrade c:
