It still checks out.

“FUCKED! DOUBLE FUCKED! COCK GOBLIN!” oh no… I can’t remember if I took my medicine today. Well anyway, today is the day I’m going to leave the house. The world is ready for me and I’m ready “TO GET FUCKED!”. Maybe it’s time I call my good friend Matilda and see if she wants to go for a stroll. Take in the breeze, enjoy the weather, “GET FUCKED!”. Shit.

The phone is ringing. Matilda eventually answers and says…

decided to go rob the gas station down the road. “I need more money to buy myself a new set of clothes and a pendant” he thought to himself while dreaming about his date with Danielle tomorrow. Yes, it’s a date - what else could you call it? - and he was going to make sure he looks his best.

Bursting into the gas station, Daniel took out the machete and began to shout: “ALRIGHT YOU MUGS, LISTEN UP! THIS IS A STICK-UP! DON’T ANYBODY MOVE OR IT’S MOM’S SPAGHETTI!”

The two men behind the counter looked at each other bewildered.

Daniel: “YOU THERE, WITH THE SHITTY MUSTACHE. GIVE ME ALL THE CASH IN THE REGISTER. PUT IT IN A BAG. HURRY THE FUCK UP I’M LOSING MY COOL”

It’s at that moment that…

The delivery man arrived with the capybara. It was a chunky once, my wife was screaming with joy. We took the capybara inside to show it around its new home. At first it hesitated, but then it started checking out its new surroundings, eventually proceeding to take a massive shit on our brand new wooly carpet. It’s at that moment that my wife started to…

But what if you’re not happy? Not only do you get to stay sad, but you have smarmy assholes like anon here giving you shitty platitudes about how you’re failing to be happy despite all these “beautiful reasons” everywhere.

“If your life is shit, then be happy about the shit you got”. This lady must work in HR.

In other words:

The best part of my life right now is the bit where I’m not awake to witness it. Today I have to go drop a few hundred dollars on keeping my car running the same way it was yesterday. Then I get to go home and drown my sorrows in front of the computer because nobody else will hang out with me.

At least there’s alcohol. It’s probably cheap though.

I guess some people don’t really have much going for them.

If you think you’re the funny one then you’re probably the mean one, laughing at other people’s expense. Those that laugh with you secretly hate it, but don’t want to get on your bad side. I also note that OP makes no mention of either or not there are any friends in her life to actually help. It’s a bit like saying you always stop to feed every needy elephant you see on the street. I too go out of my way to pet the sad giraffes.

Listen, there’s nothing to be happy about here.

Wait, we’re not going to be negative here just because he has nice things to say about us? I don’t discriminate, and what recommends this dude to be the judge of how creative we are? For all we know, OP is just a boring little man that likes to quietly tee-hee at other people’s witty quips. Hardly an authority on creativity, pardon me for not bothering to impress.

Someone reading this is probably killing a kitten as we speak.

“Today was good because I didn’t feel like shit for wasting my entire day staring at my phone” sounds like a rock bottom bar for positivity. It’s not even highlighting something positive, it just means you’re now numb to it so it doesn’t really affect you anymore. If your friend didn’t tell you to get off your ass and go outside then they’re not a real friend.

“Son, there comes a time in a man’s life when he must settle down and start a family. You love your children unconditionally, and bring them up right irrespective of how obnoxious they are - it’s what I did.”. This gave me pause for thought. After I hung up, I decided that…

I should stop being so weird and start making an effort to fit in. Having a unique personality is fine, they say, as long as it’s unique in the right direction. But I don’t let this get to me, and I could never…

If the chickens decide to start a band, what would it be called?

a receipt for a live capybara. She hugged me and told me we’re about to become the proud parents of a giant rodent, due to be delivered to our front door any moment now. Naturally I…

the most disturbing gurgling noise started emerging from the depths of her bowels. She turned to me and…

…she got up without saying a word. She went straight to the bedroom and…

…took out some pen and paper and began to draw her most impressive feature…