Title is the epiphany. Story as follows:
There’s a fairly new neighbour that has moved in next to me. They are outgoing and extroverted in that needy or demanding way whereas for me as an autistic person, I’m much more self-contained and don’t seek out idle chit-chat with acquaintances because I honestly don’t need it in my life and I don’t reap any benefit from it.
Anyway, there has been a few odd conversational topics that have arisen multiple times over the course of our interactions and with one of them it got to the point where I’ve thought to myself “What the fuck is up with their preoccupation with this topic? I’m sick of talking about this.” and, upon reflection, I realised that they were insinuating themselves into a situation that they are completely oblivious to, that isn’t their business, and that isn’t a concern whatsoever.
I don’t want to explain exactly what it is because it’s pretty identifying info but think along the lines of someone “casually” mentioning that the soil your cacti are living in is very dry - yeah it really is, what of it?
Anyway once the penny had (finally) dropped for me that this person doing that weird Boomerish thing where they repeatedly drop mention of something like how nice the weather is today and they expect that you’re going to understand that they’re trying to suggest that you should mow the lawn today (a legit post that someone made on social media but maybe it was about mowing the lawn or maybe it was about putting the washing out - I forget the specifics), I turned this over in my mind and came to the conclusion in the post title above:
They are literally treating interactions with me like it’s a chess match. They are making conversational manoeuvres in an attempt to force a particular response out of me. You don’t do that sort of thing with a person unless you see them as an adversary. If you are gonna treat me like an adversary then we are not friends and I have no obligation to extend my goodwill towards you.
(On a tangent, this is the reason why I have a strong dislike of the Socratic Method - because it essentially treats people as your conversational adversaries.)
This is the newest development in my experience of unmasking and growing beyond my people-pleasing so I thought I would share this realisation with others.
Thanks for your reply.
I think you’re striking upon the other side of this epiphany here which I didn’t explain because it’s a bit complicated and more of a personal thing to me but as a person who experienced a really abusive childhood if I find myself reverting to a style of communication that feels like I’m the one who is playing a game of chess then that’s a really good indicator that I’m feeling unsafe and that there are power dynamics which are out of whack.
That’s not to say that this is clear proof that I’m being abused or manipulated but if my instictive behavioural response is to carefully calculate the way that I communicate with a person then I need to start recognising that as a clear sign that I’m not feeling a sufficient level of safety, comfort, or trust in that relationship.
🤯
Are we really not supposed to be doing the careful calculation thing, because haha…
That’s what I’m noticing exactly - when I notice others doing it, I know I’m not getting genuine connection and I need to evaluate if they are uncomfortable or being passive aggressive.
When I notice I’m doing it, I know I’m either feeling unsafe, uncomfortable, or somehow on the defensive. In that sense, I need to step back and reevaluate before I try to ‘win’ however that ends up looking.