I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.

I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.

I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.

This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.

Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.

EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.

I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.

Bye for now.

  • Lussy [any, hy/hym]@hexbear.netEnglish
    15·
    19 days ago

    It really does seem like things are going to get better for you. You’re meeting so many potential future clients and getting knowledge of how to run a business, and you’re on track to be your own boss given everything you’re doing to work towards that end. You’ll be fully prepared to work on your own. I frown upon the advice of just push through it but in this case, since you actually like what you do and seem to have so many other things going for you professionally, hold on for a little while longer.

    Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why.

    You’re working 300 a month

      • Feinsteins_Ghost [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
        11·
        19 days ago

        Toxic masculinity being what it is, I get shit from some of the younger guys (I’m 46) about how if I can’t hack it I should go be a janitor at a school. If you can believe that.

          • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
            4·
            19 days ago

            Those guys never change their attitudes either, you’ll find em gripe-braggin how much overtime they pull and how they youngins’ don’t hustle while limping their broken bodies around every job site.

        • context [fae/faer, fae/faer]@hexbear.netEnglish
          6·
          19 days ago

          age discrimination laws exist for a reason. it sounds like more than anything else you’re overworked and burned out. i’ve been there and honestly it sounds like you have more to deal with than i ever did. i don’t know that i have anything helpful to say other than i hope you get through this.

        • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
          4·
          19 days ago

          I’d totally be a janitor at a school.

          I want to get to know the crevices and warts of old buildings. I wanna work alone, get high and listen to metal while mopping. I want a weird haircut and have the kids make fun in whispers but be a little wary of me. I want to have a tinkering project going in my basement office at all times.