“Will the company cover all medical costs if we’re shot during our normal work day?”

ask them what to do when the cops refuse to put themselves at risk

ask them how to tell a roided up terrified cop you’re not the shooter without being shot

ask them how much the active shooter training course cost the district, then ask them how much improving access control (an actually useful preventative measure) would cost and if it were considered as an alternative

ask if healthcare coverage at work covers injury from shooting, and then break it down by shooting type: drive by? targetted? mass? police involved? coworker? stranger? manager? go through all the scenarios “what if i was shot while technically off the clock but on work property because i was coming back from my break”

“will the company cover funeral expenses?”
“has this ever been effective?”
“will you be issuing us rifles?”
“can the company buy us some plate carriers?”
“am i a soldier now? i don’t want to be a soldier :(”

“Has this method, as disseminated by this company, ever been tested in a real incident?”

If so: “How did that go? Can you substantiate that it actually helped things?”

If not: “What reason does someone have to believe this will help? Is there any sort of real empirical backing or are you profiteering off of HR agendas and fearmongering? Do you accept any sort of liability if your method fails to help or even makes things worse? [Obviously not, so] Why should any of us have confidence in this to preserve our lives when you don’t even have the confidence in it yourself to accept that liability? Is there any observable difference between your presentation and that of a reasonably competent snakeoil salesman?”

ask them when the passive-shooter training day will be

The last time I had to do a workplace violence awareness training, we were given a very long and very specific list of red flags to watch out for. I relentlessly reported to higher ups any time I noticed a red flag from someone higher up than me at the company. I was reprimanded for it every time.

Start asking them for how to respond to increasingly bizarre situations:

Start with something plausible like a team of shooters then move on to like “What if they have access to a rooftop helicopter? What about an armed Humvee? How do we deal with tanks?”

“Can i use my health savings account to buy a flak vest?”

“Will the company be doing flak vest matching?”

“What about tourniquettes?”

“Is a flak jacket osha required ppe now?”

“Is it true you can cover a grenade with a trash bin? Should we get steel trash bins for the grenades?”

“How long do we have to shelter in place after the cops decide not to do anything?”

“Can i take the rest of the day off after a mass shooting?”

“What about a flak helmet can i use my hsa on that?”

“Okay but what about some gym memberships so we can get good at running away, the company will cover that, right?”

“How come the executive elevator has to get buzzed in by security but not the normal elevator?”

“What if i fall over while running away from te shooter is that a workplace injury?”

“Who do i report it to if my manager got shot?”

“Who will do scheduling if my manager gets shot i don’t want to get fired for no showing”

“Is it a work place injury of the cops shoot me by accident?”

“What if the cops shoot me on purpose?”

“Hey what are we supposed to do with the office first aid kit it only has bandaids and tylenol and expired in 1978”

“Come to think of it did we get the fire extinguishers checked this year?”

“Okay but if i get shot by the cops, and there’s blood on the ground, but there’s no " caution slippery liquid” sign, and i fall down the stairs, that would be the company’s fault, right?"

“Do we have to pay for our own ride to the hospital?”

“If i’m stuck sheltering in place and my kids have to uber home and order a pizza how do i submit that as a reimbursible expense?”

“What if i get actively shot on a business trip in another state and they take me to an out of network hospital?”

Just hold up pictures of the Uvalde cops standing in the hallway with a quizzical look on your face.

eat a whole lot of beany chili the day/morning before

Write everything down from this thread on a comically rolled up piece of paper. When the opportunity for questions arises get your comically long list of questions out and unroll it bugs bunny style, then begin.

Be totally and completely serious about the questions you have. This is a shooter situation after all, it’s an incredibly serious matter and the details all matter.

“How long will my job be held for me if I’m injured during an active shooter event while I’m recovering in hospital?”

(Also… to kill the fun… you can absolutely be fired for fucking around too much during these things)

Make them actually test the systems they’re trying to test: Don’t show up at the panic area. When you’re in the area, make it hard to count you all by making everyone walk around a lot. Ask questions all the time. Take charge of leading people, lead them down the wrong path. Insist you are doing this to make sure an actual drill will work, since actual drills don’t go perfect (Honestly this is what you’re supposed to do when you’re running a drill, you’re supposed to test the strains of the system, see where it fails, so you can improve upon it for the future.)

Alternatively start a fire

the objectively funniest would be to choose that day to go postal

please don’t actually do that though