This is something I’m only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.
Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!
I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (???), and so I’ve tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I’ve tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.
It doesn’t feel like it’s getting me anywhere, and I’m starting to wonder if it’s an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn’t bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it’s a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I’m NotLikeOtherGirls™
This happens most when the person I’m asking has no good answer - it’s like my asking “but why?” makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn’t the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.
That is never what I expect to happen - I don’t ask why if I think there’s no reason. If I’m asking, it’s not because I think you’re stupid, it’s because I think I’m stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you’re doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there’s a good reason that I just don’t understand yet, and I really really want to understand!
I’m just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.
The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. “I don’t have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!” ???!?
Anybody relate?
What do?
Sometimes maybe you’re asking the wrong person, and maybe it’s a scenario where you’re supposed to know that. Like you wouldn’t ask a cashier at a fast food restaurant why the price of something went up. That’s a question for the CEO. And it would be rude and annoying if you did ask the cashier that.
There are some things people are trained to do that they don’t fully understand, because someone more knowledgeable figured that out. Sometimes certain things are implied to not have a why. If someone tells you how to do something without an explanation why, sometimes that’s because there is no why. and you’re expected to know that. As with anything in life, there’s always context that you have to account for.
Sometimes the why is too long winded and it’s not the right time.
I just thought of being asked to pass the salt at dinner and asking why they wanted the salt. I might be curious because I’m not sure what item they wanted to salt, but the reality is that it’s not my business what they use the salt for as long as I’ll have salt if I want it later and that they don’t plan to hurt me with it.
Sometimes it’s okay to just do things, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to know when those times are. I’ve been doing the opposite - just doing things for people without asking why at all.
That still doesn’t make sense to me, when I worked at a fast food place if prices went up I was dying to have someone ask about it so that I could complain about it with them and share any dirt I had heard about why.
This is weird because when I worked on a hoity-toity grocery store and drove me nuts when people would constantly ask why the price is of seafood, a commodity with a constantly changing price, was always changing, with a bunch of different potential reasons for doing so
Like lady I got all this fucking shrimp to peel like not going to go over supply and demand with you
I guess the difference is the prices didn’t change frequently at the large pizza chain I worked at, so when it did happen it was pretty noteworthy