Relatabale. I often end up phrasing questions like i’m trying to negotiate peace between world powers. It’s frustrating af. I don’t care about your ego i need you to explain how the machine works again bc my brain is fucked!

Holy shit this post brought back a flood of unpleasant memories.

I was homeschooled most of my childhood before doing the last couple years of high school in public school. When I started there were lots of policies and behaviors I was expected to already know and several times grown ass adults got incredibly angry at me for asking why they wanted me to do something stupid.

A grown man screamed at me for chewing gum during a standardized test. Gum wasn’t banned at my school or anything, it was only this one time that it was a problem. I asked him why and he was so incredibly angry and that’s when I realized neurotypical adults are like extremely reactive dogs when they’re confronted with the fact that what they’re doing is stupid.

I was also once screamed at by a grown ass man who was a teacher’s assistant, not even a teacher, for not standing up during the creepy ass pledge of allegiance. The teacher had to tell him to go outside and calm down. This man owns a house and drives a car but honestly he needs a full time guardian he’s less responsible in the world than a 9 year old.

I think you’ve already almost answered your own question. They’re getting upset because they don’t have an answer to the question of why.

So consider, what is the thought process which results in proposing a course of action without ever having actually thought about why? Is it an isolated incident, or is it part of a pattern of doing things without thinking about reasons to do those things?

It’s not that they feel guilty about not thinking things through, it’s that not thinking things through is actually the norm, and therefore you asking why is seen as condescending.

The infernal loop of

“Can you please tell me what I did wrong so I won’t repeat it”

Responded with

“No I won’t tell you cos you’re stupid and will just do it again, I don’t owe you an explanation”

Sometimes people will voice their problems because they want to be consoled, not offered solutions. I find this to be frustrating.

So as to what to do, be consoling.

If they get mad at you, tell them “fuck you, I’m trying to understand and help because i care about you.” But thats a lot so maybe only do that if you really care and can’t let it lie.

Sometimes it’s better to just nod and show love. It’s a tough judgement call.

My coworkers tend to be experienced with what we do, and whenever I ask them something so I can make sure I do it right the first time, they often just hit me with the Jim halpert stare before helping or loudly say they have no idea what I’m even asking for.

Part of the reason is because they expect people to try things out themselves or already know. But at this point I’m just going to use my intuition and deal with the fallout if there is any, otherwise each interaction will just make me assume things and ruminate and become resentful of everyone for likely no reason lol.

My former spouse had this trait. I had to learn how to be responsible for my own emotions during a conversation with her and not force her to shoulder the responsibility of emotional reciprocation/emotional managing. And I had to learn more patience when the conversation would go way off-topic so she could understand. I had to learn how to better self-identify my own emotional state before starting a conversation so I could communicate my intent. It was really tough for me to figure it out at first and I wasn’t always successful but we had some wonderful conversations and the relationship was really intellectually fulfilling.

I resonated so hard with this. I want to understand, but it feels so obvious sometimes, like people would think I’m joking.

I’m trying to actively be honest and let the other person be an ass. “I don’t understand why x is acceptable or done in a certain way. Could you tell me why it is?”

It’s helped me in the past when I asked, and good faith people who will give me the benefit of the doubt are the only people I want in my life. I’m trying my best out here. They don’t need to treat me like I’m stupid or being an asshole on purpose.

Sometimes it’s as simple as “I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt.”

Reading this thread further cements in my head that it’s actually neurotypicals who have communication issues. Many autistic people are just fine when it comes to communication.

I think I’ve been on both sides here. When I’m frustrated with someone else’s questions, it’s because I’m irritated that they’re not being effective with our time. I feel that they’re missing the forest for the trees, and asking questions about stuff that has no bearing on the outcome of the conversation (which has a purpose of some kind).

Like talking about getting a car washed by a certain time, and the other person wonders if it’s a Nissan or a Toyota. Then, I have to take the responsibility of either following them down that path, or take the responsibility of redirecting them to the main point. Don’t know if this is what your questions are like, but these really get my goat.

Idk if somebody answered this already but I believe allistics treat questions as an attack on their authority or a criticism of their capabilities/feasibility of their plans

They think you’re directly belittling them

Shit, is that why it is? It’s the asking itself that’s making people furious for no visible reason?

Fuck.

I always feel 30 steps behind everyone else, frankly what is the point of even talking in general

i am genuinely unable to calculate most basic arithmetic in my head (have seen professionals about this, they’ve all come to the same conclusion. i understand mathematics very well, i just cannot do the arithmetic). this was greeted with TONS of hostility (mostly from older folks) at my last job when i had to take a second or two to punch their total into a calculator instead of being able to give it to them off the top of my head. i was fast with the calculator and it wasn’t any slower than my coworkers who could calculate it themselves, people were literally furious that i had to use a piece of technology. i quit that job pretty quickly.

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I don’t think its silly or unreasonable to expect people to take you at your word, assume good faith, and try to explain what they meant, especially when you are offering explicit prefaces reassuring them it’s not a judgement of them. I don’t even know if I’m ND really, besides being depressed, but I still run into this pretty often.

It’s going to happen sometimes, and you probably just have to drop the questions and try to work around it in those cases, and just guess at what they might be thinking, but I feel like a lot of this can be avoided by asking different questions or keeping your reassurances vague… If you say “I’m not judging you, I just don’t understand what you meant by X”, it’s just going to plant the seed in some people’s brains that you’re judging them. So maybe sticking to “I just don’t understand” and leaving out any specific references to judgement, etc ?